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Frustrated with friends who don't "get" my fear

8daysaweek8daysaweek member
in Pregnant after a Loss

I have a few close friends who know about our new pregnancy, including a couple who are pregnant. But they just don't seem to understand how scary this all is for us and I'm starting to get frustrated.

I know they think they are being helpful but sometimes it's frustrating when they act like I'm silly for being nervous still because we didn't see the heartbeat at our u/s Monday. I just want to scream "This isn't some stupid, irrational fear. I lost my last baby. It does happen."

I know they love me and just want me to be excited and happy and for everything to work out for us but sometimes it makes me feel alienated from them. I'm thrilled that they have had healthy first pregnancies and don't know what it's like to have a loss but sometimes it makes me feel more alone or something, if that makes sense. 

Anyone else have trouble relating to people who don't understand?

DD Lea 04/21/10
DS Nathan 12/4/12
BFP: 3/31/15 EDD: 12/4/15


MC: 7/2011, 12/2011
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Re: Frustrated with friends who don't "get" my fear

  • Heather91705Heather91705
    I am right there with you.  I have a friend pregnant with her 3rd and she doesn't get it either!  The cautious optimism we have this pregnance will give us a baby is something she can't understand and wants to go to BRU and motherhood like every weekend.  It irritates me she doesn't get it that I can't buy not 1 thing for this baby and how all I want is a breathing/healthy baby at the end of all this, the frills just don't matter to me.  *sigh*  Hopefully they will get it soon enough...I have just kept my distance a bit and hope that lets it sink in a bit.
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  • pottermommypottermommy member

    I think we all understand this.  It is difficult for someone who has never experienced this kind of loss to understand your fear and sorrow.  On the same hand it is even harder for us to look at them who are in complete bliss and undertand how they can NOT be scared and worried or even elated at the smallest of milestones.

    It all comes down to experience, I can tell you that your fears are not unfounded you are a completely normal, coping PGAL mama and you are living day by day just like all of us and you are amazing for it. 

    I can also tell you the with Kamryn I was blissfully unaware and it was the happiest time of my life!! Where as now I am a nervous wreck, still undeniably extatic but terrified and confused at the same time.

    Then we add in that she passed at 2 and I am not sure I will lose the fear once Gabriel is here.  I know I will have him in my arms but she was there too and was suddenly gone.  For me just having him here doesn't end the scary part. 

    We all understand each other here so well because we have all lost the most amazing gift we ever could have been given and even though we all have fears and sorrow that the others of us don't have it is a lot easier to see and know the fear if you have had it yourself.

    So don't feel bad for feeling alienated IRL we all are, but we are all also a part of an amazing group of ladies that do "get it" and that is worth everything too!! So just know that you aren't all alone, you can come here anytime and if they do make you feel bad about your fears,

    Well there is nothing at all wrong with telling them that you aren't crazy, you are a worried mama and that is normal!!

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  • TnG05TnG05
    Not friends since I've only told two and they get it but honestly sometimes I don't think my hubby "gets it".  His thinking is we can't do anything about what happens or doesn't so we should just enjoy it while we can...which is true and I know that but come on dude.   Sorry you're feeling like this (HUGS)
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  • TnG05TnG05
    imagepottermommy:

    I think we all understand this.  It is difficult for someone who has never experienced this kind of loss to understand your fear and sorrow.  On the same hand it is even harder for us to look at them who are in complete bliss and undertand how they can NOT be scared and worried or even elated at the smallest of milestones.

    It all comes down to experience, I can tell you that your fears are not unfounded you are a completely normal, coping PGAL mama and you are living day by day just like all of us and you are amazing for it. 

    I can also tell you the with Kamryn I was blissfully unaware and it was the happiest time of my life!! Where as now I am a nervous wreck, still undeniably extatic but terrified and confused at the same time.

    Then we add in that she passed at 2 and I am not sure I will lose the fear once Gabriel is here.  I know I will have him in my arms but she was there too and was suddenly gone.  For me just having him here doesn't end the scary part. 

    We all understand each other here so well because we have all lost the most amazing gift we ever could have been given and even though we all have fears and sorrow that the others of us don't have it is a lot easier to see and know the fear if you have had it yourself.

    So don't feel bad for feeling alienated IRL we all are, but we are all also a part of an amazing group of ladies that do "get it" and that is worth everything too!! So just know that you aren't all alone, you can come here anytime and if they do make you feel bad about your fears,

    Well there is nothing at all wrong with telling them that you aren't crazy, you are a worried mama and that is normal!!

     Thanks for posting this.
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  • badtzmaru22badtzmaru22
    We all are here for you. I have some friends who also think my fears should be completely gone because I've passed the point of my loss, and things are going well so far. They are just never going to get it, and I can't blame them for it, but I also need to take care of myself and do what I need to do to keep myself sane, and sometimes that means not sharing things with them, and talking about it here instead.
    dx: PCOS
    Clomid + Met = BFP#1 12/27/10, missed MC discovered 2/9/11, d&c 2/11/11, 10w3d
    Natural cycle (just Met) = BFP#2 6/3/11, Baby A arrived 2/16/12
    <a href="http://s1091.photobucket.com/albums/i390/tlneff0108/?action=view
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  • LottaLattesLottaLattes member
    Honestly, I just don't even bother to try.  I know before I had a m/c, I was sympathetic, but really didn't get it either.  I hate being on this side of the fence, but I'd rather just spend my effort being paranoid with people who actually understand me.  I'm sorry your friends aren't able to empathize better, once you all have your babies in your arms you'll find new things to bond over and reconnect *HUGS*
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  • unstuck6jbunstuck6jb member
    I know how you feel...even my own family can't stand to hear me worry.  They just say, "it's not going to happen again, everything is fine." and want to leave it at that!  It's like they can't stand to even think of it let alone talk about it, but yet, they expect me to just deal with the fears on my own I guess.  It's hard sometimes.  I guess that's why I'm on here all the time...you ladies are the only ones that really get it!  Sorry you are going through this with your friends...and hopefully we will reach a point where we can relax and be as happy as people expect us to be!
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