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Upstate NY Babies
Those with older siblings
A question for you. Now, as I wrote in my post below, my younger brother and my sister both have issues. One recurring theme I have heard from both of them is how hard it was always being compared to their older sibling. Apparantly they always had teachers saying "oh, your Telyco's little sister" etc. And this was a cause of a lot of problems for them, not living up to the standard that I set. I never gave my parents issues - I never was grounded or anything.
But ok - I was on honor/high honor without working super hard...I was in sports and chorus (hehe) but never was the star or anything...my name wasn't in the paper and I was never super popular or anything. I flew under the radar. So IMO, they didn't have it so bad. So I just roll my eyes and think they are placing blame on anything but themselves. But I'm the oldest and I'm skeptical of a lot of things...and who am I to decide what bothers kids and what shouldn't??
So I have been doing some reflecting today (obviously) and am wondering what other people have gone through with older siblings. If this is a source of pain for people I wonder how I can help Leah and any possible younger sibling from feeling this way.
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Re: Those with older siblings
Sorry, I am no help!
I am the oldest but I definitely know what you are talking about. I'm a lot like you, hard worker, good student, responsible I went to college and grad school. My sister, I believe, had an undiagnosed learning disability, didn't like school at all, and dropped out at 16. She has been living at home on and off ever since. Sometimes my parents or other family members make comments about how different we are and it makes me feel really bad that they compare us. Do I think she blames me? No. We are just 2 completely different personalities.
With my girls I already find myself comparing them and I'm really trying to make a conscious effort not to do that. Each individual person is different and in control of the choices they make. Just b/c their older sibling was a certain way doesn't mean they will be even close to that.
I am the middle of three girls. My older sister was an honor student, book smart, advance classes, all-state cello player and a national competitor in long distance running and cross country skiing. I was also an honor student, but not the book smart type, I flew so far under the radar that I rarely showed up to classes unless there was a test or big project due and no one ever noticed, or at least never said anything because I always got the highest grades in the non-advanced classes. I was an all-county piccolo player, never got in trouble, and a cheerleader in a small town where EVERYONE went to the football games because it was the only thing to do on a Friday night in a 25 mile radius, so it made me pretty well known around town and in school. But neither my or my older sister were ever very social or popular. I never heard any comparisons at school, but definitely did at home. My mom thought I should run and ski like my sister instead of cheering for whatever crazy reason, I was always discourage from doing anything different than my older sister. She even gave me no support to go to any other college for any other major than the one my sister was going to, I did get a full scholarship but dropped out the first week, a story for a different post. And yes, I have a lot of issues with my mother.
Then along comes my younger sister. B and C student, always trying to be more social, though in a small rural town, sometimes your last name stands in the way of things. Not interested in athletics or music like my sister and I. She did complain that teachers would often refer to me in her classes and that people in general would just assume she was in the band or in sports. But she also confessed that she got away with stuff for a while because of the ground work my sister and I set, but by her senior year she wasn't getting away with crap anymore. Our mother had completely different standard for her though, always did and still does. She is encouraged to do what ever she wants and can do no wrong.
I actually had a more difficult time following in my mother's trail. Several of my teachers over the years were her classmates. My mom has/had a severe cleft lip and palate so she spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals, in turn she was never a good student, or into sports, or music. But somehow she had some rather powerful friends in school and they didn't seem to get along with many people. I don't know a lot about it, but she always said how much she hated certain teachers calling them names that the Nest would beep out if I typed them. It made it very awkward for me, and my sisters I am sure.
I have 2 brothers, 5 and 7 years older than me. I think because of the age difference, and because I am a girl, I was never reallly compared to them by my parents, at least not to my face. I was also a completely separate beast, too - social, played sports, was in Drama Club, Class Council, etc, but bookish and in honors classes - many things that my brothers never did.
My oldest brother went to an all-boys Catholic School, while my other brother and I went to our public HS. It was a pretty big school, so I very rarely had some of the same teachers that my brother did. Also, my brother struggled at times academically, so if anything, I may have been seen as the complete opposite in that area by our teachers.
My parents always had a set of expectations for us, and was the same for all of us - work your hardest, be respectful to others, be true to yourself. They got down on us if we weren't doing those things, not because we weren't doing what another sibling did, and I think that is the message I want to pass along to Ian, and whatever children me may have in the future.