Anxiety and Fear are starting to take over!!! 25 days til due date
Hello All!!! I haven't been on for a while because we have been soo busy preparing for our DD to arrive. However I have been told by my agency that she is not considered OUR Daughter until she is in our vehicle on the way home from teh hospital. OUCH! But i suspose it is reality because we all know that Adoption is not a Guarentee.
We have been blessed with a wonderful young lady carrying a baby girl due December 17th. She is full term this Saturday and escentially could go into labor at anytime. We see one another at least twice a week and talk almost everyday. We are planning in having an OPEN adoption and I LOVE THE IDEA!!!
However in this past week......The BM has been getting very defensive, cancelling Dr's Appts and now says that She wants to make sure that HER and HER family Get what they want during the hospital stay. I know for US being able to be at the Hospital with her is a PRIVELAGE not a RIGHT!! Don't get me wrong, I am 110% supportive of her having all the ALONE time with the baby and Her family.. WE UNDERSTAND. BUT in the beginning...we were to be in the room with her during labor and my DH was to cut the cord. Now she hasn't told us she has changed her mind.. but it has me thinking that maybe we shouldn't even be at the hospital during this time. Maybe I have placed too many expectations?
What have your Hospital experiences been with the BM? Am I feeling Normal or am I just being CRAZY. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster and it is not stopping!! I feel sick, can't eat, can hardly concentrate here at work..... What emotions were you feeling or having during that last month of your BM Pregnancy?
I appreciate all of your input... support and Advice!!!!
Re: Anxiety and Fear are starting to take over!!! 25 days til due date
We didn't meet anyone until DD was already born, so I have no advice on that front. I'd check in with your SW to see if they have any insight.
And I can imagine this must be a very hard time for the e-mom. I'd respect her boundaries and go with the flow as much as possible.
Keep us posted.
Hey! We are matched with BM who is due just a few days before your BM! I think as it gets closer the "what if's" are overwhelming. There are NO guarantees that these will be OUR babies (God knows we want them more than anything), so all we can do is wait. Our BM is full-term and could go in to labor at any moment
We want to be parents more than anything else, and it would be crushing to get this close just to have it all come crashing down. I never thought I would say this until now (in the beginning it hurt so much to not have contact with the young lady that could create our family...I just wanted to give her my love), but I am thankful that we don't have direct contact now. We get great updates from the agency and attorney that help us get through each day, but I can't imagine the added anxiety of hearing about all the emotional struggles I would imagine every BM goes through as her EDD gets closer. There are pros and cons to your situation and to ours I just pray we both get the Ultimate Christmas Present this year!!!
b2b Injectable IUI #1 7/25/10 & 7/26/10 = BFP beta 14dpIUI = 133 MC 9/14 at 9 weeks
b2b Injectable IUI #2 12/5/10 & 12/6/10 = BFN
IVF #1 ER 3/28/11 ET 3 embryos 3/31/11= BFN
b2b Injectable IUI#3 6/28/11 & 6/29/11 = BFN
PAIF/SAIF Welcome
Submitted Adoption Application on 6/1/2011
Homestudy 7/19/2011
IVF#2 CX due to Adoption Match
We were blessed with our daughter through the gift of adoption
IVF #2.1 ET 2 embryos 2/14/13 7 frosties
First off- take a deep breath
This may be controversial- but here's one thing I don't like about adoption (and why I am SO grateful for this board). I feel like at this point there are TON's of resources for BP's (as there should be, this is a huge decision they are making) but I feel like for an AP the resources at this point are lacking- and they're pretty much told by outside agencies "put your feelings aside" when we all know it's just not that easy.
Our BM went through a VERY similar turn. She cancelled appointments, changed her mind about delivery, etc all at about 38 weeks. For her, that's when it was becoming SO real and she was scared (not just about adoption but about child birth). She thought if she didn't go to the doctor it wouldn't happen. She also HATED being checked and would cancel out of fear of this alone!
In the end, our plan changed about 15 times before and during delivery- but I still look back at it and appreciate what we got. I consider it to be like a mother getting ready for childbirth with a birthplan of natural labor but ends up with an Epi or E-Section.
My only advice would be to know that this does happen, and to just hold your course. Praying for peace for you and BP's.
