no ejaculation

CRLSMC2011 · November 2011

I'm not sure exactly where to post this, so I hope some of you ladies might be able to help me out. We're not experiencing infertility or anything, but there is a definite trouble conceiving because the mechanics don't seem to function right. Maybe someone has some advice.......

We are only married for 2 months, but were living together for awhile before we got married and want to TTC right away. I will be 30 next month and he is 37.

However, this seems like an impossibility right now. For a little background, we both waited until we got married to have sex. I had been with a couple of guys previously where there was the mutual hand job thing, but with my husband he wouldn't even go that far before being married. Our wedding night was seriously the first time he touched an adult vagina or saw one up close. I had tried to encourage him to get a little more physical but he had convinced himself that any below the belt equals behavior reserved for marriage.

I do love and trust him and we had many conversations about this. Well, to make a long story short, he still is not comfortable with sex, never initiates and although he says he is starting to enjoy it sees himself as bad at it and therefore doesn't want to "improve the skills" through practice.

He has gotten pretty good at giving me a clitoral orgasm with his hands and we are starting to figure out the mechanics/physics of intercourse.

HOWEVER, the BIG problem is that he starts thinking too much and doesn't let himself relax or really enjoy physical intimacy. In the two months since we've been married--including all nice and relaxed on the honeymoon--he has not been able to orgasm with me. He stands up and stays up very easily, but has not been able to ejaculate or orgasm at all--by hand or vaginally.

I have tried many different things, but he just won't/can't shoot. The mechanics work (according to him) just not with/by me. Not even a little bit.

What can I do to help him get over whatever anxiety he has so that we will eventually be able to have kids?

Thanks for any suggestions and best of luck to everyone in their journey.

honeygirl500 · November 2011

Can he ejaculate when he is on "his own" or has wet dreams? Either way I recommend he talks to his Dr. about it. It sounds like it could be psych related if he can do it on his own. Otherwise if he can't, like pp said prob physiological. It might take awhile for things to get comfortable between you both, any longer and I would say have it looked into. Good luck!

sbrowns08 · November 2011

I agree with the others that you should definitely seek help. I would have him see his GP first, but it sounds like a psychiatrist may be your best bet. If not for TTC, for the sake of your own intimacy I would want it taken care. of. Best of luck and I hope you find some easy answers!

pugznploons · November 2011

1) he needs to be checked out by a doctor

2) he needs to see a therapist, perhaps even a sex therapist.

if he spent the first 37 years of his life thinking sex was "bad", he's got some work to do to reverse that thinking.

is he able to masturbate?

CRLSMC2011 · November 2011

Yes he is able to ejaculate when masturbating and has had wet dreams when he stopped doing so for awhile (hoping it would help to happen at the right time).

I agree that we need to consult someone. He has had bad experiences with psychologists and therapists and refuses to consider that option. He had enough trouble opening up to me about sex and his concerns and such.

I just wonder how much time I should allow him to try to work it out on his own and get through it (like I said, it's only been 2 months...) and when I need to start pressuring him. I'm afraid to start pressuring him since I finally got him to a point where he's comfortable talking to me and starting to be comfortable being intimate.

And he does want kids and has said he wants them sooner rather than later.

carcrashheart · November 2011

Since he can ejaculate on his own then it sounds like more of a mental hang up rather than a physical problem. Perhaps convincing him to be so restrained with a woman for so long has built it in his head that he is preventing himself from ejaculating. Like he has convinced himself he can only do such a thing alone, kwim? He may have had bad luck with previous therapists, but i would suggest working on that bc it may be the only way he can resolve this.

You can try asking the sex & relationship board on the nest, they may have some suggestions. They could be very blunt though, so be prepared.

pugznploons · November 2011

I'll be honest, this is something that can really mess with your marriage. I would take it seriously while trying to be as supportive as possible. I wonder if he has any kind of trauma in his background. That could certainly be a factor. Also religious background/experiences can have a big impact on one's ideas about sex and their ability to have it.

I'd start with a medical doctor, have them run tests, it could be something as simple as a hormone/testosterone issue. If they don't find anything maybe give it a few more months of trying on your own, but I would push the issue and find a counselor you can go to TOGETHER to help you guys work through his issues. Maybe having you by his side would help calm some of his nerves, but he will probably need to have some private sessions as well, especially if he is not fully comfortable talking about it around you.

Him being unwilling to go to a therapist is a red flag. If he wants to have children and wants to have a healthy marriage he needs to work through his fear/pride and get help. Quite frankly if it were my husband I would not take no as an answer. Love means doing hard things. Sorry if that is harsh, but I just think you've only scratched the surface of this, and you need a professional to get to the bottom of the problem.

Raggedy1 · November 2011

I would give him a few more months with continued TLC and lots of intimacy in the bedroom. As his comfort level increases and his ability to view you, and more importantly himself, as a sexual creature increases he may find it easier to climax.

Hmmmm, last bit of advice, and this may sound too personal, but... I'd try to say "I love you, I love you, I looooove you" out loud over and over intensely as he seems to be on the brink... that type of reassurance could work... also, if you're used to eye contact, maybe try burying your face in his neck during the pivotal point of sex and see if he can push past the threshold of climax when he doesn't feel like you're "watching" him.

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