LGBT Parenting
Natalie&Mark
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Learning About Grandma: Help?
Natalie&Mark
member
Forgive me if this is lazy, but I'm going to just link you to where I've fleshed out a lot of details about an upcoming parenting concern of mine. Your board comes highly recommended, and I would love any encouraging insight or experiences you could share.
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/ShowThread.aspx?PostID=60613803#60613803
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Re: Learning About Grandma: Help?
I read this earlier on the 2nd tri board. First, as somewhat of a side note, I hope you realize that being gay/lesbian is different than being transexual. I mention this because you said your dad doesn't identify as gay.
Secondly, I think you're making a bigger deal of this than needs to be. It's really not a huge issue, IMO. Ask him how he prefers to be addressed, you don't need "labels" as you mentioned. You should listen to what he says, have respect for it, and go with that.
Finally, Kids are very accepting so it will be several yrs before you will need to explain anything to them. At that time, just be honest and explain It in terms they can understand.
Yes, of course. I only mention that because it's an illustration of how disparate our perceptions of things are. If he's a woman dating a woman (even if they haven't always been), then they're not strictly heterosexual. I guess I'm not concerned about labeling the situation with child, the more I think about it. I'm beginning to relax about it, having heard from mothers now about how little they question until they're older anyway.
I think you've gotten really good advice over on the 2nd Trimester board. The only thing I'd like to add is it sounds like before you can figure out how to present this to LO, you need to figure out how you feel about addressing him. You still call him Dad and he still presents as male when you come to visit. That small gesture makes me think that he might be open to a discussion about his preferred gender words and what to call him, since he is aware that you don't suddenly feel comfortable with him as a woman or with calling him "Mom". Basically, it sounds like you two are still negotiating how to handle his transition, and as many people have already said, you probably don't need to figure it all out right now since LO won't ask questions for a while.
I think it is admirable that you want to keep your Dad in your life despite the hurt he has caused you, and the additional hurt and confusion his gender transition added to that. Keep your reasons for choosing to keep a relationship with him close to your heart as you try to work this out with him.
AMH 0.5, AFC 5-8, FSH 7ish
IVF #1 - antagonist. Empty follicle syndrome. 1 retrieved, 0 fertilized.
IVF #2 - antagonist. Ovulated early. 3 retrieved, 2 fertilized, 0 blasts
I would echo PP in that you should talk to your Dad about her preferences. My Dad is transgender as well, although he has not fully transitioned. What has worked for my family is to just keep checking in with my Dad about her preferences re pronouns, names, etc. She chose to be called a nickname based on her first name instead of Grandpa/Grandma. Works for me.
Sounds like outside of the gender expression issues, you and your dad have a lot to work through. I think it is admirable that you are trying. Good luck!