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Blended Families
Worthwhile phone calls...
So DH and I have a big discussion about this yesterday and we are kind of at a loss... The ONLY time my SD ever calls us is to either A) Ask for money (BM has it in her head that we are "loaded") b) Or its her mother screaming at us...
We've tried telling her that we just want to talk to her and see how's shes doing (we only see her about a week or two a year) and just interested in her life... She doesnt get it though with the calling. We've given up with calling her (she doesnt get the messages, BM or grandparents hang up on us when we call) Its so bad - we can't even send up the Christmas gifts because BM opens them and then delivers them from herself...
What we can do to show her that we are interested in her... in her life... that we love and care for her - but that its very difficult due to the circumstances. We cannot talk about school work because she is failing, was recently expelled from her previous middle school, and in general hates school. Its so frustrating...
Stepmoms and bio moms that have advice... Please give it! Thanks in advance
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Re: Worthwhile phone calls...
First off, no matter how frustrating it is I wouldn't give up calling SD. Just in case you ever end up in court again you want to be able to prove that you put effort into contacting SD and being involved in her life, and it's the BM who is restricting that. I know how hard it is because DH's family has given up on calling SD because they never get answered, or get call backs, and part of DH would like to give up at times, but we never do. And BM eventually calls us back (probably because we've tried taking her to court twice, and she knows we'll keep trying if she tries to block a relationship with DH),
When she does call you and when you get to speak to her I'd talk to her about her friends, what she's "been up to" like a movie she's gone to see or another activity she did recently. And just try to talk about her interests, does she play sports, music, some other extra curricular activity? I do normally talk to SD about school, but she's only 6 so not really doing anything extra yet.
FInally, as for the gifts and such, I'd just give them to her when she visits you. Even if it's just 2 weeks a year, if it's 2 different visits one can be "Christmas" and one "birthday." Just say you wanted to see her open them, or you waited to buy them until she got there to make sure you know what she wants. We do SD's gifts when she is with us, so every other year we celebrate Christmas at Thanksgiving. We don't ship anything because we have no proof that she gets it, plus we keep most the gifts at our place so she has toys and clothes for when she visits. Your SD is older, so I'd let her take most or all gifts with her because she could be more responsible for them, and she sees you less.
What does your court order say about interfering with the parental/child relationship?
If there is NOTHING in the CO, then I would suggest that you spend the money and have open communications added to the decree. That you MUST be able to talk to SD 1 or 2 times a week without interference by the BM.
What that will do for you is SHOW your SD that her father will actually go the extra mile to keep a relationship going. This will allow her (maybe not now, but when she is older) to see that the truth.
Once that communication line is open, then you can start ensuring that the gifts you send are acknowledged. You can let her know exactly what you are sending to her UPS and what day to expect it. There will be little doubt in her mind that the gift you sent was actually yours.
YES, that takes away from the suprise factor, but it is better for her to think that you remembered her.
Thanks ladies - truthfully I dont know what is in the court order. Only that BM has sole legal and physical custody. We havent decided what to do about this years Christmas gifts (I'd hate to make her wait until we see her for a week in August... that would be both Xmas and birthday then) <-- if she even comes. I'll definitely be looking into the court order about communication, etc.
We tried setting up a weekly call - that we would absolutely be available at 6:30 on Mondays (she picked that day and time) and we could talk... But she doesnt call that day, nor can we get ahold of her. Only if she wants money does she call
It hurts DH so much, and it hurts me to see him hurting.
They can't file harassment charges against you if you're calling a reasonable amount (every 5 minutes mightbe excessive). Dh is her father, he has the right to call. Just make sure he leaves a short, to the point message on tgeh answering machine and she'll have no case. "Hi, it's DH just calling to speak to SD, call me when you're in." I'd also if they don't call back leave messages like" I've been trying to get a hold of you for 7 days, please call me back." Just to document how long he's been trying if she tries to file harassment on you.
