Moms of 2+, I could use some BTDT advice

belizeitornot · November 2011

We are starting to think about when to TTC #2. It took us nearly 3 years and IF treatments to get H. Who knows if we'd have to do that again, or we'd be lucky enough to conceive without help this time. (Both DH and I were the problem before, so it's not likely anything has "resolved" itself)

The insurance plan we're on now (BCBS basic) doesn't cover IF stuff, so we'd like to switch to something else that at least covers IUI and meds in case we need that again... which means we have to either make this move now or wait until next fall when open enrollment comes around again.

DH is almost 38 and I just turned 34, and his response was "I'm not getting any younger" while I proceeded to have a mini freak out at the thought of being pregnant again in 5 months. Wink

So I guess I'd like some wisdom if it's easier managing a pregnancy/newborn with a 2 year old or a 3 year old. If you had the luxury of choosing timing, what would be your ideal situation?

Jitterbug2668 · November 2011

I honestly was waiting til N was potty trained (so like at the latest he would be 3) but someone had bigger plans for me. Other than be exhausted by 7 pm every night (I get up at 3am so rightfully so!) I'm hanging in there and seem to be overly stressing about moving N to the basement bedroom more than I am about anything else at the moment. If life was planned out we'd be extremely bored so I'm just rollin with it and I'm going to relish in the hopes that with them only being 2 years apart they'll be close.

vml14 · November 2011

My LOs are 20 months apart, and I really like the age gap. I got pregnant when my oldest was 11 months old, and the first trimester was tiring, but I don't think it would have been any easier now that she's older. In fact, I find her more demanding/busy now than she was back then. Plus, she was still taking 2 naps at that point!

I am of the mindset to not wait until the timing is perfect, because you never know what will happen. If you are considering it, why not try and see what happens!! We waited longer than we would have to try for our first because of life events that we didn't want to interrupt, and then we lost our first baby when I was 5 months along, which pushed back our "ideal" schedule by more than a year since it then took a while to conceive again. I'm sure with IF troubles, you know how that goes.... I say go for it!! Good luck!

kafunder · November 2011

Obviously I don't have a 2-3 year old, but we're also starting to TTC again (and are hoping we won't need fertilty treatments again). Our rational for trying so soon are:

1) I just turned 35 and DH is going to be 39 in March, so we're not getting any younger.

2) More importantly, we are anxious to be done with this baby phase. If at all possible, I don't want to have two 4-year olds who want to be out and about doing fun thiings and then an infant at home who's still taking 4 naps/day. I'm not crazy about the newborn phase, so I'm ready to get these years over with.

AgrippaRidesAgain · November 2011

I have found that the older DS gets, the less satisfied he is with just staying in the house. I think being pregnant with him at this age would be way harder than it was before. The more cooped up he gets, the more he fights everything. I tend to get morning sickness through second tri, so we would be doing nothing a lot. At 21 months, i could tell him that I wasn't feeling well and that he could play with his cars while I rested on the couch and he would say ok. At 3.5, it would result in a big whiny argument.

AgrippaRidesAgain · November 2011

Oh, and as far as potty training goes, it is actually easier to just have two in diapers during the newborn phase. You don't have to scout out bathrooms or worry about potty emergencies while toting a screaming newborn.

LindseyJW · November 2011

ideally, i wanted our children to be 3 years apart. but circumstances changed that and i think for the better! our kids are 4 years apart, and for our family, that is ideal. we would very much like to have a 3rd baby, and are hoping we are able to ttc in 2 more years when DD is 3.

our decision was based on several factors:

the amount of time we wanted to be able to spend with our DS before adding a new family member was of paramount importance to us. i'm glad we waited 3 years before ttc bc the early part of my pregnancy was challenging (fatigued by day, insomnia by night and terrible mood swings).

next we considered the ease of caring for two. i do the daycare drop offs and wanted DS to be able to get himself in and out of the car without me having to put him in his seat. that became important when i was too big, too hot, too tired to do it. also, since i'd had a c/s the first time, i was conscious of what my limitations might be if i had a RCS.

i believe in child-led weaning, and i wanted some time to myself before ttc. we waited about 5 months after DS self-weaned before ttc again.

finally, we wanted to be in the right $$$ space.

amh_navyblue · November 2011

We wanted our kids to be about 2 years apart, but that was not meant to be. The are just over 3 years apart and I have to say it has worked really well for us--the older one was old enough to actually be helpful those first few months with a newborn, she was potty trained and could do a lot of things herself, which makes things easier. And being someone with siblings who are 6 and 10 years younger, I think 3 years is still pretty close in age;) On the other hand, having two under 2 means heavy lifting in the short term, but you shorten the overall spread of time when you're dealing with diapers and toddlerhood, because they'll overlap more.

