I feel empty

lindsayquinnsy · November 2011

Well that's that. I took the pills that they gave me to m/c and they worked. I have been miserable for three days and the bleeding is starting to slow down. Everyone has been so supportive. I kept telling people that I am ok, just sad. They believed me and most have stopped asking how I am doing and if I need anything. This is a relief in a way, but also very isolating. My sadness is now old news, and I am left alone with an empty feeling where I felt full and happy a week ago. I am not usually someone that takes strong painkillers. They prescribed something strong to get me through the m/c and I find that I am enjoying the numb feeling they give me. Good thing I only have two left. School will start again tomorrow. I hope I have the strength to have patience with some of the crappy parents in the school I work at. I am trying not to ask why right now. I guess that's part of grieving. Why does my friend who smoked, drank and used drugs for years have a healthy pregnancy? Why does the pregnant homeless girl begging for money go to full term? It all seems very unfair and imbalanced. I hope this stage passes soon. I feel like a horrible person. Sigh. "Moving on with life" the way I have been told to do time and time again by "helpful" supporters.

Thanks for listening.

RedRose84 · November 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm a teacher as well, and know that feeling of not wanting to go back to work. I have some really awful parents this year and they don't make it any easier. Hang in there, it will get better. I was lost and empty the first few days. Slowly, I started to feel more like myself. The sadness has not completely gone away and there are times I feel so alone. No one I know talks about the m/c anymore and everyone gets weird when I casually bring it up. That is why I have found these boards so wonderful. Please PM me if you ever need to talk. **Big Hugs**

A2010B · November 2011

I am so sorry. It's a really hard thing to go through and none of us feel like we "deserve" it. No one does really. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Just because someone else goes through it doesn't make it any easier for me. I am happy for everyone that doesn't have to walk this walk, and I know that sounds crazy, but I wouldn't pick this for anyone. It doesn't seem fair but I try personally not to worry about that. A lot of life isn't fair, but we choose how to deal the cards we're dealt. Easier said than done, I know. One day at a time, one step at a time. But every feeling you have is normal and part of the process, and I am very sorry that you're going through this.

peaceistheway · November 2011

I'm still fresh in this process (day two of officially miscarrying)... but I'm already getting similar sentiments. I too had a friend who drank and smoked cigarettes all throughout her pregnancy, only to have a gorgeous healthy baby. And another who smoked tons of pot to get through the nausea, again with a healthy baby. I'm no angel, but as soon as I learned we were pregnant, I did everything by the book. We're going to wonder, and question, and feel this sense of injustice. I guess it's just part of the grieving and coping process. What's important is that it's normal. You're not a horrible person for thinking these things... it's just where your head goes. Just don't let those thoughts take over your life. Thinking that way, while normal, won't make you pregnant again. Nor will it take away your pain. So when those thoughts cross your mind, just breath through it and gently redirect your focus to a different topic.

They gave me vicodin, and I'm right there with you. It's almost a welcomed numbness. I keep feeling like I want to crack open a bottle of wine and pop a vicodin and just forget. But I know that's not going to change what I'm going through.

The doctors and nurses yesterday all tried to console me in saying our bodies just know when somethings not right. Our bodies know to get rid of "bad seeds". We'll never fully understand what went wrong, or why it happened to us. But I'm sure we're going to be okay.

Stick around here... and take everything day by day. Go back to work, and do your best to carry on with your life. A friend of mine who has endured a MC earlier this year (who is 4 months pregnant now), told me the whole experience made her more focused on getting in great shape. She held onto all the diet changes, no drinking, no caffeine... and continued taking her prenatals. Now she's healthy and pregnant, and doing great.

I'm hoping we can both fall away from this funk and use it in the only positive way we can. Just get yourself super healthy and ready for the next time you see those two lines. No one can predict what will happen, but statistically, the odd's for two MC's in a row are dramatically lowered. So keep your chin up .

lgmom2010 · November 2011

I'm so sorry

I hope your days at school aren't too rough. It might help to take some time off and grieve the way you need to. And don't feel like a horrible person, we all ask those questions.

jhansen3 · November 2011

I am sorry for your loss.

krissyrose210 · November 2011

I am sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about feeling empty. It is an awful feeling that no one understands. When people asked how I felt I would say drained and empty and they wouldn't know how to respond. I go back to work Tuesday and I am dreading it. Last time I was there I had happiness and hope, now I have none of that. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and I hope your school days aren't too bad.

Mare15 · November 2011

My DH said almost word for word what you did about the "Why's". So you're not alone in that. I also have an empty feeling. Sorry you're feeling like this.

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