How is IF affecting your marriage?

WifeofMrA · November 2011

So, we've been TTC for 2 years. The last year has involved all the testing, a referral to an RE, more bloodwork and testing and then onto IUI's. I'm assuming almost everyone on here has had a somewhat similiar path. But, this past weekend, my DH had a meltdown. We've been dealing with it as best as we can and I thought we were doing ok. Our sex life has taken a bit of a hit and sometimes feels more like a lab experiment with meds, injectibles etc. I felt terrible when he told me this made him feel like he wasn't performing well as a husband and it's making him feel terrible all around about himself.

Anyone else? We talked about it, I've tried to be extra supportive but I'm feeling a little down about it all wishing I had a magic way to get us back to feeling like ourselves and not having life revolve around this.

Robeano · November 2011

I actually think IF has made our marriage stronger. It has opened a new level of deepness and pain that we then help eachother with.

My DH had a breakdown this weekend (gosh I hate seeing him cry Sad ) But it was healthy for him. He had been trying to avoid talking about TTC cuz it was painful but he did and b/c he opened up even more to me he became that much more special to me.

He has been so supportive and understanding with my crazy mood swings and my irrational behaviour, it makes me respect and cherish him more.

amandanurse · November 2011

If has turned our sex life into lab science so much that I can't imagine it being fun again. We are doing out first IUI in a couple of weeks so now we the whole sex part is out of the equation and I wonder what this will do to our relationship.

ellephunt · November 2011

In some ways we have a stronger relationship and have learned a lot about each other and how we react and deal. As for the bad, our sex life has taken a hit. He classifies it into fun sex and baby sex. It makes me sad. I don't ovulate so we try to have sex regularly not to miss it (if it were to miraculously happen). It doesn't make sex fun and it definitely becomes a chore. To help with this we've taken breaks when we need them. We also try to bring new things into sex.

juls052309 · November 2011

I agree 100 % with Robeano!

CTumelty · November 2011

IF is so hard. I know that my marriage means so much more to me now than we said our vows. It takes a very strong man to stick by us as we go through this. With us the problem lies with me and I have told him that I would understand if he left because I can't provide him with a child. He told me that he married me because he loved me and if we cannot not have kids than that is something he will live with. But it has not been easy to get to that point. There have been fights and lots and lots of tears. In the begining of our journey (when I thought it mattered if I charted) he was not interested in sex because he felt I was just using him. When we were doing the IUI's our sex life improved but when we did the IVF we both lost interest. For me it was partly hormones and partly because he was the bad guy with the needle. He said he lost interest because of all the injections he had to give and that he was no longer needed. We have since done a lot of talking about this and are both making all parts of our realtionship our top priority. IF can take over your entire world if you let it (which is very easy to do) you just both have to remember why you are doing this in the first place.

eponine7682 · November 2011

WifeofMrA:

he told me this made him feel like he wasn't performing well as a husband and it's making him feel terrible all around about himself.

Yes. I think IF is a HUGE strain on a marriage. I think it's one of the major things that can negatively affect ones marriage. My DH has said the same exact thing to me. He has even said a number of times "I can't wait to get you pregnant so we never have to go through this again". Communicating is important, but I find it helps to not concentrate on tttc all the time. If you find that that is what you are talking about most of the time with your husband, I think it can strain the relationship more. Try to remember the fun things you like to do together or talk about and do them. It's hard to not thing about IF, but it does help to know when you are beating a dead horse. Sometimes I just have to tell myself that I have already reminded DH of his appointment, or I have already had a sad moment and told DH about crying in the bathroom, I don't need to say it again even though it's on my mind.

Anyhoo, I don't even know if that applies to your relationship, but that tends to help us in ours. ((hugs))

honeygirl500 · November 2011

I actually think it has been good and bad for us. Like others have said, it makes us more compasionate towards each other. However, sometimes we don't always understand each other and IF is sometimes like that. He doesn't always understand how emotional it can be. Sex is not that great. I am not gonna lie. It has been down-right horrible on our sex lives. We have to deal with MFI, so I think that has affected his ego a big also. Sometimes I can totally see how people end up divorced over IF, but then again it seems to make us stronger as a couple. I guess like any storm if you can weather it together, you will end up stronger individuals and a stronger couple.

kellyrn9956 · November 2011

I have been very lucky that it has not affected my marriage much at all. We are still the same people we were when we started. We always had a very active sex life, so it's not too hard for us to "time it right", so not a lot of pressuring for sex, which is helpful.

My philosophy is that I want a baby...but I want my husband more. I don't want babies without my husband right there with me. I think some couples don't have that same philosophy (which is okay) and that's why they might end up separating or divorcing.

Robeano · November 2011

eponine7682:

I have already had a sad moment and told DH about crying in the bathroom, I don't need to say it again even though it's on my mind.

THIS! I need to work on that. I also have my mom I that I talk to when I have sad moments. But for my own sanity sometimes I need to have those moments, and then let them pass.

eponine7682 · November 2011

I also wanted to add that although it has been bad on our marriage, overall it's been actually good for us. My thought has always been that if we can get through this, and all the emotions that go into IF and MFI, we can make it through anything... it's kind of the same thought process we have when we say that IF will make us better, more appreciative mothers. It will also make us better more appreciative spouses.

brookelynpaisley · November 2011

In most ways, it's made us stronger. We've realized how on the same page we are with making decisions about what to do. We've seen each other go through more emotions than we would have otherwise and have therefore had to support each other through things that most marriages don't endure.

On the other hand, low T playing a role in our IF has been hard. I often feel that a "complete" marriage has been taken from us with the near-absense of a love life.

DMCKnox · November 2011

kellyrn9956:

My philosophy is that I want a baby...but I want my husband more. I don't want babies without my husband right there with me.