I wanted to wish you luck with everything and just try to take things day by day. I was supposed to be in the delivery room (about a month and a half before dd was born, her birthmom asked me.) But then a few weeks before, she changed her mind and only wanted her mom. We weren't allowed to be at the hospital when she went into labor. We were told that things changed and to just hang in there and wait for the call to come to the hospital. This was really hard for me --- I told myself that whatever she wanted was fine (and of course told her that) but in my heart I was very worried that if she was changing her mind about this, maybe she was changing her mind about the adoption. I tried to just stay as positive as I could. Things were not within our control.
The day before dd was born, we knew her water had broken but we didn't know anything else. Her caseworker had left that on a voicemail for me, but I couldn't get a hold of her to ask anything else. We had to wait all night for a phone call from her caseworker when she called to tell us that we had a daughter. You can imagine how hard it was to wait all night long. I really didn't sleep!
This is the expectant mom's hospital experience and she may keep things the same or she may change her mind about what she wants. It's whatever she wants.
Yes, it is an emotional rollercoaster. Unfortunately that's just how it is. I would just do whatever it is that she wants and really kind of step back if that feels like the best thing to do. Let her make the decisions. And definitely ask your caseworker (or hers) for advice. Good luck with everything. Do your best to hang in there and stay positive.
I can relate....
Hospital time is scary. I know that my adoption mama friends, including those Nesties on FB, helped me through those strange days.
Our BM was committed to her A-plan. I didn't have many fears about her changing her mind BUT when we made it to the hospital it all became more real. She spoke like she was committed but she also wanted LOTS of time alone with the baby. I know it was her right but it was scary and somewhat upsetting. My daughter was here but I couldn't spend much time with her. Having to not be with my daughter was tough. I knew BM needed time but it wasn't easy. We were in limbo.
A wise woman reminded me (it may have been one of you) that this was her ONLY time to be a mom to the baby. She knew it had an "end date" and she needed the time to be her time. As hard as it was I kept reminding myself that I had the rest of baby B's life while BM had four days.
We shared time with the baby, I stayed some in her room, and she kept the baby by herself for all of one day. It was tough. My mood swung from being petrified to being understanding. My rationale self knew it was all okay but it was HARD! So hard!
I do regret that I didn't abandon my fears and love w/o regard. That's super hard to write but it's honest. I held onto the what-ifs and now I look at my precious daughter and wish I wouldn't have wasted a second of loving with my guard up. (To add to the situation, incompentent lawyer and ASA did not process the paperwork correctly so there was a 48 hr period where the TPR was null and voided.)
My advice- have a connection to women who've been there so if you start to go a bit crazy, someone with experience can talk you down. Family and friends are great but they don't necessarily get or embrace the open adoption the way we do.
Hugs...
Jennissilly, Artteacher, and Silliestbunny,
Your responses to this post were great!! I know they weren't directed at me, but your words brought me so much comfort. Thanks for sharing!!
b2b Injectable IUI #1 7/25/10 & 7/26/10 = BFP beta 14dpIUI = 133 MC 9/14 at 9 weeks
b2b Injectable IUI #2 12/5/10 & 12/6/10 = BFN
IVF #1 ER 3/28/11 ET 3 embryos 3/31/11= BFN
b2b Injectable IUI#3 6/28/11 & 6/29/11 = BFN
PAIF/SAIF Welcome
Submitted Adoption Application on 6/1/2011
Homestudy 7/19/2011
IVF#2 CX due to Adoption Match
We were blessed with our daughter through the gift of adoption
IVF #2.1 ET 2 embryos 2/14/13 7 frosties
Oh, I was terrified the entire time waiting, didn't tell hardly anyone that we were planning to adopt b/c I was so terrified it would fall through. Our story was different than the normal though, we weren't even looking into adoption and heard from a friend that she knew someone who was close to giving birth (50 days to be exact) and did we want the baby... it was a crazy time.
At the hospital we were called when she checked in (she waited until she was further along than she had planned) and we got there about 2 hours before Hadley was born, we have not met the bmom to date, she wanted it this way so we respected her 100% in her wishes. We would ask the nurses before leaving our room (Hadley was with us less than 2 minutes after her birth) b/c we didn't want to run into her. She checked out the day before we did so that made it easier.
I know my story isn't exactly what you were asking b/c it's far from typical but I love sharing our story...
