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Attachment Parenting
BFP 02/04/2011;EDD 10/14/2011;Induced due to pre-e 09/07/2011;Jack born 09/08/2011
Babywearing and Thanksgiving (sorta rant)
Is it wrong that I want to wear DS while we're at the IL's on Thursday? MIL and SIL will want to hold him I know, but I don't really want any of DH's other family holding him (they all smoke and it's just too much to make sure they all have washed hands and receiving blankets over their shirts/arms - we're talking 8-10 women). I don't even really like MIL and SIL holding him that much because they like to be in his face constantly. SIL isn't too bad, but MIL doesn't get it and she'll do it until DS starts getting angry and then she blames it on me, like "Oh, mommy must need to feed you" or something. When really, he just wants her out of his face. And the great thing is, when he does get hungry, she says, "Oh just a few more minutes!" I know she'll be busy entertaining everyone, but I feel like if I just wear DS most of the time, we can avoid so many annoyances...for DS and for me. Is that completely selfish? If MIL or SIL really want to hold him for a few minutes, obviously I'll let them, but I don't think I'm that crazy for wanting to keep things limited...especially since it's getting into cold/flu season and DS was 5 weeks early and is only 10 weeks now.
Also, MIL and I are still engaged in the battle over what to call her. So far it's been a passive-aggressive battle. All of SIL's kids call her "Gigi" and she keeps referring to herself that way. It drives me up the wall the way all the women in DH's family have to have cutesy nicknames (I thought a grandparent was something to be respected not to hide from). Anyway, anytime she calls herself Gigi to DS or in reference to DS, I rephrase it and insert "Grandma." At least it won't get really bad until DS can talk and I start flat-out telling him that we don't call grandma "Gigi." Lol. I know it's neurotic, but it's just one of those things to me...
BFP 02/04/2011;EDD 10/14/2011;Induced due to pre-e 09/07/2011;Jack born 09/08/2011
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Babywearing and Thanksgiving (sorta rant)
In that situation I would probably try to wear him too. One of the best lines I learned from having a preemie is "The Doctor said..." Honestly, just blame the doctor and flu season. Just say that you let very many people hold him because the doctor is still concerned about germs due to his prematurity and age.
Also, I can't stand the way MIL plays with DS. I didn't even know anyone's voice could go up that high. And she never wants to give him back when he is visibly hungry. But I think he is just annoyed with her and want me or DH to pick him up.
When DS was itty bitty I totally used babywearing as a way to keep him to myself. It sounds like a good plan
As far as calling MIL Gigi, I say just let him call her whatever the rest of her grandkids call her. It's not that big of a deal, and frankly it's a little passive aggressive to insert "Grandma" in. I know that when an in-law annoys you in general it makes you want to resist them all the time, but this situation isn't hurting anyone and she's the only one affected, so I think you should just let her have her way. There are plenty of other battles regarding your kids (like the whole being in his face thing) that are worth fighting.
Also, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask people to wash their hands before holding a 10-week old. I don't think we were still asking people to do so, but that's your right as his parent.
Maybe you can try to relax a bit and let the baby get cuddles with other family members while you do other things--like eat a salad without worrying about dripping salad dressing in your LO's hair.
I was never to concerned with others holding DD...and we were out a lot, including riding the Metro. And that place is a petri dish! I wore DD almost constantly. However, if someone else wanted to hold her, I was happy to hand her over. I figured that she'd let us all know when she was ready to come back to her momma.
It might be easier just to keep the communication lines open and to take advantage of there being so many people around who want to love on your baby.
On the holding issue, right now I fully agree w/ you. Smokers or not - your baby was premature and is still only 10 weeks old. I'd absolutely not feel comfortable w/ a lot of people holding DS if I were you either!
but - in time, you're probably going to need to find a way to become comfortable w/ them holding him. When he's 6 months old - it's going to be harder to keep people away!
The name - sorry, but I'm in the camp of "it's her name, it's her choice". I really find it unfair of you to try and dictate what anyone will call her. And you say you can control what DS calls her, but eventually, this means your going to be putting your son in the middle. YOU'RE going to be telling him "Call her grandma", she's going to be telling him "No, call me Gigi" and he's going to be looking back and forth at you and wondering "what am I supposed to do?".
I get that you have issues w/ them and you feel she gets her way too much, but I don't feel this is the hill to die on. It's what SHE is going to be called and she actually does get a say in that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
BFP#1 "Watermelon" born 3/2011
BFP#2 "Pumpkin" 7/14/12 ~ EDD 3/23/13 ~ Natural M/C 8/3/12 @ 7 weeks
BFP#3 "Pineapple" born 4/2013
BFP#4 "Grapefruit" EDD 3/29/16
I agree with PPs on the Gigi thing and letting it lie. More on why later...
