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Attachment Parenting
old_time_girl
member
Recent post made me wonder...
old_time_girl
member
On a previous post, a lady was talking about not calling her LOs grandmother by their chosen name Gigi. And most, if not all of you were against her trying to change it.
So, in our situation, DH's Step Mom is trying to call herself "Grandma M" (M standing for last name) Well, DH's mom and LO 'true' Grandma is Grandma M because she didn't change her name after they got divorced so her last name would be the same as her 3 boys.
I'm worried about LO getting confused when he gets cards and books signed Grandpa and Grandma M or just, Grandma M.
I don't think it's really fair of her ot try to refer to herself as that when they know perfectly well, that H's Mom and Grandma M.
Also, H's Grandparents on his Fathers side got divorced and they always called the SOs by their first name. So it was always, Grandpa and Shelby, And Grandma and George. So I would think that H's Dad should be understanding of this situation and not let his new wife be called that....
Am I making sense? WWYD?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Recent post made me wonder...
How insistent is she? If you talked to her about it, was she adamant that she be called Grandma M? If you haven't talked to her, could you say "Oh, we call his other Grandma "Grandma M," do you mind if we call you Grandma FirstName or Nana/Mimi/Gigi M?"
If she really insists I would just let it go. Your LO is nowhere near talking yet- so you really have no idea what he will end up calling them. Even if there are two Grandma Ms, I'm sure LO will manage to figure it out. IMO it's not worth an argument, especially now.
This is a HUGE issue for our family, as DH and I have serious issues with the people our parents have chosen to force into our lives. Our rule is that only blood grandparents get names. The secondary spouses are just referred to by their first names. We each individually told our parents our decision in one-on-one conversations during pregnancy. Thankfully, they've all decided to respect our wishes, but we would have no problem privately reiterating our decision on this matter if needed. It's not the most comfortable conversation to have, but for us, it was very important that they understand how we are going to define "family" for our children.
Jacob and Melissa | Sept. 3, 2007 | Riviera Maya, Mexico
My Knot Bio | My Nest Bio
I'm with mel.
I really don't think this ever actually requires a big State of the Grandparent Naming meeting. Kids figure out things from the context, just like adults do. I wish my family had the problem of too many grandparents! Mine were half dead before I was ever born, so there was no ambiguity because there was only one grandma and one grandpa all together.
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This. But I do find the attitude kind of annoying - like she is using the child as an unknowing pawn in some machiavelic evil step-mother territorial battle or something... lol sorry, I'm a writer, give me an inch and I'll drive a mile...
In practical terms, though, it is quite harmless, isn't it? Especially for the kid. And even if there is a childish hidden agenda (huahahaha *rubs hands mischievously*) the less of a stink people make about it, the more likely it is to be dropped after a while. So I wouldn't worry about it anyway.
Again, sorry. Good luck.
DS calls both of his Grandmas Grandma. And he sees them both frequently, and together. I haven't found a way to address it because they both just want to be Grandma.
I figure if he gets stuff in the mail I can tell by the return address who sent it and which Grandma it's from.
It helps though that I don't have a FIL so we have Grandma and Papa and Grandma. I think that distinction helps when I say we're going to their house. He seems to know who we're talking about.
Are there cousins on either side? I think it's nice to go with what the cousin's call them because otherwise it makes more confusion.
I also find it really formal and stilted to call someone Grandma Smith or whatever. Last names used like that just give me the heebie jeebies. So I think it's weird that they would be fighting over this horrible name. (I realize this is my personal issue! But the grandparents I saw 3 times in my life? Yeah, Grandma and Grandpa LastName. Uptight icky people)
My SS called my MIL Grandma Firstname or just grandma. But even Grandma Firstname seems formal to me. So she became Nana (yeah, I realize that contradicts my first sentence, but there's a 12yr gap between SS and the other grandkids, so by the time they could talk he was 14 and didn't really care - he still calls her grandma, but refers to her as Nana in front of the littles.)
My mom wanted to be called Grandmommy, which is what I called her mom, but DD just said it as Mimi and it stuck. So that's another non-offensive way that a name can get changed.
I don't have a problem calling steps "grandma". Actually I think it's pretty offensive to call them by their first name if they are acting like a grandparent. Who wouldn't want more grandparents? Grandpa's girlfriend is a FirstName. But if they ever got married she'd be a grandma.
My mom's mom was married five times (I only knew the first, my grandfather, and the last), and she and her husband were known as Oma (grandmother in German) and Louis.
My dad is on his fifth wife, and I would prefer that my daughter call her by her first name. She can refer to herself however she likes in front of my daughter, but I'm not playing along. It's a bit of a sensitive issue for me (long story short - my dad cheated on my ex-stepmom, who was like a second mother to me, divorced her, and married her cousin a few years later...no one seems to want to talk about how weird this is or even acknowledge it). I realize that this is MY issue with my dad, and I would not discourage my daughter from having a relationship with his wife, but the name thing just irks me at a gut level. The mean voice in my head just wants to say "thanks, but she has two grandmothers, and you're not one of them."
If my dad had been married to this woman when I was a kid, and she had some hand in raising me, then yes, she gets a title. But I only feel that way because there is personal baggage involved, haha.
This. Plus, the kid might come up with his or her own nickname for said grandparent and goodluck changing that once it sticks.
I'd just ask that they both go by first names, so mom can be Grandma Debbie while stepmom can be Grandma Linda (or whatever :-) ).
If going by Grandma Smith is important to mom, I think it's only fair that the blood relation get first dibs (stepmom will presumably have her own blood related grandkids at some point where SHE will get first pick). If that's the case, let mom be Grandma Smith and have a talk with Dad and stepmom about how to avoid confusing the kid you'd really like it if they went by first names -- Grandpa Bill and Grandma Linda.
I totally agree with others that it's great that stepmom wants to be considered a grandma and have a special name. Don't discourage that! Another way to go is to let everyone pick a special name -- Mimi, Gigi, Nana, etc.
I think the trouble is that I don't think she's earned the title. DH and his brothers never liked her. When they played sports in school SM and Dad would only go to the games when they were playing against the school district they were living in and rooting for that team, not the team the boys were playing on.
They only live 5 miles away and they came to see DS at the hospital and once when he was 1 month old when we happend to be at the same family get together.
Since then, FIL has come to our house to see DS but she has not.
She does not have kids (never wanted them) so she's not a grandma to anyone else.
Around here grandparents are always "Grandma Last Name" Or maybe it's just DHs family, but that's what they go by.
I truly just think she's doing it to spite DHs mom. And that really irks me. Even though MIL and I don't have a great relationship, She's DSs Grandma, she watches him once a week and visits when she can.
Like a PP said, it's not going to be a problem if he makes up his own nick-names for them. But when they sign his books and stuff, I want him to know the difference of who it's from.
Both my parents have significant others - my dad's has been with him for over a decade, mom's for just a year before DS1 was born. Both are referred to as Grandpa and first name and Grandma and first name. Especially my mom's dude - I met him when I was like 30 - um, you aren't my step-dad and you certainly are NOT my kid's grandparent. Thankfully everyone involved has gone with this on their own and I didn't need to enforce anything (that would be pretty freakin' awkward, I would think).
I have 2 parents, they are my kids' grandparents. I still have issues w/ my step-cousins who aren't related by blood referring to their kids as MY grandma's "first great-grandchildren". Um, no - your kids are not related to her, sorry. MY kid is her first great-grandchild. Am I lame? I don't know - divorces really eff thigns up for you for the rest of your life, kwim? SO sick of dealing! haha.