Your MIL needs to learn to not get emotional on the machine though.
We record all of the messages that BM leaves us, but we really should record the messages that we leave her. Good idea! This past summer - nothing for 5 weeks... And having a record of that would have been good to have...
After 13 years of BM having sole legal and physical custody - would we have any shot in court of getting her? If we could prove (which we easily could) that it is not a stable environment?
MIL... she needs to stay out of it. Shes denied that child for the last 14 years. Why start now when she still denies her? UGH
I say go back to court and try to get the visitation order amended.
You can have provisions put in that dictate phone visitation, how often, etc as detailed as you like. For instance, father is entitled to two phone calls a week, on Wednesday between 7:30 and 8pm and on Saturday between 2 and 3pm.
You could also address the fact that BM is interfering in her daughter's ability to receive mail from her father. I'm sure you could put something in the custody agreement that would curb that.
How did she get sole legal custody anyway? And have circumstances changed where you could prove that to be no longer in SD's best interest?
Click me, click me!
Good questions Hindsight -
Mom got sole physical/legal because she was only 17 when the baby was born, out of a summer fling... Dad didnt have a good lawyer to fight the case.
Since growing up, dad (my DH) has a fantastic job, we have a great house, excellent school system, etc. and mom continues to live off of welfare and the system. I dont think living with mom was EVER in SD's best interest. BM was living with her mom at the time (due to her age) and just recently got welfare housing and found herself pregnant again (4th time... this time she decided to keep it). SD now sleeps on some mans couch so that BM can shack up with her baby daddy...
Good questions Hindsight -
Mom got sole physical/legal because she was only 17 when the baby was born, out of a summer fling... Dad didnt have a good lawyer to fight the case.
Since growing up, dad (my DH) has a fantastic job, we have a great house, excellent school system, etc. and mom continues to live off of welfare and the system. I dont think living with mom was EVER in SD's best interest. BM was living with her mom at the time (due to her age) and just recently got welfare housing and found herself pregnant again (4th time... this time she decided to keep it). SD now sleeps on some mans couch so that BM can shack up with her baby daddy...
Would we be aGood questions Hindsight -
Mom got sole physical/legal because she was only 17 when the baby was born, out of a summer fling... Dad didnt have a good lawyer to fight the case.
Since growing up, dad (my DH) has a fantastic job, we have a great house, excellent school system, etc. and mom continues to live off of welfare and the system. I dont think living with mom was EVER in SD's best interest. BM was living with her mom at the time (due to her age) and just recently got welfare housing and found herself pregnant again (4th time... this time she decided to keep it). SD now sleeps on some mans couch so that BM can shack up with her baby daddy...
Would we be able toGood questions Hindsight -
Mom got sole physical/legal because she was only 17 when the baby was born, out of a summer fling... Dad didnt have a good lawyer to fight the case.
Since growing up, dad (my DH) has a fantastic job, we have a great house, excellent school system, etc. and mom continues to live off of welfare and the system. I dont think living with mom was EVER in SD's best interest. BM was living with her mom at the time (due to her age) and just recently got welfare housing and found herself pregnant again (4th time... this time she decided to keep it). SD now sleeps on some mans couch so that BM can shack up with her baby daddy...
Would we be able to get the CO ammended sGood questions Hindsight -
Mom got sole physical/legal because she was only 17 when the baby was born, out of a summer fling... Dad didnt have a good lawyer to fight the case.
Since growing up, dad (my DH) has a fantastic job, we have a great house, excellent school system, etc. and mom continues to live off of welfare and the system. I dont think living with mom was EVER in SD's best interest. BM was living with her mom at the time (due to her age) and just recently got welfare housing and found herself pregnant again (4th time... this time she decided to keep it). SD now sleeps on some mans couch so that BM can shack up with her baby daddy...