Call MIL and ask if you can arrive a little early because you want her and SIL to have some special alone time with your DS before everyone else arrives. If you can manage this, you will be golden. In this special conversation, you're going to start by handing your son to your MIL and telling him he's going to go see his Gigi, and say it with a smile. The more you play this up, the better. Trust me on this.
Then, while she's cuddling him, you talk to her about "third-hand smoke" (https://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35318118/ns/health-addictions/t/third-hand-smoke-danger-babies-toddlers/#.TspU5WDJUt0), RSV and the flu and the effects they can have, particularly on premature babies.
Explain that you brought DS over early so she and SIL could have time to cuddle and hold him, but that you're going to be wearing him when the other family/guests arrive so that you can feel that he's safe. Take the one down position on this. If you acknowledge that she has experience with being a first-time mom, and play up your nervousness, but in a way that gets her sympathy, and ESPECIALLY if you concede on the name thing, my guess is that she will become tiger-Gigi and protect you and your son from everyone.
You want her and SIL on your side and not just for this meal. Trust me. It's worth a few concessions to keep your baby safe.
Good luck!
I personally dont mind my child being held by others/exposed to germs but both my kids were full term. If I had a preemie, I'm sure I'd be like you as well, especially when your LO is still very young.
I think what you want to do is fine. Another option is to bring a large bottle of purell with you. If someone wants to hold the baby, squirt a dab on their hands first. Keep LO wrapped in the blanket and hand baby off in the blanket. A friend of mine had a baby who was a preemie did this and it worked well. Everyone got to hold LO and she got to keep the baby away from germy hands.
I'm totally behind you about the holding thing. I won't even take my son into a home of smokers, even family (I've pissed people off before). He is pre-asthmatic, but even before I knew that I was super neurotic about it. My mom is the only one who smokes who is ever around him, and she only gets to hold/play with him because she is incredibly careful, and doesn't smoke much (2-3 a day if she is staying with us). If she is around, she at least changes shirt, washes well, etc after smoking if not actually taking a shower.
Having a preemie means you have to be extra careful. People should respect that, but feel free to pull out the doctor card anytime you need to.
I do agree with everyone else that even if you don't like the name, it is your MiL's right to whatever name she wants. It is exactly the same as if you met someone who said her name was Precious (as a random example), and you thought it was a dumb name. You wouldn't pointedly call her Jane and hope everyone else caught on, would you?
The PP who suggested the plan for getting MiL and SiL on your side is inspired! Especially because since you've been making a big deal of the name, conceding on that point will get you a long way toward a good relationship with this woman who is going to be an even bigger part of your life now that you have a kid than ever before.
Also, keeping in mind that I still think the smoking aspect is a deal breaker (don't know if your MiL smokes), as someone who lives far away from all family, you may come to find as your LO gets bigger that ANY family nearby who is willing to help out is fantastic. It would be in your best interest to do your part in having a good relationship now.
this...all of this
My son was 5 weeks early and I think he was about 10 weeks by the time we got to Christmas. I didn't avoid any family holding my baby at Christmas - I just had them wash their hands. It's natural to be protective, but I think a lot of your reaction is anti-IL rather than anti-germs...I'd say that is not a great road to be on if avoidable.
Also, it's moms that often pass germs -- bc what we touch and then touch our babies in the sling or whatever.
It really doesn't matter whether she feels anxious because of germs or ILs. If she's anxious, she's not going to be 100% the best mommy she can be. I think we can all agree that the most important thing she can do is find a way to feel as safe and relaxed as possible. It's SO hard taking your brand new baby anywhere that's not a totally known situation.
Moms can and often do pass germs, but keeping my ex-28 weeker in my Moby or Ergo and hand sanitizer in my pocket at all times kept him out of the hospital and rarely overstimulated, which can cause them to burn much-needed energy.
Third-hand smoke is a different story altogether. It's harmful to adults as well as children. I still don't let my dad hold my DS unless he's changed his shirt and washed up well. I'd be hesitant to bring my child into a small room with a lot of smokers if it didn't have good air flow.
Sometimes anxiety is misplaced. Imagining a situation compared to the reality of it are usually two different things.
OP, I agree that you should come early to let your MIL and SIL hold the baby. Wear him during the event. Don't get so anxious about having to explain why. A simple "This is what the doctor recommended" can go far.
And you don't get to pick what grandparents are called, especially if there are already other grandchildren calling her a certain name. That is super controlling, IMO.
ETA: Also, OP, you might want to work a little more on your own personal boundaries so that speaking up to your MIL isn't as emotionally involved. You don't need to sit there and stew when she gets carried away and doesn't give the baby back when he's hungry. You can calmly require her to give him to you and avoid the whole drama.
Go with your gut and wear him if you want. Just say that he's been feeling a little bit under the weather and you don't want him to get any sicker from other people. GL.
