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Multiples
erniebufflo
member
really emotional couple of days (xp)
erniebufflo
member
in Multiples
I posted this on my April board, but then realized the MoMs probably would have more advice/understanding:
I just need some reassurance that I'm not totally insane/horrible.
Despite the shock of mostly-accidentally getting pregnant and then the added shock of twins, I've been mostly relaxed and happy up until about...yesterday. It's like the shock has worn off and the awareness about the total life change we're undertaking is finally setting in. It started out with stressing about how we're going to literally fit the babies into our house, but that was mostly a trigger for how I'm going to fit them into our life and how I'm going to keep them alive and somehow keep my sanity. I sobbed myself to sleep last night while my hubby stroked my hair and tried to convince me to breathe, and I had another major crying jag today.
It's not that I don't think the babies are a blessing (I do! For two years we thought we weren't going to be able to have babies!) but I am also almost...angry...about the whole twins situation. I didn't ask for two babies at once! I see friends with their singleton babies, or I spend an hour snuggling a friend's newborn, and I wonder if I'm going to be missing out on that special bond you get when you only have kids one at a time. I don't even know how to HOLD two babies at once. Anytime I'm snuggling one, what's the other one going to be doing? How am I ever going to get to do the new mom eye-gazing and bonding if there's always some other baby with needs crying for me?
My mom basically made me feel like a terrible person for feeling anything but happy happy happy all the time about this pregnancy, but I feel like I'm mourning the fact that this is not going to be the "normal" experience. But I also feel insane. And horrible.
Please tell me I'm not entirely terrible!
Etta Jane and Claire Elaine are here! Born March 28, 2012.
What it's like to cloth diaper twins, Part I.
Cloth diapering twins, Part II.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: really emotional couple of days (xp)
Don't worry. You're not a horrible person, and what you're feeling is completely normal. I'd bet dollars to donuts that anyone here who said they were never completely freaked out is lying her butt off. We've all been scared.
But you know what? We've all managed too. There is not a single MoM that I have ever met who would give one of those kids back. It's work. Hard work. But the rewards are so worth it.
You will figure it out. I am one of the least maternal people out there, and I've managed just fine. You will bond, I promise. I remember freaking out because my kids didn't come home for 6 weeks, and how could I possibly bond with them when they were there for so long? The first week was a blur. The first month was just trying to keep our heads above water. The first year has been nothing but blessing after blessing, and the fun is really just getting started.
You were given these two little babies for a reason. They will amaze you in ways you can never imagine. You are mom. Nothing can change that. You are already more bonded than you know.
((HUGS)) to you. I promise you that it will be just fine. The panic is normal.
Big hugs for you - this is completely normal! I realize now that I think I was in shock for most of my pregnancy. I felt very guilty for having twins (we used clomid) and then when they were here I feel like I was cheated out of the baby experience. Yes - I am definitely jealous of friends with one baby sometimes, but I also think it has made me a more realistic mother.
You do get a special bond with both of them (it doesn't happen immediately for everyone - it did not immediately happen for me, and it did not immediately happen for some of my friends who only had one baby, sometimes it just takes time). You will figure out how to hold two babies at once, and sometimes you will snuggle both at the same time, and sometimes one will be sleeping while you snuggle the other.
It is definitely harder to have 2 babies then just one, but it is also pretty awesome at times too. Now that they are 6 months it is becoming easier.
So needless to say you are not terrible, you are scared, with good reason to be. It will all work out and then you will have 2 amazing babies (although at times you will not think they are so amazing and that is normal too)
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
This makes me feel a little better because lately I've been feeling similar to OP. It's not that I'm not very excited & feeling blessed... I'm very worried about my DS. He'll be less than 18 months when they get here and I'm scared I won't have the time/energy/attention that he needs. And that makes me weepy.
Our crazy, wonderful life
Being a twin mom means you learn to be flexible. Period.
You make it work. You go with the flow. You learn to juggle. You anticipate needs and you respond on que.
You will learn on the fly. You will ignore stupid comments. You will be the super amazing awesome coolest mom in every single store because you yielded two instead of one.
You will do it because you have no other choice.
You will love it.....just wait....you'll see.
Someday you'll be so darn proud at your own efficiency because you got 2 for the price of 1 and it's awesome.
You're not horrible. You're very normal. It is hard but, it's also double the reward. As hard as it is (I have an older toddler, too) I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Keep your head up. The good far out weighs the bad, I promise.