InlovewithB - So glad it was helpful
I also wanted to add that we didn't know how things would really go at the hospital. Since things had changed and I wasn't going to be in delivery anymore, we weren't sure. So when we spoke to her caseworker, we were told that dd's birthmom wanted us to be there in the nursery and have time with dd. We got there around 1:00pm and had a couple of hours with her. We were given a little room right across from where they have all of the bassinets (sp?) in the nursery. They wheeled dd across the hall to us and we got to hold her, feed her, and change her diaper. It was surreal and by far, one of the happiest days of our lives. She was so little! We asked how her birthmom was doing (that was my first question when we go the call in the a.m., too.) We were told that around 4pm or so we could go to dd's birthmom's room - she wanted to see us. She was holding dd and feeding her a bottle. We just spent maybe 10 minutes with her (we had spent time with her over the summer, though...had gotten to know her and had taken her to a doctor appt. and a birth class.) but we got to say the things we wanted to say. It was hard - we were all crying. Everyone's emotions were VERY high. Her mom (dd's birthgrandma) had left the room because she didn't think she could see us right then. She had met us in the summer, too. She was having a very hard time as well - not with us (she liked us and approved of the adoption), just with everything that was going on. We hugged her birthmom, we thanked her, and we gave her a small gift and a letter.
We happened to bump into Zoe's birthgrandma in the hallway. She was crying. We just hugged each other really hard. She said she just was having a very hard time and couldn't stay in the room. She had bought dd a blanket and a sleeper and she stepped back into the room so she could get it for us. How nice was that? It was dd's first keepsake from her birthfamily.
I'm sitting here crying as I type this. It's like it was yesterday. All of those feelings come rushing back when I remember that day.
It was hard - for us but really hard for her birthmom and her birthfamily - and things are going to go however they go. Just hang in there. Remember to breathe and take it all as it comes.
I'm so glad that we had the chance to talk to her birthmom and her birthgrandma that day. It made me feel more confident/hopeful that dd's birthmom would definitely place her with us. But I'm also glad we kind of stepped back and just let things happen as they did. We didn't push for anything or ask for anything; it wasn't about us at that point.
I hope everything goes really well for you guys.
ArtTeacher you just made me cry ugly tears!! I can only imagine how emotional those days were for all of you! Thank you so much for sharing your more details!
I have tried to write our BM a letter, but words just don't seem to do justice to the emotions and feelings I want to express to her.
b2b Injectable IUI #1 7/25/10 & 7/26/10 = BFP beta 14dpIUI = 133 MC 9/14 at 9 weeks
b2b Injectable IUI #2 12/5/10 & 12/6/10 = BFN
IVF #1 ER 3/28/11 ET 3 embryos 3/31/11= BFN
b2b Injectable IUI#3 6/28/11 & 6/29/11 = BFN
PAIF/SAIF Welcome
Submitted Adoption Application on 6/1/2011
Homestudy 7/19/2011
IVF#2 CX due to Adoption Match
We were blessed with our daughter through the gift of adoption
IVF #2.1 ET 2 embryos 2/14/13 7 frosties
Sorry I brought out the ugly tears, InlovewithB!
The letter was something I took a long time to write. Then I would have dh look at it and add/delete. When we had it how we really wanted it, I wrote it on really nice stationary. I kept a copy of it for our daughter. In fact, I try to do that with every letter that we send to her birthmom.
In addition to the letter, we took flowers (a small bouquet of purple daisies - her favorite color/flower) and a few hospital type things - a magazine, slipper socks, etc. We also gave her a Build a Bear. We made the same on for DD. We told her that every month we would take pictures of dd with her bear so her birthmom could compare how big she was getting to the bear. (We had/have visits, too, so she can see her in person, but it was nice to take the pics, too). I think she really liked that.
This is a pic of dd with her bear and a monkey that was a first Christmas gift from her birthfamily. (Edited to add: just realized the blanket behind her is the blanket her birthgrandma gave her in the hospital. The cool thing, too, is that I had done a 'birds' theme in her room and it had little birds on it. She didn't know that ahead of time. )
Our e-mom could go into labor any day, she went three months early with her first daughter and I have no idea about how early with her second. With her current baby (she still has the other two, btw) she is very stressed and she has high blood pressure that is not currently being treated due to medicaid being temporarily suspended....anywhoo, she could go into labor any day even though she isn't due until the end of January.
Thank you for all of the personal accounts you shared of your time in the hospital. We aren't really sure what to expect especially because we are doing a private adoption.
Do you have an attorney? (That may seem silly, but I know a lot of people in my state that are doing private adoptions take advantage of the county attorney instead). If so- utilize them!
Our attorneys made a world of difference in our experience (the hospital wasn't exactly listening to our BM).