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Wasn't prepared for this.

AmKaSawAmKaSaw
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

My bleeding stopped almost 24 hrs ago, and hasn't started back up.  I expected to feel relief after it stopped, but I wasn't expecting this next wave of shock and sadness.

My m/c is (possibly) over.  I couldn't wait for it to end, but now that it has I feel even more loss.  I don't know if that makes any sense, and I don't miss it by any means, but now that I'm not bleeding anymore its like the nail has been hammered all the way in...everything is fulling sinking in. 

Its really over.  I'm really not pregnant anymore.  My baby is really gone.  I guess not bleeding is just as bad a reminder as bleeding.

I don't know, I'm confused.

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Re: Wasn't prepared for this.

  • Mare15Mare15
    I feel the same way.  I thought I would bleed for at least a week and I woke up today to nothing.  Even knowing my baby was leaving and the blood showed that, now I know the baby is gone and that hurts like hell too.  It is confusing, but at least we're in the same boat on this. 
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  • littlemaybabylittlemaybaby member

    I think it's normal.  At least I can say that I'm going through the same thing.  Almost like my body is telling me it's time to move on, but I'm so emotionally not ready to move on yet.  I just feel so totally empty right now.

    Hug.  

    ds #1 | our perfect miracle born 39w1d | 12.9.2009 loss #1 | natural m/c 7/2010 (~8w) loss #2 | chemical pregnancy 6/2011 (4w4d) loss #3 | chemical pregnancy 7/2011 (4w3d) loss #4 | natural m/c 11/2011 (10w1d) RPL Testing 12/2011. Results 100% normal. ds #2 | our 2nd perfect miracle born 36w3d | 12.31.2012
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  • bobbydsgirlbobbydsgirl member

    I understand how you feel. For me, the grief comes whenever I think about how we went and buried the remains in a wilderness area on Friday. Even though the fetus had been dead for more than 2 weeks and I had known about it for 4 days already, the finality of leaving its body somewhere else away from me is too much too bear. It's not like keeping it here would change anything. The feeling of sadness over what we cannot change can be overwhelming at times.

    I even feel like I don't even know if I want to try to have another child. We had planned 2 children for our family and I got pregnant 2 times. The first child is healthy and our second baby died. I feel like I don't want a "replacement" baby. I feel like (if I were lucky enough to complete a healthy pregnancy) that I would see that child and think of how they are here b/c Jules is not. Sad, sad, sad.

    Sorry I turned my offer of support to you into a vent for me. It just came out.

    ((HUGS))

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  • MidwestIrishBrideaMidwestIrishBridea member
    ::nods::

    I hear you.  I felt the same way.  It's like the bleeding was a grieving process, and now that it's stopped, you think, "Now what?  I just move on?"  And you're not ready.  Still take time to remember your baby and your loss.  Be gentle with yourself and grant yourself that space. 

    Love and prayers.  <3
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  • LivingItUpInUPLivingItUpInUP member
    I completely understand, I bled for two weeks (including spotting) and once it stopped I was like, "now what?"  Even waiting for the hcg to go down was bittersweet.  I want to move on because I know each day is one step closer to my take home baby, but I don't feel like I'm ready to emotionally move on, and going through the physical stuff made me feel like it was okay.  I feel like now everyone expects me to be over it and if not I'm dwelling on it too much. 
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  • krissyrose210krissyrose210
    I agree with you. All I wanted for a week was for the bleeding to stop so the reminder would be gone and so I would feel better. It didn't happen that way though. I would find reminders everywhere else. I felt even more empty than I did before when I was bleeding. It is an awful and overwhelming feeling. I'm sorry you are experiencing that now.
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  • AmKaSawAmKaSaw

    Double whammy...bitter sweet as it is.  I went to my first and last follow up today.  My levels are almost all the way down and I've been cleared to TTC after AF shows up.

    This is happening so much sooner than I expected and I'm not ready to be completely happy or relieved about it yet.

    Thank you guys...it does make me feel better to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. 

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  • RedRose84RedRose84
    It's a real roller coaster of emotions. :(  **Hugs**
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  • Que*SyrahQue*Syrah member
    Hang in there. The end is almost as painful as the beginning.
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