Ladies who have been trying for 2+ years

ShanRich0810 · November 2011

How do you do it? I am an emotional mess. I'm not sure how I got here...I mean I know how I got here but its like...I can't believe I have been trying unsuccessfully for two years. I know most of it was my fault, not going to the RE sooner and continuing onto this hope that I will conceive on my own...but with my last BFN the day before Thanksgiving it really hit me hard.

I realized, that for two years, each month, I have been telling DH no...I am not pregnant this time. I'm not sure if I never noticed it or if I was just paying extra attention this time...but there was this look in his eyes. This quick look of shock, extreme disappointment, before he went with the normal 'It's okay, the IUI's will work." and the standard things he says.

So I am just wondering what you guys do to cope. So many of my friends have had or are pregnant now, and I feel like it's never going to happen to me. It's this 'feeling' that I get that just won't go away and no matter what I do to push it out of my mind, it just keeps coming back in.

WifeofMrA · November 2011

I fall into this catergory. We tried for 1 year with no success...and by try I mean charting, OPKs, CBEFM etc. At the 1 year mark I went tomy OBGYN, who used to work in the RE arena. She explained the next steps and we waited a couple more months before diving into all the testing. At about 15 months of TTC, all tests came back within normal range. We decided before moving on to an RE, to try for a few more months since nothing was glaringly wrong that would prevent us from getting pregnant. Then at around the 20 month mark went back to my RE who started me on clomid. No luck with that for 2 months and we moved right to an RE

I think during the first year I went with the attitude of these things take time and certainly had a ton of frustration. Once we started the IF testing it went more to fear that something was wrong, then a sigh of relief that there wasn't a major issue. Now that we've moved on to IUI's, I feel like it's more of a why me, why isn't this happening for us feeling. The biggest toll for us as a couple has been the first failed IUI. I think letting myself get upset over it helps to, then I don't let everything build up and explode. If I'm sad, I let myself cry for 10 minutes and get it out.

sorry..this turned into a really long response!

tst1998 · November 2011

Short answer: therapy. Especially if you can find someone who specializes in IF. It's been the best thing I ever did and I only wish I had started seeing someone sooner.

Long answer: I find things that I can accomplish. We've now been seeing an RE for a year, after unsuccessfully trying on our own for a year and a half. We've had 4 failed IUIs, one failed IVF and now one failed FET. And still no diagnosis. I need to feel in control of SOMETHING, so I started running. I couldn't run a mile when I started, and now I'm hooked on half-marathons. It is something that I am 100% in control of, something that is 100% do-able, and something that I know if I put the work into, I will succeed. And that's something that I have lost with IF. I don't know if that works for everyone, but just having something that I know I can make happen has really helped. And therapy. Seriously.

hootie123 · November 2011

After my first failed IUI I went to an IF support group - I am so glad I decided to go at that point - and didn't decide to keep waiting and see if the next one worked. It is truly one of the only things that has kept me going - and it is amazing to be with other women who truly understand what you are going through (and many have been through much more than me). If you can't find a support group - look into individual therapy. Other than that I don't know how I've gotten through it - other than holding onto hope that they next cycle 'would be the one'. I know I will be pregnant (and have a baby) at some point - I'm not going to accept any other reality. Ultimately - Its really really hard to keep going through this and not knowing when its going to end.

ShanRich0810 · November 2011

Thanks ladies. Sometimes it just helps to know that other people struggle with it as well. I think I am going to look into an IF support group and see if I can find one in my area!

Cheetara2 · November 2011

Honestly, I'm not really sure how. Lately, I've been keeping my brain busy by hosting parties, working on decorating the house, and playing games on my phone. That way I don't think about conceiving as much. But I do have my off days when I'm mad at life and how unfair it is, and I break down and cry. I also pray, and try to lean on the notion that God has a plan for me and things will happen in its time, even though it's hard to believe that sometimes.

Trish11278 · November 2011

I am so sorry about your BFN!! IF sucks! I have been trying since 2009 and have been seeing a RE for over a year now with now success. I did get pg with my last IUI but it resulted in a m/c. Everyday it is on my mind but I try to think about the future and try to keep hope and faith. It is extremely hard when everyone around you is pg. My SIL is pg with #2 and we were trying before she got pg with #1 so I completely understand how rough it is.

I hope you can find some hope for the future. It is hard when even DH doesn't fully understand. (((HUGS)))

kelnyc · November 2011

Oh Shan, I just want to hug all of your hurt away. I totally get how you feel, and you know I hit bottom after failed IUI #3, but I just picked myself back up, dusted myself off, and kept trying. I also immediately found a therapist specializing in fertility and I see her weekly or bi-weekly, depending on my schedule. She has been such a help because she works with lots of people in my shoes and makes me feel more "normal" for having the feelings I have. The same goes for my acupuncturist. I seriously adore her and she is like my second therapist.

After each BFN is the start of a new cycle and another chance to get pregnant. During our break from IUI to IVF, we went to a bunch of concerts and took little trips and things like that to distract us. It was exactly what we needed to be emotionally rested to take on IVF. Do whatever you need to in order to feel ok again. ((hugs))

kz's_girlygirl · November 2011

I'm sorry about the BFN, and completely know where you are coming from. In the time DH and I have been trying, one of my sisters has gotten married and now has an almost 2 year old. It seems like another friend or family member is announcing their pregnancy every time I turn around and it definitely is very difficult.

