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Blended Families
kmchavez82
member
SM's about to be BM's (long)
kmchavez82
member
I recently found this board and it has my mind running in circles alot. Let me start by saying I have 2 SD's (4 yr, 7yr) and am expecting my first baby in January (team pink). I married BF in less than a year after knowing him for 13 years. We started trying and immediately got pregnant. I'm thrilled to be pregnant and for the most part my SD's are great kids, just have to straighten them out when they come back from BM's. What I worry about is how the situation of PT kids will affect my baby and her behavior. Does anyone have any advice? I worry sometimes what did I get myself/baby into? My IL's don't help much by babying SD's when they visit. DH is worried about how the girls will react knowing the baby is here all the time and gets more attention/do more than they do. I love my SD's but know deep down I'll love my baby differently and feel guilty knowing this already. How do most men handle this situation? He worries he'll favor our baby since he had SD's at a young age and now can maturely enjoy having a baby that was planned and will be around 24/7.
Backstory: BM doesn't keep a job very often, if so its waitressing at bars and relys on living with her mother in a double wide that isn't kept up very well and doesn't provide for the kids very well (no rules, eat wtv, doesn't keep up with their grades / health). She tells them she doesn't have money and yet shows up with the new iphone. Color me confused. Idk, I know it could be worse from what I've read on here but the overall has me worried for my baby since we can't afford a lawyer to start trying to get custody of the girls.
Sorry for the long post, just my mind racing with thoughts since my due date is getting closer and I'm getting nervous and very scared.
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Re: SM's about to be BM's (long)
1) if you feel you need to get custody of the girls because of the lack of care they are getting at BM's house....FIND the money for an attorney.
2) I'll respond/answer your post:
I have a DD with my DH. Our DD is 20 months old. DH's kids are SD--10, SS--8.
So far they seem to be okay with knowing that DD stays with us 100% of the time, and that they have two houses. My DD's behavior isn't any different when the kids are with us...we have the same rules and run our household the same way regardless of if the older kids are here or not, so consistency has been the key for DD.
Do I love my biological DD differently than I love my stepkids...yeah, I do. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't. But it's DIFFERENT, not more, not less, but different. I love them all. They are my children regardless of if I birthed them or not. Sure, my DD is special to me because I gave birth to her, but like I said that doesn't mean I love her more.
DH has been great too. He doesn't treat the older kids any different now than he did before the baby was born. He loves them, spends time with them, and is a terrific father to him the same way he was before DD was born. And now he's a terrific father to her too.
The anxiety is normal. But try to relax.
Your DH just needs to be sure that he is consistent when your SDs come to stay. Remind them that in THIS house THESE are the rules, regardless of how things are at their mom's. They are young, so he will have to keep reminding them.
And try not to feel guilty about loving your child "differently". You love your DH differently than you love your parents, but you still love them all. You don't have a finite amount of love to give and your heart will make room for everyone. Just make sure you're giving out lots of hugs and "I love you's". DH should plan to spend one on one time with each of his girls; SDs when he knows they will be there for visitation.
I won't say it will all fall into place easily. There will be struggles and resentment and frustrations. But you can't plan for everything. The fact that you're worried just means that you care. And that means, in my mind, that you'll do just fine.
As far as how visitation affects DD, DD loves her brother and sisters and is sad when they have to leave. Some days she cries uncontrollably and breaks my heart and other times she's ok with it. When she's sad we try to do something fun to distract her. We also let her call SKs whenever she wants and talk about SKs missing their mommy if they stayed with us to try to get her to relate a little. It seems to work for us.
We didn't have the money to pay for a lawyer to get custody of SS either, but we did it anyway. We are still paying back loans to family and friends who helped us scrape together the cash.
On that note, DH does a fabulous job of loving his sons equally and wholly. I love the fact that SS lives here full-time and gets to grow up with his brother (BM did not ever marry and lives at home with her parents...she is pushing 40 so I doubt any more kids are in her future).
I think if your SK's BM is not taking care of her daughters, you need to do something to change it. It sounds like they really need you