Would we be able to get the CO ammended since my SD is almostGood questions Hindsight -
Mom got sole physical/legal because she was only 17 when the baby was born, out of a summer fling... Dad didnt have a good lawyer to fight the case.
Since growing up, dad (my DH) has a fantastic job, we have a great house, excellent school system, etc. and mom continues to live off of welfare and the system. I dont think living with mom was EVER in SD's best interest. BM was living with her mom at the time (due to her age) and just recently got welfare housing and found herself pregnant again (4th time... this time she decided to keep it). SD now sleeps on some mans couch so that BM can shack up with her baby daddy...
Would we be able to get the COMom got sole physical/legal because she was only 17 when the baby was born, out of a summer fling... Dad didnt have a good lawyer to fight the case.
Since growing up, dad (my DH) has a fantastic job, we have a great house, excellent school system, etc. and mom continues to live off of welfare and the system. I dont think living with mom was EVER in SD's best interest. BM was living with her mom at the time (due to her age) and just recently got welfare housing and found herself pregnant again (4th time... this time she decided to keep it). SD now sleeps on some mans couch so that BM can shack up with her baby daddy...
Would we be able to get the CO ammended since my SD is almost 14? We both figured that now she could decide. A few years back she asked to live with us - we said "yes" - and mom threatened her... So it kind of was a scare tactic to keep her. She claimed that SD is her "only income" therefore will not allow her to live with us and lose the support.WOW - I don't know what happened to my computer... Sorry for all of the multiple posts!!!
Ok, I realize this is going to sound a little judgemental, but let's just give it a shot. Your DH had a fling 14 years ago and his SD was the product of such. He didn't get a good lawyer, and so BM got sole custody, and obviously is still bitter. He hasn't made much effort beyond a week or two per year being a father, and even gave up on calling her, because it's just too hard...and now you want her to live with you?
WTF?
This child is failing out of middle school - possibly because from the sound of it she has an unstable mother and a father who has NEVER BEEN THERE.
Either be serious and go all the way with this kid, or give it up, and deal with the phone calls only when she wants money. First of all, your DH needs to start making contact with his daughter, whether it's phone, email, snail mail, whatever. Second, your DH needs to go back to court and get the order, whatever it is, reworked. He then needs to follow through, even when it's inconvenient.
SD is 13. It's a difficult age anyway, but it's very possible that she's not interested in dealing with him at this point. I've got a 14 year old with a dad who did pretty much the same thing and she's got a HELL of a lot of anger at her BD, so don't go on about your DH's hurt feelings when she only calls for money. He's an adult. He made the choice to put penis in vagina and make a baby - from that point on he should have been man enough to be a father to that child.
Period.
Not sure what to say about the Christmas gifts, but as far as communication goes, how about email? Or create a myspace or facebook account (if she's a teen, she's bound to have one or the other) and keep in touch that way. If you do that, you'll learn all about her friends and such just by periodically checking her page.
Oh, and how about this for Christmas. Once you've established electronic communication, ask her what she wants, order it online, and have it delivered to her. Tell her when you purchase it that it's coming in the mail. At least that way if birth mom tries to play it off like it's from her, the daughter will know and begin to figure out that not everything is as it seems...
I think you should ask for more time with her. She's not going to be able to converse well with two people she sees two weeks a year.
Her situation sounds sh*tty. I hope your DH can do something about that.
I appreciate your input ladies. First - PlannedChaos, I understand what you mean about the daughter and that my DH should have stepped up. Im not going to disagree that. Facebook and MySpace - she had those and put that she was 18 and started meeting MEN (not boys) off of there. So we put an end to that... Snail mail, used to and mom takes the things and she never gets them. Phone calls, as I said - we get hung up on as soon as they see us on the caller ID. Sounds like excuses but what else to do?
As far as wanting her to live with us. I'd be afraid for me - sure. Where she lives now is the only place that she has ever known. My DH used to get her for the entire summers, then she got really rebellious (stealing, abuse, sleeping around) and he couldnt handle her alone. So it went down to two weeks, which she ended up not coming down for this year.