We aren't at the end of our treatment road yet, so we are still hopeful that one of these times it will work. Until we have exhausted our options for a biological child we aren't giving up hope that it will happen for us.

Sometimes I get that inkling that it just isn't meant to be, for whatever reason, but I have to tell myself otherwise. Nothing else has ever really worked according to my preferred timeline, so I can't expect this to either.

I haven't been to a therapist, but have taken advantage of the support opportunities offered through my Re's clinic and would definitely recommend you see if there is something that fits for you. My clinic offers web and phone based support meetings, and anyone can attend whether they are a patient or not- CNY Fertility Center is the name. Those are nice, especially if you aren't all that comfortable talking with people face to face just yet.

GL, and remember, you aren't ever going it alone.

ShanRich0810 · November 2011

Thanks so much for the words and advice ladies. I know I need to dust myself off and get myself on the ball somehow..its just a matter of doing it now!

zookbride · November 2011

I got a BFN the day after Thanksgiving and that was my 3rd IUI...its heartbreaking. I have gotten through the past 31 months by the support of the ladies on here and getting to know several pretty closely where now we talk on the phone, get together, etc. It helps to have friends that know what you are going through.

I also waited over a year before we went to the RE, but I don't blame myself that that's the reason we aren't pg yet. You have to move forward as you feel ready, and I wasn't ready until the beginning of this year.

I do get the feeling of this never happening, that's what I'm going through right now. We have plans to start injectables the first of next year, but I'm to the point of thinking if its worth it or not. So much money and stress and so far for nothing. It is painful and hard to get through all this.

I have been to a Bible study IF group but they quit meeting b/c everyone got pg, so now I'm thinking about going to a RESOLVE group. If not that then I will probably have to start seeing an IF counselor soon, b/c it really is getting to me. I can't believe we are coming up on 3 years...and 2 years since my c/p.

Hang in there and know you aren't alone. ((hugs))

byrne15 · November 2011

I didn't seek treatment until cycle 19 (I think). I just kept thinking, we just had bad timing.

Well, we have been TTC since September 2009 and I have been with my RE since Jan 2011.

IF really sucks...and it doesn't suck less the more it goes on.

kellyrn9956 · November 2011

February will be 3 years for us. However, we didn't seek help from an RE until almost the 2 year mark. It took me almost a year to regulate off BCP. When we finally sought treatment, we found out we both carried ureaplasma, which can be related to IF and implantation/miscarriage issues. I also was treated for a high DHEA (the precursor to testosterone) level with dexamethasone, and it seems to have reversed that problem permanently. Six months later, I got pregnant.

So to deal with it, I just count back to November of last year, when we were treated. I honestly think the ureaplasma and DHEA treatments helped us to get pregnant. So to me, I've only been trying for a year...defense mechanism? Probably. But it keeps me sane. I also subtract any months that our timing was off or that I had a 8 day LP - you know, those months that it never could have happened. LOL.

To me, TTC for almost 3 years is just too depressing to deal with any other way.

One step at a time...

sbrowns08 · November 2011

Honestly, I have good days and bad days. We have been with our RE for 15 months, with more treatment BFNs than most people have in a lifetime. I learned how to sew and knit and I run. I can tell I'm starting to get depressed when I stop doing those things for a while. It usually helps to dive back in. This board is obviously a great place too! I'm sorry you're going through this...

Mrs.Slick · November 2011

I was honestly mentally fine up until our first IVF failed and then I fell apart for a while. One thing that helped was going to a local Resolve support group. It was wonderful and I plan on going every month.

I have good and bad days and when the bad start to outnumber the good then I'll look into therapy. Luckily my RE's office has one on staff who specializes in IF and has been through it herself.

AKB090609 · November 2011

Our 2 years was in September, and I honestly just try to take it one cycle at a time. I do my best to focus on the future and my dogs. I did take up painting and that has been a productive outlet for me.

katib77 · November 2011

I'm not going to lie...the two year mark hurt. A LOT. But somehow the number hurt more than two years and one month. It was like turning 30. The idea of the number rather than the time itself was what hurt and once I moved beyond that number, it wasn't as painful. Now that I'm turning 34 and on cycle 35 I look back and wonder why a number (No matter if it was my age or years TTC) could hurt so bad.

I think trying to enjoy life NOW and not spending all my time longing for my future with baby helps. I remind myself that I have a loving husband, wonderful family & great friends. I find projects to make others feel happy, helps in turn make me feel happy. And I find being proactive in my own treatments helped. Knowing I am very knowledgeable in the world of IF now makes me feel better. Education is power!

Plus, and I feel ashamed to admit this sometimes...but I just feel deep down in the core of my being that I will become a mother. So I just try to live holding onto that belief and faith that it will eventually happen. If a few years from now it has not, then I'm sure I'll need therapy to "grieve" what I believe now to be my destiny. But for now I'll stick to that belief.

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