I really like this - I hadn't put it into words, but that's exactly how I feel. IF is a strain but it can really bring you together too. I just try and keep the lines of communication as open as possible and check in with him every now and then about his feelings (even though he's not much to open up about his feelings).

brideonjuly8 · November 2011

I think we've been dealing with it okay, but each of my miscarriages has really put a damper on my emotional state. I'm so emotional with each failed cycle and I know I snap at DH more, and he's so great at understanding and just giving me room to grieve with each period. He's not overly emotional and doesn't much like to "talk things out" but I know it's taking a toll on him, and I feel really shitty about it. My patience seems to be much shorter with the start of each new cycle, and I feel like a crappy mother, too. Sad

He's really supportive, and he's awesome to talk to when I need it. Sex has definitely become a chore, and I hate that. Our sex is still wonderful, but I really miss the spontaneity and having sex just because we want to, not because we have to.

He knows I'm stressed, and he's being very patient.

brookelynpaisley · November 2011

kellyrn9956:

My philosophy is that I want a baby...but I want my husband more. I don't want babies without my husband right there with me. I think some couples don't have that same philosophy (which is okay) and that's why they might end up separating or divorcing.

Agreed. A big reason why we initially pulled away frrom treatment is that DH wasn't ready. I was and am fine with that decision. I felt like I would be judged for "letting him run the show," or dictating our choices, but for me it was about making sure we were on the same page before doing anything. Having a baby doesn't have any appeal if it hurts our marriage and/or I don't have him to parent with me.

watkinae · November 2011

It has been both good and bad. It has been good for our marriage in the closeness that it brings. Luckily DH has been very involved in the TTC process. He was asking how my temps, OPK's and even CM were doing and when was it baby making time (he's a science guy, so that stuff didn't weird him out). He continues to be so supportive. It has been bad on our marriage in that sex now feels like work that needs to be put in as opposed to a time for connecting with your husband. I (and I'm sure DH) will be so excited to add that back to our marriage.

jessican08 · November 2011

((HUGS)) to you and your H.

Our marriage has definitely had some rocky spots on this IF journey. In my case at least, DH wants a child, but he certainly doesn't have the drive I do to get one so it's hard for him to understand and "get" why I'm so beaten down sometimes and take things to heart more than he does.

For example, we went to a benefit dinner Friday night and a couple we haven't seen in a few years (who have a small daughter) bluntly asked us, "So, where's YOUR kid?" DH just responded, "We're working on it." I, of course, thought it was incredibly rude to blurt out a question like that but he thought it was "childish" of me to feel that way.

I would definitely recommend counseling if your DH is willing to go. Also, I know it helped my DH a lot just to know we weren't the only couple going through this. I showed him TB and he was amazed by how many other couples go through the same thing.

jessa8909 · November 2011

kellyrn9956:
I have been very lucky that it has not affected my marriage much at all. We are still the same people we were when we started. We always had a very active sex life, so it's not too hard for us to "time it right", so not a lot of pressuring for sex, which is helpful.

My philosophy is that I want a baby...but I want my husband more. I don't want babies without my husband right there with me. I think some couples don't have that same philosophy (which is okay) and that's why they might end up separating or divorcing.

This. Exactly.

I put way more stress on myself than I need too and when I finally have a breakdown he's always there to pick me back up. But we've never fought about it or anything like that.

kellygksu · November 2011

We've had some ups and downs. I think that we were both feeling the strain financially and in the way that it was affecting our sex life. We were feeling a little distant and disconnected. Anyway, we had a talk, and just basically let ourselves off the hook. I was feeling guilty that our love life was suffering--now, we are both o.k. with it. There's this baby-making, scheduled sex.......and we don't feel bad that it's not as fun as it used to be. Hopefully, since we're not trying so hard to make it something it's not, we will be able to get back to normal one of these days.

After re-reading this, it sounds kind of terrible, but it really has worked for us!!!

keliser · November 2011

ellephunt:
In some ways we have a stronger relationship and have learned a lot about each other and how we react and deal. As for the bad, our sex life has taken a hit. He classifies it into fun sex and baby sex. It makes me sad. I don't ovulate so we try to have sex regularly not to miss it (if it were to miraculously happen). It doesn't make sex fun and it definitely becomes a chore. To help with this we've taken breaks when we need them. We also try to bring new things into sex.

This is us exactly.... Between vaginal pills, ultrasounds, and baby making sex my vagina wants a break when Im not ovulating...and sometimes when I am... I feel like an experiment. But DH and I are closer because of it.

keliser · November 2011

kellyrn9956:

My philosophy is that I want a baby...but I want my husband more. I don't want babies without my husband right there with me. I think some couples don't have that same philosophy (which is okay) and that's why they might end up separating or divorcing.

I love this!! Lets be friends

Jezebell26 · November 2011

For the most part it made us stronger, in terms of support. He has been my rock and has been there for me holding my hand every step of the way. After the second m/c he even said he hopes he is the one with the problem because i have been through so much. Nope, me again! lol But on another note, we recently went away for almost a week and the sh!t hit the fan. Turns out he is more upset about our relationship and that ive changed as a person and a lover. I have lost sight of the little details of being affectionate and cute around the house. Granted our sex life was never terrific since sex is always so painful for me, but im trying to be better with it, especially now that we are on a break.

It is definitely not an easy thing for a marriage to endure. I am in therapy and have been since before our first IVF. He refuses to go, and thats that. We make sure to talk about things and i make sure he is ok with us and what we are going through. Even though vacation was not the time or the place to discuss our marriage, i am glad it finally came out so that I know what I need to work on.

Best of luck to you two! Hang in there! *hugs*

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