: )
I didn't really think about the bonding or any of that because I was too freaked out and in shock to even get to that point. I was scared out of my gourd and surrounded by people who kept asking if I was "excited". I lied and said yes because it's not socially acceptable to say "no, I would rather this twin thing not happen" but I was terrified. I wasn't sure I wanted kids and then I get two all at once? Surely this is some sort of cosmic joke, right?
I won't lie and say it's easy, because it's not. But it is worth it. 10000000% worth it. I was the person who was always asked to be seated away from kids in restaurants, who wasn't into other people's babies and was just not the maternal type. At 6 weeks in, I was wondering what I had done to my life. A year out, I can say that this was the best thing ever and, like JosyPosy said, the fun is just really beginning at a year old.
You are not terrible. You are normal. Just take a deep breath and know you're not alone and that you'll figure this out, just as we all have figured it out.
Etta Jane and Claire Elaine are here! Born March 28, 2012.
my blog
What it's like to cloth diaper twins, Part I.
Cloth diapering twins, Part II.
Our guys weren't entirely planned either. We weren't in a financial position to deal with it. I had a lot of times where I just freaked out. Wondering how I was going to take care of these babies, in all possible ways.
But we've made it work, with lots of help and support. And you will get your bonding time. There will be times when only one is hungry or one is sleeping.
It is a lot of work but so much joy as well!
You're not a horrible person at all! Just the fact that you are worried about being able to care for your babies, in all senses of the word, shows your character. *hugs* You will do great!
I think I wrote a similar post about 6 months ago. You are not terrible for thinking like this. It is totally normal. It does get annoying when everyone asks and expects you to be nothing but happy and excited. From what I've learned so far is that even if you question your ability to get through something tough, you just do it anyway without thinking. In the process you gain your confidence that you can tackle anything.
It took me a while to really accept and be excited about having twins. After I found out the sexes and felt consistent movement, I really couldn't imagine not having both of them.
Peanut Butter and Jelly!
<a href="http://s568.photobucket.com/albums/ss122/AliceNP/?action=view
I went through the same feelings, ups and downs, multiple times; I think it's the Mom guilt that I will deal with at some levels for the rest of their lives, perhaps, fueled by double the hormonal swings..lol.
There is nothing else like this life, and I mean that in a good way. It sounds like you have a very supportive husband and that is awesome. DH and I really tried to lean on each other and still do) when we were having emotional days about what to expect and be understanding about what some would see as being irrational or spoiled thoughts.
Echoing the PP's, you will make it! Take it one day at a time and cherish it. To tell you the truth, my pregnancy was a challenge and my girls came a little early, and I'm bummed that I didn't get to enjoy every single day of my pregnancy because I know now it was probably my last. Your relationship with your DH will persevere and you will find humor in the most odd things. You will also learn to do any chore around the house one handed, or with your elbow/chin/foot/butt, and you will be so amazed that you are a great mom with the most awesome kids in the world..... and just ignore what your MIL says to you.
This is totally normal and I went through it too. I was at times so happy and at times SO pissed during pregnancy. For all the reasons you mentioned. I really wanted a baby but two? I remember telling my husband I never wanted twins when we talked about having kids.
But now that they're here (they're a month old now) I can't imagine having one. Its hard but its worth it. And fun. And unique....most people don't get this amazing experience. That being said it is hard and that's why this board is here!!!
But you will love them, love them love them. And when others complain about their singleton being difficult you can always be like "shut the f-- up."
But really its normal. You didn't ask for two babies it just happened. But it will work and it will be worth it, trust me. Well maybe trust someone who's had them for more than a month!!! AND I'm writing this at 4am so twins must be good:)
And at least its not triplets.....right triplet moms out there?
Lnt, YES to the whole "aren't you excited" thing! Jake and I have a response pretty downpat -- "Well, it was a total surprise, so there's a lot to figure out! But we're getting there
"
At least, for the non-strangers who ask.
I love this board and all the support it gives!! Reading these responses was awesome.
OP, everyone here understands and as been through it herself. I've never hidden the fact that I only ever wanted 2 kids. I saw myself as part of a 4 person family, complete with 2 kids.
When I learned there were 2 in my uterus, with one already at home, I was devastated. As soon as my OB said "are you seeing double yet?" I burst into tears. I knew 2 things - we needed a new car, and we needed new day care. That's about all I could muster in the first month or so after we found out.
It took me the better part of my entire pregnancy (which ended a day shy of full term, 36w6d) to get used to the idea.
