I`m sad - Pregnancy loss related (not me)

Sjakie · November 2011

I texted my friend to wish her a happy vacation as she was supposed to leave today and she texted back that she didn`t go because she is in the hospital as she lost the baby.

She was due in March and she had her 20 wk scan a couple of weeks ago and everything was perfect. Is there anything I can do or say to her? I`m really sad.

It makes you realize that a pregnancy is still a miracle and something special. I`m becoming anxious and paranoid and just hope that everything goes well until the end.

emd2887 · November 2011

It's great that you want to be there for your friend. Honestly there is nothing you can say or do that will ever make it better or hurt any less. In particular, she may not want to be around you or your new baby- try not to take it personally. Let her be the guide as to how much contact with you she is up for.

I'd send her a card expressing your sympathy. Be sure to use her baby's name. If you think she'd like it, maybe get a little gift memorializing her baby.

Maybe either drop off a dinner for them, or get them a gift card so they can get take out.

If she wants, be there for her. Listen to what she has to say, or let her cry if that's what she needs at the time. Don't say things like "it happened for a reason" or "God must have had other plans."

Even after time has passed, don't forget about her loss, particularly on holidays. So many people forget at times like Mother's Day that these women are mom's too- they just don't have the benefit of being able to hold their babies.

Lots of T&Ps for your friend and her family as they go through this very difficult time.

buggywhips · November 2011

There's not a lot you can do, honestly. I have a friend who has had 2 losses just during my pregnancy...both were pretty early along but I know it's been hard for her. It's a tough situation for us to be in as friends since it might be hard for them to be around us...With my friend I let her know that I was available to hang out or go out and let her decide when. If she wanted to talk about my pregnancy we would but I let it be her choice.

I know this last time was especially hard since her body would not pass it naturally and the on call OB would not take it out. She was having pregnancy symptoms for over a month knowing she had lost the baby. She lost a lot of weight from morning sickness and was fired from her job for excessive tardiness due to it (she's fighting it). Once her regular OB was back from vacation they removed the tissue. I put the offer out that I would take her out for drinks once she was feeling well. The offer still stands, but it's up to her when she wants to go.

Good luck, I know it's a sucky situation to be in

inlovewithB · November 2011

I have experienced a first trimester loss, and she most likely won't want to be around you for awhile. Just seeing your pregnant belly and soon your perfect baby will be triggers for overwhelming grief for her and a reminder of how much she lost.

The best thing anyone did for me: A group of co-workers had a hearty plant sent to my home. It was so hard to watch all the flower arrangements people sent die and they were a reminder of the death of our baby. The plant on the other hand is still alive more than a year later and is a reminder that life will go on.

Sjakie · November 2011

Thanks all for the good advice. I will leave it up to her how much contact she wants.

I think the hearty plant and a card on special days are a good idea.

It just sucks so much as I can totally feel her heartache and I can`t do anything for her and, like you all said, I`m probably the last person she wants to see.

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I`m sad - Pregnancy loss related (not me)

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