need some advice about the MIL

Re: need some advice about the MIL

• lijuan09 member

  November 2011

  I'm not familiar with your whole situation, but from what you posted I think you need to approach your DH with just what you said to us - you are afraid that your parents won't come for Thanksgiving because of your MIL.  He needs to step in and tell her to back off a little (nicely, of course).  I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but his mother is hurting YOUR feelings and scaring off YOUR family.

  I don't think you're being a "beoch."  Your feelings are valid and I would absolutely fight to have my family feel comfortable, especially when they live 7 hours away!
  

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• turner215 member

  November 2011

  I love my MIL but i hate how smothering my IL's can be.  I am not a very open person about personal matters and I think the baby is a bit personal.  No you dont need to know if i'm dialated or about my contractions.  But thats how my IL's are.  My FIL told me I should have a C-section and I need to talk to my dr about it.... UH, NOT your choice!!  SO I get where your comming from.  My MIL did the FB thing for a while and she still does, but she has calmed down a bit.  

  I finally just sucked it up and started talking about the baby to her and slowly brought up that I wasn't having anyone in the delivery room, and that I was getting stressed and feeling like she wanted to raise the baby like it was her own because of how she was constatly on FB about the baby way more than me or DH were.  I told her that I wanted her to be involved but the way it was going we were going to stop telling her anything and leave her out of it so it would reduce my stress and the stress to the baby.  

  She was speechless and a little hurt, but after I talked to her a few days later she called and told us that she understood that the baby has her own parents and another set of grandparents and she understood that she was going a bit over the top.    ITs hard, but if you dont talk to her or get DH to do the talking it wont stop and the stress will just compound.  

      
  
  

  

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• helloshannon

  November 2011

  mine is a bit overwhelming too but yours sounds worse! sorry you have to deal with that!!! 

   I have approached DH about it just by saying that I am not used to dealing with the level of excitement that MIL showcases and it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe you can approach it this way and ask that he talk to her about toning it down because your family will be uncomfortable and you want them to be able to enjoy the experience as well. She just needs to be more self aware.

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• MusicalMegan member

  November 2011

  Personally all our family lives over 12 hours away so we don't have this problem as much.. although even from 800+ miles away my IL's can be a SERIOUS pain ...But my friend just had her first baby and her DH is an only child so her MIL is absolutely trying to take over raising the baby....even complained that the baby hasn't spent the night at her house yet...and he's 4 months. My friends parents live further away then mine do and when they came down to see her baby they hardly got a chance to hold him because her MIL was constantly holding him.  SO my suggestion is better to say something now then have her take over when the baby's here and have to tell her then.  At least if she continues or (heaven forbid) gets worse once LO is here you or your DH can remind her, "look, we've talked about this..." GL!

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• ar52kortlang

  November 2011

  I would tell my hubby what is going on with his mom and tell him that it is stressing you out and over whelming you. If he is anything like my hubby he would be more than happy to tell her her place and how to make it more comfortable for his wife! We have put all of this to ease on my side, with NO ONE except hubby and I will be at the hospital! We wont even tell anyone that we are in labor, until our LO arrives! It will be the less stressfull route for us! But yes, def tell hubby what is going on and let him handle it! After all, it IS HIS mother!

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• ar52kortlang

  November 2011

  MusicalMegan:

  Personally all our family lives over 12 hours away so we don't have this problem as much.. although even from 800+ miles away my IL's can be a SERIOUS pain ...But my friend just had her first baby and her DH is an only child so her MIL is absolutely trying to take over raising the baby....even complained that the baby hasn't spent the night at her house yet...and he's 4 months. My friends parents live further away then mine do and when they came down to see her baby they hardly got a chance to hold him because her MIL was constantly holding him.  SO my suggestion is better to say something now then have her take over when the baby's here and have to tell her then.  At least if she continues or (heaven forbid) gets worse once LO is here you or your DH can remind her, "look, we've talked about this..." GL!

  O WOW! Hubby and I have already told everyone that the first person who tries to tell us what to do with our child is OUT the door! It may be blunt, but this is OUR child, not theirs.

  Luckily our family is ALL in NY, and we are in TX! LOL

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• lindseymik13 member

  November 2011

  I think you just need to be blunt about your feelings. I would also block her MIL from facebook  it seems harsh but maybe would get the point.

   Also if at the hospital you are worried about your MIL being there all the time just talk to the nurses and have a codeword that lets they know that you need people out of your room and they can kick them out and they look like the bad guy and not you.

  
  
  
  
  

   

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• 06hoky member

  November 2011

  You need to talk to DH about it and get you both on the same page. Also you may want to talk to your hospital about keeping your MIL at bay.  I feel the same about my MIL and luckily DH agrees with me. 

