disagreeing with DH about discipline

njbride0603 · November 2011

how do you handle this? Some of the things that are important to my DH I feel like are a little ridiculous and sometimes you need to pick and choose your battles with them. For example, last week I picked up DD from daycare and she had not taken a nap which is unusual. The fell asleep on the way home and was a hot mess when I woke her to come in from the car. She wanted some milk and didn't say please. my DH totally screamed at her which just made it even worse. Obviously I want her to be polite but she was just really over tired and cranky. Later on I told him that I thought he could have let it go considering the situation but he didn't think so.

kmhunt11 · November 2011

I've been dealing with DH on exactly this same thing. He got into a battle with her over which socks to wear when were were trying to go out. I hate to undermine him, but it doesn't matter what socks she wears as long as she's wearing socks! Then he argued with her again about where to brush her teeth. It doesn't matter where as long as she's doing it! I tried waiting til she wasn't around and he wasn't frustrated to tell him that I've been trying really hard to talk to her in a calm voice, give her choices when I can, be patient, and make crystal clear that even when I don't like her choices it's the behavior I don't like, not the kid. I also told him that when studying to be a teacher I learned that when dealing with difficult children it is extremely important for the child to hear at least 2 positive things for every negative or redirection. I said it occurred to me one day how awful it must feel for DD to go to bed on a day when she's been difficult thinking that Mommy is mad at her, or Mommy doesn't like her. I try to let all that guide me, and thought that maybe telling him what I do would give him ideas about what he can do.

Granted, DD is thoroughly unmanageable and frustrating right now and I'm at my wits end. Nothing I do seems to work, so as sound as I think my logic is, maybe I have it all wrong

KathrynMD · November 2011

I give DH some kind of materials that back up my position and lays out the developmental expectations for kids her age. I have an AAP Child Development book that has lots of basic information, plus advice for parents. It doesn't necessarily change what his internal gut reaction is to something, but seeing what the "experts" recommend helps him and doesn't make me a nag or an expert.

Court0026 · November 2011

I can definitely relate to this post. DH seems to take my lead on discipline and how I react to things and then not necessarily apply it correctly. It is so frustrating. I am home all day and sometimes by the time he gets home and I am trying to make dinner and entertain them, I am a little frustrated. He tends to just join in and be already at the frustration level I am at. I think he is trying to show support, but it is annoying. Last week I started putting DD in time out and now he wants to use it for everything. Um, no. That isn't ever effective and she is 1.5. I think he is trying to figure things out, but it is really hard to give him advice without seeming like the naggy wife. Blah!

kmhunt11 · November 2011

Court0026:
I can definitely relate to this post. DH seems to take my lead on discipline and how I react to things and then not necessarily apply it correctly. It is so frustrating. I am home all day and sometimes by the time he gets home and I am trying to make dinner and entertain them, I am a little frustrated. He tends to just join in and be already at the frustration level I am at. I think he is trying to show support, but it is annoying. Last week I started putting DD in time out and now he wants to use it for everything. Um, no. That isn't ever effective and she is 1.5. I think he is trying to figure things out, but it is really hard to give him advice without seeming like the naggy wife. Blah!

OMG Exactly! DH comes home and if I'm frustrated assumes he should be too. What DD needs from him is some fresh patience!

Wally3 · November 2011

From talking with my friends I think DH's in general have the great ideas about how wonderful and well behaved and polite the children should me and mom's try idea is to avoid a battle and if it is not going to hurt the child we usually let it go. Also, mom's seem to recongnize tired/ hungry quicker and lower expectations.

KathrynMD · November 2011

Wally3:
From talking with my friends I think DH's in general have the great ideas about how wonderful and well behaved and polite the children should me and mom's try idea is to avoid a battle and if it is not going to hurt the child we usually let it go. Also, mom's seem to recongnize tired/ hungry quicker and lower expectations.

ITA

JillAly · November 2011

You need to work this out now before baby #2 arrives. I found it so much harder with 2 when you're not on the same page.

DH was undermining me a lot. I would say no cartoons if ds was bad. I'd find dh and ds in front of the tv watching cartoons. It made me look like I had no authority and ds wouldn't listen to me.

DH and I had a long talk and we decided that if one parent set punishment- that was it- even if the other thought it was wrong, we had to be a united front. It's hard biting my teeth sometimes when I see something I disagree with (he lets the kids eat in bed for ex) but we don't contradict each other unless it's a safety issue. Now when ds goes to dh to see if he can get something that I said no to, dh says "what did mommy say?". It has helped quite a bit.

There are still many things we disagree about - spanking is one. I make dh walk away and cool down before he would even consider spanking. The 2 times he calmed down, he decided that taking something away (his train) for the night was sufficient.

I also found that doing a reward chart to emphasize the good rather than punish the bad seems to work more with my ds. I think it also helped dh handle his frustration because there are set rules to get a star (get yourself dressed, put your sippy in the fridge, etc.). If ds does the things, he gets the star, if not, no star.

I agree about moms being more in tune about the cranky hungry tired thing! That happens daily at my house!

jen5-03 · November 2011

Did he at least see the irony in trying to teach manners by yelling Please and thank you are important to me but tone of voice is a lot more important IMO. I'm likely to overlook a missing please if it was asked in a nice voice. And I agree that at some point just getting tired/cranky taken care of without a tantrum trups everything.

SarahTx5701 · November 2011

regarding those of you who said you should expect dh to have some fresh patience with your lo's. I just have to add my two cents.

my dh is deployed and I live with mom. I work 3 days a week and I have to say when I come home from work the LAST thing I want to deal with is screaming kids.. Its SO hard to find my patience with them when all I wait for all day is to come home and see them and play and I'm greeted with cranky, screaming kids. It SUCKS to come home and go straight into discipline mode.

just a new perspective. I used to think the same exact way when I was a sahm mom.

I find I have so much more patience on my days home with the kids then if I had been at the office all day with work crap, then come home to kid crap.

I hope that didnt offend I'm just saying that I finally get how dh must have felt on those days.

I'm not excusing their short fuses, but just take it from a mom who has been on both sides of the fence!!

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