I won't lie - the first 12 weeks having them home were HELL on me. I could barely get enough sleep to function. But, I had an amazing, supportive, helpful partner to get me through. At 6 months, life got more fun. At a year, we started having a blast. 18 months later I can promise you that I wouldn't change a thing except having DD2 sleep past 4am these days.
You'll do it because you have to, and you won't always like it. It will grow on you, though, and it DOES get better.
For what it's worth about the bonding - you will bond with them. I promise. Social media (magazines, movies, etc) would have you believe that your bond with your child is instantaneous, and if it's not then there's something innately wrong with you. I'm here to tell you that it's simply not true, no matter how many babies you give birth to.
With DD1, all I could think about was having dinner. She was born at 5:30pm, and I was hungry. The bond wasn't instant, and that's ok. I love her more than life itself now, and the twins too. In my experience, the bond forms through the daily acts of getting to know each other. And that takes time.
I would think it would be weird for someone not to have those feelings when they're given the shock of multiples.
And, I'll be honest. I hated the first three months. I never wish to live it again.
But, now, as much as they can make me want to pull my hair out they are so much fun and I love that they have each other. And, it enables me to get videos like this
https://www.youtube.com/user/grantandcole?feature=watch#p/a/u/0/xiMVZzWtUZ4.
Your reaction is totally normal. I would have loved to experience a "normal" pregnancy, birth, and infancy with a singleton, but I thank goodness someone else had other ideas for me. Having twins taught me to be more flexible with my life and my expectations and I think I'm a much better mom because of that. And it's great to know that my girls have such a special bond. I also think they are ahead of the game of knowing how to share and to think about others since they've had to do it since day one. It's amazing to watch them play and talk together and when they get something, they usually get two so they can give one to their sister. I won't lie and say it's an easy road, but it is so, so worth it!
***Twin fraternal girls born at 35w6d in 12/2008***
I struggle with this as well. I have had two singletons, so I know what to expect but am completely overwhelmed with idea of taking care of two babies at once. I have no idea how to give each boy the one on one time that I did with our girls. That and I have had to be on restricted activity since almost the beginning (DD2 was born at 33 wks due to PTL), so I am not able to take care of the girls the way I would if I was carrying a singleton. Even now, I am in so much pelvic pain that its making things even worse.
You are not terrible in the slightest. You are just trying to process what's happening. Hang in there. Don't let anyone make you feel bad because you're not happy 24/7.
You're not insane, and you're not going to have the same experience with twins that you would get with a singleton, but it will be better. I have a singleton (first) and twins. To be blunt, I was pissed when I found out we were having twins, we were trying for 1 more (enough to take Clomid) and wound up with 2. Like you, I mourned the experience I wasn't going to be able to have with "this" baby like I did my first. As the pregnancy went on I got more excited about them. As soon as they were born I knew that this is how our family was supposed to look and it looked perfect. Don't listen to your mom, I always thought I wanted twins (when I was taking Clomid I knew we were going to have 1 and I was trying to not get my hopes up for twins), so the emotions took me by complete surprise and they're MY babies.
You'll fit them in your home and life fine. I know it's hard to see, but "it WILL work out". You'll learn how to carry/snuggle 2 babies at once. There WILL be times when you're holding/feeding one and the other will cry and you won't be able to tend to that one at that very moment, but I'm sure you'll do your best and your babies will know that they're loved so much. Honestly carrying for my boys became easier once they started sitting on their own because they could be more involved with things. I'm actually sad for our oldest that he doesn't have a twin.
I know some people say that their twins don't get along or they're a twin and they don't get along with their other twin, but my twins are best friends and I think them being twins is the biggest blessing for them. When one runs off the other is right behind. Welcome to the club, there's so much support here. You're going to have twins and you'll do so much more than you think you can.
Thanks for posting OP. I needed to read this, too.
I go from being excited to overwhelmed and stressed pretty quickly. I am trying to read as many books as possible and learn as much as I can, but deep down I know no amount of preparation will be enough.
The day we found out we were excited, but after a few days I started to freak out, mostly about money. And I have moments where I doubt myself and whether I can handle it all or not. I am not that maternal either, and often doubted whether I even wanted kids or not.
A co-worker/friend of mine has twin boys who are 2.5. I keep repeating in my head something she said to me right after I told her our news, because it still makes me smile. She said "we are the lucky ones who get to feel the love from 4 tiny arms all at once."
Boy/girl twins born at 37w1d and 37w2d
THIS!:) I totally felt how you feel now!:) but I currently feel how this poster feels:D) You can do this:) Just take it one day at a time!:)