  Our plan when we know I will be in labor is for MH and/or me depending on how I'm feeling to keep my mom up to date on what's going on.  I want no one at the hospital while I'm in labor.  My mom can feel free to update my brothers or my aunt but no one is to post anything on a public forum or share with MIL what's going on so she can't just show up.  After baby is here no visitors will be allowed for the 1st hour at least (assuming the birth goes ok).  Then when visitors are allowed it will be limited.  This I am discussing with the hospital staff.  MIL will be notified well after that 1st hour.  Then I plan to use the nurses to help me get rid of her if she starts trying to smother me and baby. 

  Started TTC 11/07 BFP 09/24/08 Miscarriage 09/30/08 First cycle of clomid August 09 Second cycle of clomid September 09 BFP 09/30/09 Miscarriage 10/10/09 Three more rounds of clomid and no success Diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility Abnormal Bleeding for 3 months resulted in D&C but results were normal November 2010 100mg clomid but didn't respond December 2010 forced break for a cyst February 2011 150mg clomid but still no response March 2011 250mg clomid and responded! Ovidrel trigger shot and IUI on March 31 Beta #1 11dpo: 27 Beta #2 15dpo: 85 Beta #3 18dpo 276

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• iluvmylab member

  November 2011

  lindseymik13:

  I think you just need to be blunt about your feelings. I would also block her MIL from facebook  it seems harsh but maybe would get the point.

   Also if at the hospital you are worried about your MIL being there all the time just talk to the nurses and have a codeword that lets they know that you need people out of your room and they can kick them out and they look like the bad guy and not you.

  This.  At our hosptial tour, they informed us that they can make up all sorts of "rules" so we don't have to look like the bad guy.  It's totally understandable not to want anyone in the room when you deliver.  It will be just me and DH.

  Your DH needs to step in and kindly ask his mother to back off a little.  He should mention that ya'll are very glad that she is so excited, but her excitement is making you uncomfortable, especially with the FB stuff.  That is odd that she uses your u/s pics.  I would pull them if it were me.  And to be perfectly honest, if she's reposting your stuff, I would remove her if she doesn't stop when you ask her to. 

  You are just going to have to be honest.  Yes, people's feelings may get hurt, but they'll get over it.

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• flipflops01 member

  November 2011

  I think you got some great advice from everyone already!!  If she still doesn't take it down a notch with visiting hours after DH talks to her (or you) I would say that you are really limiting visitors to house/hospital as you get used to being a new parent, and give her set hour or two... and then have your family came earlier in the day.  That way you can get alone time with your family anyway, and you won't worry about any intense dynamics with your fam and MIL.  
  

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• emd2887

  November 2011

  How would I approach this with my husband? With brutal honesty. Tell him how much it's stressing you out and that he needs to talk to his mother and set some ground rules. Block her from facebook if she is being that obnoxious with it. And at the hospital use the nurses to keep her out- they are used to this kind of situation. 

  BFP#1=12/24/10 missed m/c @ 9w2d BFP#2=4/13/11 EDD 12/24/11 (coming full circle!)
  Ella born 12/21/11
  

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• beezja member

  November 2011

  My MIL acts very similar, at least she was.

   I think the straw that broke the camel's back was about a month or two ago when on a Saturday morning I found her standing over my bed while I was sleeping. Naked. (I had gotten really hot in the middle of the night and stripped off my PJ's). My husband had let her in because she needed to borrow something, and for whatever reason, standing above me in the bedroom while I slept naked seemed like a good idea. After I woke up she carried on a conversation like there was nothing wrong and wouldn't leave the room.

   After this incident I was super pissed. Up until then I had talked to my husband about how smothered I felt and he told me just to get over it. After this he finally had a talk with her, not totally sure what was said, but the point was that while we know she's really excited, and we appreciate that, she needed to give me a little space. I've had issues with my pregnancy due to stress and I think he may have added this too, saying that it stresses me out a bit when she goes over board.

  

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• Happily Overwhelmed member

  November 2011

  If we step back in time I'll give you the advice to NEVER add your MIL to facebook

  My MIL joined facebook just to watch my posts. I left the friend request dangle and she eventually deleted the whole page saying it just "wasn't for her". My brother's wife has a FB and so does my mom. They've mutually agreed not to be FB buddies...it's just awkward. I've always found if you give my MIL just a little bit she takes so much more....

  But anyways...I don't think you're being a "beoch" at all!!! It's beyond annoying and she's kinda raining on your parade. Beyond that...this is YOUR child. She shouldn't decide who knows everything about him/her in the world of FB. That's creepy. Your DH needs to stand up and lay some rules down. It will only get worse if he doesn't.

  Some people just have that overwhelming personality. I guess it's wrong to ask her to change that...but she doesn't need to be around all the time. Your family deserves some time too and her there scares them away. She shouldn't be there all the time. Sadly as an adult she should already know that!

  I don't think there's a good way to do any of this without hurting her feelings. We've been slowly "conditioning" our parents from the beginning. Only telling them things that we were okay with being spread, etc. It sucks because they aren't very involved...but like I said, you give a little bit and it gets too much.

  So yeah, DH HAS to talk to the woman. It's not your job to control her. Tell him no paintballing with his buddies until he handles that woman!

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