I need a shoulder and advice, please. — The Bump
Maine Babies

I need a shoulder and advice, please.

Hi all.  My DH gets me, but does not "get" all this stuff. Mostly because I try not to share it with him--it hits him hard.

 Today, since the holidays are approaching, I started to think of putting a little wreath around Art's Memorial garden. Isa helped me last year--she knows it is a special place. It is quiet, and she likes the tree, bench, and statues there.

  And then I realized I have EDD's--in August (DH's birthday), Sept. Nov. Feb. and March.  Throw  the 5 loss dates in there (including Dec. 23) and pretty much the whole span of months is covered. Ugh.

Do you all think it would be "bad" to have one or two EDD remembrance dates for all, and one or two loss remembrance dates for all?  10 dates like that is really exhausting, but I feel guilty even saying that. Please give me honest opinions.  Much love, Jill 

Re: I need a shoulder and advice, please.

  • Hmm.  I think that you can always have a special thought on each individual date, but only do something special on one date for rememberance of all of your lost babies.  It would be very hard to do something special, and make it truly special, 5 times every year, you know?  But one time a year I think it would be possible to make the time spent very special. 

    Maybe pick a date that is special to you, instead of picking one of the EDDs or m/c dates, just to make it seem like a rememberance of all of them, instead of picking one over the other, you know?  I hope this makes sense, and doesn't offend.  Hugs!

    image image image image image 9/07 m/c baby boy @ 18wks, 4/09 m/c @ 4.5wks
  • Really good idea.  The thoughts are always there on the dates, but doing something on each one is tough, and really affects my relationship with my family negatively.

    I love the idea of it being a remembrance date NOT connected to any actual loss/EDD. I think I am far enough "out" from my "biggest" loss (not that any is bigger than another, what I mean is my "latest" loss in terms of months gestation) that I could do that, and still deal with the inevitable thoughts and emotions that come with the actual dates.  That will free me some to not lose focus on the 2 beautiful kids I am so lucky to have.

    Thanks for the hug, too.  :)  Much love, Jill


  • I don't think it would be "bad" at all. I completely understand wanting to have 1 or 2 memorial days when you "allow" yourself time to slow down & reflect on all of it. And then the other days to go on with your life as it is now.?

    There is nothing wrong with that. Hugs to you.?

  • I think that is a great idea! And I totally get feeling guilty about all this stuff. My m/c date was a few days ago and I wanted to reflect and mourn but I kept looking at DD and I just couldn't feel anything but happy. Which I felt guilty about. Go figure.

    Then DH and I got in a fight about something dumb and bam -- I was in tears for the rest of the night, it was like my m/c just happened and I was lost in the land of lonliness. It all came rushing back to me. And DH didn't get it which was how our fight started to begin with.

    I didn't mean to hijack your post. I just know that all this stuff is tricky to sort through and I've realized there is no "right" way to do it. Go with your instincts and trust that your angel babies do feel loved and remembered, no matter when or how you do the remembering.

    Big hugs to you.?

  • I don't think that you should feel guilty at all. It is exhausting. I agree that I would pick one date and do something special that day for all of them. You probably remember all year long anyway so your babies are always close to you.
  • October 15th is national pg loss day, maybe that day would work for you?  I don't think it's wrong to only do something special once a year.  I'm sure you'll still remember each baby on their day, at least in some quiet way, & in your heart.
  • Thank you all.  Your brains are much more on than mine.  I do also like the Oct. 15th date, and did do something this year.  I will continue with the upkeep of the Memorial Garden, but that is kind of peaceful now, and not so stressful.  And when I do something on Oct. 15 (I should say we, Andy does it too), I think we will do our remembrances in the Memorial Garden.  Mario likes to sit and play on the grass, and Isa loves the statues and little bench.  So we can all do it--they know I do it anyway, and Isa is starting to ask about it--its meaning, etc. 

    Thank you guys.  And unintentionally, this is yet another reason we need a board.  I would not ask this on ANY other board.  For many other boards it would be fear provoking for OTHERS, and that is not my style.  Much love, Jill

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