Its a crappy situation all around. Do I think that eventually she will see what whack job her mom is and want to live with us - absolutely... BUT - will it be to late at that point?
Again, I appreciate your input and suggestions. Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post.
Sleeping around at 13?? Please tell me I'm wrong about how old this child is.
Your H needs to get in there, get visitation, custody or whatever. Take that child kicking and screaming if you have to, before a judge and get permission to take her to a counselor since he doesn't have legal custody.
I'm horrified and appalled that this child is spiraling out of control, maybe because of abuse and/or neglect and all your husband seems to care about is his hurt feelings.
Can't handle her my ass. What did he do to try, just send her back to her mama so she could continue acting out and seeking a man's affection any way she can get it??
I'm sick, physically sick thinking of the hell this child is going through right now because her parents are such selfish little pinheads butthurt over things that happened while they were still teenagers.
Click me, click me!
No, you're right about her age... And since BM has custody - she had to agree to a counselor, which as Im sure you would guess, she didnt. DH tried to get her into counseling and wasnt allowed. She went back to MA and we contacted the school. They then suggested counseling to BM and again said no.
So thats a question then - can we literally go to court and force her to live with us? How can we "prove" that shes sleeping around other than getting a gyno to come in and say she isnt a virgin, interview guys, etc. Yes, it is sickening thank you. I know. If the courts wouldnt force her to live here - could they at least force her into counseling. Not sure what else to do here.
We live a million miles away (okay 2000 close enough) so its not easy to do things from a distance when a BM is making it so difficult. The child does not want to come visit us - we have rules - she doesnt like them. What else can/should/needs to be done in this situation.
Get a lawyer. Seriously. Call up some and schedule an appointment for a free consultation.
If the CO says he gets her for a month, he gets her for a month. It's a violation of the CO and possibly contempt of court if her mother does not provide her.
In this situation, I wouldn't hesitate to call child services. The child clearly has issues and mom is clearing giving her no help, no guidance. Child services is your best help, I think, of getting an objective opinion as to what is going on in this child's life. And believe me, I don't suggest calling them lightly. But in this case, I would do it. Tell them you think she is being abused, and she is!! She is well below the legal age of consent in any state I think. So technically, whomever she's sleeping with, especially if they are adults she is meeting on myspace, is abusing her.
Start researching, start looking up the laws in the state where she lives.
YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING for this child or you guys are going to lose her forever. And I don't mean she won't want to visit. I mean she'll end up dead or missing, abused, beaten or OD'd. I hate to be so harsh but it's the truth. She's young enough now that with the proper intervention, she could grow up healthy, smart and accomplished. Or she could grow up knocked up with a petri dish of STD's living in a trailer cooking meth with her coked up boyfriend.
Click me, click me!
I appreciate your suggestions and I will look into calls CPS. I hope that I can do it anonymously! But no, it isnt a situation to be taken lightly. And proper intervention could save her or at least make her aware of her situation.
You mentioned searching and looking up laws in her state. What kind of things could I look up that would strengthen the call to CPS or when we contact a lawyer. Im an internet guru but when it comes to this stuff - lost on what to look for.
Thank you very much for your help.
You don't need anything to bolster a CPS claim. You call them anonymously. Tell them you think she's being abused and that's all she wrote. They'll show up and investigate.
For the lawyer, look up things like "custody" "visitation" "modifying custody order" etc. The lawyer will tell you exactly what you need to collect for your case so don't worry about that.
Look for a lawyer who handles family law, particularly child custody and visitation. And one who does free consultation. However, you will probably need a lawyer in the state where your SD lives or where the original case was heard.
Click me, click me!
Good tips - thank you. I would like to have our CO modified so I'll start there. And yes, I think that I need a lawyer in their state or one that practices in both?
How did you become so knowledgeable in these things? I feel so lost in it all...