Single Parents

you ladies are my inspiration.. i need words of encouragement

Although I am not married, I've been a relationship with baby daddy for over 4 years now. We have a 2 year old daughter and a 2 month old son.  For years I have constantly given him 2nd chances whether it be getting in trouble with the law, drinking too much, lying/sneaking behind back, being destructive out of anger, emotionally and physically abusing me.. I was always there to forgive and give another chance.  I could go on and on about how he is disrespectful, rude, selfish, manipulative blah blah blah. He has never once made me feel special in our entire relationship. I truly believe I am his backbone and without me (and his kids) he will crumble.  I am fully aware that he takes me for granted. I have "left" several times in the past. He would become outraged and start yelling and throwing/breaking things and I would pack up (me and my daughter) in the middle of the night and go stay with my parents. I have done this so many times only to return the next day that he knows now if I leave will come back. Recently I started working part time so I could go to school fulltime.. for the first time in our relationship I have become dependent on him financially. He pays for our rent, utilities and groceries and usually ends up helping with my car payment and insurance because I am usually short on monthly payments.  

Since our son was born, I feel like I am in this parenting thing alone. He is always at work, and when he is home he is either on the computer or sleeping or doing anything besides spending time with me and his kids.  I am so unhappy in this relationship. I need to leave.  I know I can go and stay with my parents for the time-being. I am just so scared that I will come back to him AGAIN in hopes that maybe, finally, this time he will realize what a good thing he is throwing away. I so know that there are men out there who will treat me better, but even if I don't find them... I would rather be alone that continue to stay in this miserable relationship. We can have a few good weeks, and one bad day or one bad fight just reminds me that he hasn't changed, and nothing will make him change and I am wasting another day of my life sitting here putting up with his crap.  

Im sure you ladies read these all the time. If you took the time to read this... I guess I am just looking for words of encouragement... that I can leave him and make my life better.  That although it sucks and is hard, the grass is greener on the other side (eventually) .. what was your breaking point? and at what point going through your separation or divorce were you at your lowest?  I know I can do this, I guess I just need a pep talk

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Re: you ladies are my inspiration.. i need words of encouragement

  • Have you tried counseling?  It may be too far gone but it's a thought.

    As far as your breaking point, only YOU will know when that is.  When I reached mine it was a very calm, clear decision. I remember hearing once that the right time to leave is when you are not angry, hurt, sad, etc, you are just....done.  Ambivalent.  You know that that is the right decision for you and your family. 

    For me, I left my XH when I was eight months pg.  Things had been horrible and he was never home, was lying constantly and I suspected cheating.  I confirmed everything when I looked through his truck one morning while he was sleeping.  I found drugs, another cell phone, Craigslist Casual Encounters emails, and condoms.  I left that very day and filed less than a month later. 

    While it may not be so clear cut for you, there will be a point where you just "know".

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  • You already know that this is a destrutive, horrible 'relationship'. You already know you want and need to leave. You already know what is best for you and your children, and that's to start a new life on your own without him.

    Like achase said, only you can decide when that moment is. You've been successful in leaving in the past...now you just need to be successful in staying away. Your parents sound like they're a good support system, even if it's only temporary. Stay with them until your BF gets it throug his head that you're over the relationship.

    Stay calm when talking to him and be rational. Let him have the outbursts and make a fool of himself. It will be extremely difficult and probably the hardest thing you've ever done. But, after a few (or several) months, things will be far, far better. And you'll be so proud of yourself for doing it.

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  • You have stayed well beyond any breaking point I can imagine. Get a therapist because the fact that you have even stayed this long suggests that you need help. Get out. Stay out. 
  • First I want to say: to anyone in a relationship where they are not sure if they should stay or leave, please read this book.  "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum.  It is such a great book!  My therapist recommended it to me and I was reluctant to read it because I HATE reading.  I haven't read anything other than the gossip from magazines since middle school.  But I finally got it from the library and read about 50 pages in my first sitting.  I know it is hard to find time to read, but this book is soo soo soooo good at helping you feel more confident about your decision to leave or to stay.  I didn't even have to finish it before I knew what I wanted.  But it is such a good book that I finished it anyways (after I moved out) :)

    Now my experience (because it is similar to yours):

    I was recently in a relationship where I was miserable like you.  Honestly, it was not as bad as yours (he was not physically abusive) but I was unhappy enough to know that I could find something better if I moved on.  For a long time I waited around to see if he would get a clue and change his ways (just like you have been doing) but he never did.  I had threatened to leave before and still nothing changed.  Until I was physically moving out.  All of a sudden he was scheduling himself therapy appointments and talking positively about the future and about all of the things he wanted to change to make our lives as a family better.  I still decided to move out because I needed some space.  After I moved out things went right back to the way they were.  He went to two therapy appointments and never another one after that, he stopped talking positively about the future and I was just as miserable with him as I was before I had moved out.  The only difference now was that I had already done the hardest part...moving out.

     It hasn't been easy by any means.  Sadly it is kind of a lose-lose situation at first until everything settles down and you both become more comfortable with any arrangements that you make for yourselves and with eachother and the kids.

    I hope this helps you out.  And I also hope that you read that book.  It really did help me with my decision to leave.  I am happy that I moved out and I am able to get on with my life..able to start living a happy life again.  And hopefully meet someone new who will make my "dreams come true" as far as a relationship and having a family goes.

    <3 Goodluck!!

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