O_O
Im probably extra paranoid because of all the food allergy issues we had when DS was younger, but that sort of thing makes me so mad. I'm genuinely pissed off right now and it's not even my baby!!
When DS was a couple months old my brother let him nom on a piece of melon and I flipped out at him. He was like, "I'm just letting him taste it!" and I told him that he can barely handle my milk, and if my baby was up at 2 or 3 am with diarrhea and gas pain from that "taste" of melon I'd be calling him in the phone so he could be awake and miserable too.
You're a friggin' genius. I need to go to the "Amamsneb School of Diplomacy!"
You can play this totally diplomatically (some great suggestions were given), and still get your rights respected.
Regarding the name--you want her to use the name you picked for your son. (You want him to be called James, not Jim-Bob or Jimmy or whatever) and you need to respect the name she chose for herself. Even if it's Trixie.
Brilliant!
And I am sitting here, wide eyed and POd about the 2 month old being given chocolate cake. W.T.H.
"Sometimes anxiety is misplaced. Imagining a situation compared to the reality of it are usually two different things." (sorry, I hate the whole quotes making the post longer and longer thing
I completely agree with you here. All I was trying to point out is that some new mom anxiety is normal under any circumstance, and that baby can usually pick up on it if mom is freaking out. I think it's wise for new mamas to understand that some of the nervousness is normal and hormonal and try to act rationally, but also do what they need to in order to get through the situation i.e. wearing, escaping when necessary or avoiding events until they feel up to it (with the proviso that if you're too nervous to go out at all, you might want to check with your HCP to make sure you're not suffering from PPD/PPA).
<<<blush>>> It's hard won. My MIL is a wonderful lady, and did a fantastic job raising my son, but we have not had the smoothest relationship. At. All.
Absolutely well said.
And the GiGi thing is not something you get to decide. At ALL. So stay far away from that one.
Oh dear. I said she raised MY son. She did a great job raising HER son. SOOO tired. ::::head desk:::
I don't see an issue with wearing him at TG.
However, you're being a tad ridiculous on the Gigi thing. Grandparents get to decide what they want to be called, and frankly, you kind of need to go with what the other kids call her if you don't want to confuse your kid. My mom wanted to be Granny (even though it sounds like she's 100) but my oldest nephew couldn't pronounce it, so he calls her Nee. And it stuck and that's what all the kids call her. This is not worth a battle.
I said previously that I agree with everyone else that Gigi gets to pick her own name, but oh man I would draw the line at Mama. That is just ridiculous. Papa too if that is what the LO's dad would be called.
My mom is "Mamaw" and even at 16 months my son could differentiate the sounds between mama and mamaw. That's an important "w."
Thanks everyone. I know/knew the Gigi thing is ridiculous but it still feels like nails on a chalkboard to me...it did the first time I heard it right after I met DH. It's obviously not an issue yet anyway since DS can't talk and may come up with his own crazy name for her anyway once he can. I get fired up about it, but we'll see what happens.
Thanks for all the other suggestions. MIL is what you might call 'fragile' so we'll see how diplomatic I can be. DH hasn't even told her yet that we're not going there for Xmas because he's afraid of the emotional fallout.
Ditto, for just this year.
From,
A preemie mom.
I completely agree with all of this. I will take it one step further and say I think it is wrong to try to assign a name of your choosing, it is their name. Exceptions can certainly be made, such as in Fred's case, but the name your MIL wants should be the name she gets, especially if other people are already using it. FWIW, it may not last. My mom was supposed to be Grandma but when my 18 year old nephew started speaking, he called her Da and my dad Dapa. Those names have stuck, both of my nephews and my niece use it. My DS started calling my mom Ga for a while and now alternates between Da and Ga. Whatever, she loves having a special name and we love hearing it.
I disagree. I wore Caroline frequently at family events because she was colicky and fussy and it was soothing to her. No one once gave me a hard time about it I took her out when she was calm, but this was not often. I guess I don't see an issue with it. And with a preemie, in cold and flu, eff what people think if it keeps her baby healthy.
Wow....feel kinda bad for your inlaws!!! A child is something that brings such joy to families and for you to be so wound up about them just wanting to bond with their little grandchild is just weird to me. I know in our family our little nephew is so used to everyones company and secure around all his grandparents,great grandparents aunts, uncles, gran-aunts and gran-uncles, cousins. It is great for his confidence and he is so happy around all his relatives. He is a constant souce of joy for all of us and we love to share in his life. My sister in law has never been at all possessive of him around us. As for you already planning to flat out tell your son he is not to call his grandmother Gigi (just because you dont like it) have you thought that he might feel feel a little left out being the only grandchild calling his grandmother Grandma when he gets older. I wonder do you have the same issues with your child mixing with your side of the family or is it just with the in-laws?
That is great advice!