All that said, if you know you want #2, as pps have pointed out (and my own experience demonstrates), you often can't really plan these things...you can try to plan them, but at a certain point nature takes over...so I would switch your health care. If you TTC on your own for awhile and it "takes," you're covered...if you TTC for awhile and it doesn't take and you realize that you really want to move forward on the IF route later in 2012, you're covered. If nothing happens either way (by choice or for other reasons), nothing is lost, right?

Hey Jellisy · November 2011

I wanted to have the LOs close in age but I also wanted to till DD was a year old before we TTC. Our two LOs are 22 months apart and it was easier than I expected managing 2 so close in age. DD was old enough to listen and respond and for the most part, she has been a really good big sister. The pregnancy was hard at first, I get so sick through week 20 - but whereas my first pregnancy I resisted taking anti-emetics, it was necessary with my second since DD needed a functioning mommy. I am so glad I did. Zofran really is a wonder drug. We're now contemplating number 3 and whether we will keep to the same timeline or wait a bit longer. We haven't had issues TTC, so we want to be more precise on timing. I do feel the need to do this sooner than later. I just turned 36 yesterday and DH just turned 40 a few weeks ago so we are on a tighter schedule.

Useonfire · November 2011

I have a 2yo who will be about 2.4 when the new baby arrives. Before, I would have said I would have preferred to keep the spacing to 3 years. I would have never done 2u2 personally. However, when I was having a rough time in the 1st tri and DS was about 21/22 months, he was fine to play by himself and he was really gentle and caring towards me.

We made sure to PT DS before the new baby arrived so we started around the time he turned 2, putting him in pullups and taking him regularly for potty breaks. He's been fully "#2 trained" in the toilet for about 5 weeks and just in the past 2 weeks, we've put him in underwear and he pees in the toilet 95% of the time. Any accident he has is a real small one. I wanted to try and get this out of the way with PLENTY of time to avoid a significant chance of regression.

We also got him a regular (twin) bed to sleep in about a month ago, and he does great in it.

Basically, we tried to get all the big transitions out of the way long before the new baby arrives.

Sofka · November 2011

I am not a baby person and wanted to get it over with, so I always wanted 2 close in age. I say, just go for it!

My sister and I are 3 yrs apart and I hated that age difference and always said if I am not pregnant by DD's 2nd bday, I never will be. We lucked out, they are 20mo apart.

All the reasons others gave are mine as well - they play together, they are into the same things, you don't have an older pre-schooler who has activities and wants to do stuff you can't do w/ her b/c you are nursing a newborn who's sleeping every 2 hrs. Even at 20mo apart, I missed out on a lot of DD's day and all she did was stay home and play! when you go on vacations, they'll be close in enough in age to participate in same activities/rides, etc that have minimum height/age requirements.

Go for it!!

SoonToBeMrsDTS · November 2011

Mine are 21 months apart. I'm not going to lie, it was HARD when DS was born. I didn't really mind having 2 in diapers at the same time. Having a toddler in diapers is much easier than a potty-trained kid IMO. DD was still very much a baby when DS was born so I had to keep two eyes on her all the time and take care of a newborn who had bad colic for 4 months. The pregnancy part was no walk in the park either since I still had stinky diapers to change when I had m/s and DD still needed to be carried a lot.

Now it is so easy. It was definitely worth the hard work in the beginning. They are the best playmates and are into the same stuff. I can send them both in the playroom to play while I make dinner or clean and they can entertain each other. Family outings are great since the same activity is good for both of them since they are so close in age.

I am disappointed that #3 will be so much younger than my older two. I don't want him/her to be left out but as you said, we can't always plan these things.

belizeitornot · November 2011

Thank you all for the wonderful input! I was in jury duty last week and with the holiday I've finally been able to read all the responses.

I can't imagine we'll be ready to start TTC for another 6 months at least! I was quite sick until ~18 weeks (put on zofran) with H so that is something to really consider. I'm a SAHM so I don't have the luxury of dropping her off at daycare and trudging through the day sick at work. Our house also isn't big enough for 2 kids (no joke), so we'll have to seriously work on logistics with a 2nd.

So much to think about! But I think we're going to go ahead and change coverage now just to be safe.

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