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Single mother of a 6 month old... going through custody battle with a BD that lives in another provi

kaitie17kaitie17
in Single Parents
My daughter will be 6 months old at the end of this month. I had lived with her father in PEI until she was 2 and a half months old. At that time I left him, taking the baby and moving back home to NS (I had only lived in PEI to be with him as he was from there). I left him because he was/is abusive and I feared for the safety of my daughter and myself. We are going through the court process but...it sucks. So do legal aid lawyers...or at least the one I ended up with. I told her about the abuse, I even gave her proof of it and yet she tells me over and over that it has nothing to do with the issue of custody. She knows that this man held a knife to his sisters throat when he was 16 and she was 6... and yet this is seen as irrelivant... She knows that he has unresolved mental health issues...and it is irrelevant! Is it just me or does this seem bizzare?! My daughter goes with her father to PEI from Friday night until Tuesday night every second weekend... I feel that this is simply wayyy to long for her to be away from me. Especially given the fact that I have been her primary caregiver from day one. She has never been without me until all this custody jazz.... I am at my wits end to protect my daughter from this monster and I feel like no one will help me. When I left him I had even called CPS and they never looked into anything. I have repeatedly told my lawyer how I feel and what I think... the things that I want her to bring to the attention of the judge and she just does her own thing. Advice anyone?
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Re: Single mother of a 6 month old... going through custody battle with a BD that lives in another provi

  • MsJosieMsJosie
    I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't really have advise I just want to let you know that I'm going through almost the exact same thing except that my daughter does not see that monster without me there at all times. He is never with her alone. He has filed for custody of her and yet has only seen her a hand full of times since she's been born (his choosing, not mine). I'm going nuts thinking about all of this too and I have expressed everything to my lawyer about his drug use and abuse towards me. He even offered me 25k to have an abortion. And all she keeps telling me is that he is her father and they have a right to know eachother and he will get visitation! I'm going for supervised visitation!!! It makes me sick to my stomach.. Good luck and be strong for your LO!!!
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  • Lnande2Lnande2
    I am going through a very similar situation with my DS. His father, my ex bf, is physically and verbally abusive and my attorney thinks that it won't affect the visitation. I just don't understand this. How are we supposed to be advocates for our children and protect them if the legal system won't take our concerns into consideration? My court hearing is on Monday and I'm a nervous wreck. I'm praying for the best and wish you two the best as well.
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  • PrettyInPearls23PrettyInPearls23 member
    Do you have a court order saying your DD has to go with him every other Fri-Tues? That's FAR too long for a 6 month old to be away from her primary caregiver, especially one that has a history of abuse and mental illness.

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  • BostonGayGalBostonGayGal member

    The whole situation stinks. You might consider keeping a record. Check your child for marks and bruises BEFORE each visit, date the entry. Then check your child for marks and bruises AFTER each visit. If there are any marks, take a photo then ask your ex how they happened. NOTE THE EXPLANATION. Keep the log. (Clearly, kids injure themselves often. A bruise proves nothing, but a pattern might show abuse.)

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    The court can not fix the problem you created by having a child with a horrible person. The court can not make him less horrible. You had sex with an unstable abusive man, got pregnant with his child, but now want the court to protect your child from him. But he has equal parental rights until there is evidence that restrictions are appropriate.

    I don't know what any given court or judge might be thinking, but I will say this:

    The court (probably) can not restrict visitation without substantive evidence that the father is unsafe to children. Why?

    1) Because many parents falsely accuse the other parent to get the a favorable custody result. If a judge could determine custody and visitation on the accusations of the parents alone, there would be a lot of kids without any parents. This protects BOTH PARENTS from baseless accusations. 

    2) Many men are abusive to women but do not abuse their own children. It's true, and the issue is how he will treat the child.

    3) Evidence of abuse (probably) needs to be fairly recent. Stale evidence of what a person did a while back (when they were less mature etc.) is not compelling. Questions of parental fitness relate to CURRENT fitness.

     



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  • kaitie17kaitie17
    Yes, unfortunately there is a temporary order in place saying he gets her for long weekends every second weekend. I too think it is far too long. I worry the entire time she is with him, as he is so unpredictable and his behaviour is so...crazy (for lack of a better word. I absolutely fear for her safety, as well as my own and it is as if all of this is totally irrelevant to my lawyer or the judge. They just keep pressing the matter of maximum access. I understand that, but at the cost of her safety?! Maximum access to two normal sane parents...that makes sense, but not this.
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