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Special Needs
XP: Help with ASD, ADHD, OCD teen
Hi all
Still somewhat new here so don't flame, please! I have a teenage future SD with some slight disabilities (slight aspergers, add, ocd) but mainly, just a big ol' bad case of teenager-itis.She talks back, is rude/disrepectful, has boundary issues, sexually provocative, socially awkward, doesn't listen (but what teen does, right?), not into school but actually fairly intelligent, hardcore lazy and just generally hard to figure out. 
She has a biology test tomorrow on TWO chapters. She has a C average in the class. She told us about the test wednesday night, argued about making flash cards. Finally did, told us the test on was X. Tonight we find out it's X and Y, not to mention the X that we saw was only 1/2 of the real X. Grrr. So, we get home from the parent teacher conference and she's refusing to study.
She sits down though and answers some of the questions we pulled from the packets. She knows the first page of the first chapter, bombs the second page and then refuses to do anymore. We give her a bunch of 2 minute breaks,she doesn't calm down, her grandmother won't stay out of it (long term problem, irritates SD sooooo much) so it just gets worse and worse.
Long story short: she screamed, she cried, she swore, she yelled, she threw things, she broke a lamp, she did NOT study. She was ALREADY grounded for a month, halfway through the month now. What do we do now?
We have grounded her for two more months, she got one month at a time after various things she did/did not do tonight.
Grounding = no TV, no computer/Internet (except school related), no friends, no social stuff, no fun stuff outside of house (except occasional with parents, no phone. Because of her dysregulation issues, we have issues with coping mechanisms. In general, hers are music, reading, drawing/art and she says TV as well (I can understand that). Should we allow all 3 (not TV) while she's grounded or just two?
Also, if you're working or want to go out, what do you do about the kid being home with the TV and internet? She's never really had any discipline before I came along and, of course, the grandmother who lives here doesnt support the discipline and is continually saying: "Oh, are you just gonna ground her for the enxt two years? Wrong approach." Well, what the hell is the right approach then? When she chooses not to care about her future (already failed an essential class next year and has a D and two Cs right now, what should we do? When she lies/sneaks out/swears/etc, should we NOT ground her?)
HELP, please! Thanks!
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Re: XP: Help with ASD, ADHD, OCD teen
I don't post over here much, I just wanted to say as a step mom of a healthy teenage daughter and an autistic stepson (he is almost 12) I can't imagine grounding for 3 months being an effective discipline unless you found drugs or something and needed to put her on lock down. It's to long IMO. It has been my experience that my SS needs a payoff to get assigned task. Even if the payoff is praise for doing a good job or hug. I don't think taking away privileges will motivate her to do more.
When my SD gets in trouble we usually take away her electronics for a week. This is works very well for us she hates being with out them. She might loose an allowance, get extra chores. Sometimes it might relate directly to her misbehavior.Your SD was already grounded clearly that didn't detour her from acting out again. I think you need to try another form of discipline.
Also I think your are a bit dismissive of her disabilities. You maybe need to do some research to see what you can do to HELP her with her school work.
Well, more than anything, more than special needs, you have a family dynamic problem.
You are not her mother. You are not her step mother. In her eyes you are nothing more than the woman her father is having sex with. And that means you have no authority, and shouldn't.
How would you feel if you were hounded and grounded by a woman who isn't even set to marry your father for two more years?
You should not be attending any sort of parent teacher conferences. That should be her father and mother's job. If mother is not in the picture, you still stay home.
All discipline should come from Dad, and if the gradmother is playing a key role in raising her and has for an extended period of time, from her. Those two need to be on the same page, you need to get out of the way and stay out.
As to grounding her, well, it seems counterproductive to remove almost all social interaction for possibly months at a time from a child who already is struggling with social issues.
I highly recommend that she and her father look into counseling.
Yes, sorry, actually, we've nixed the grounding. It was a knee jerk reaction.
I realize my original post was dismissive, I don't *actually* feel that way, I wrote that immediately after the trauma the other night.
We've decided to do homework EARLY in the day, like she's sitting next to me right now doing biology. yay for a good morning!
we dont know what to do for the punishment for the other night though. she also wants to join wrestling? should we let her do that as it may be an outlet or should we not because its a recreational activity?
also what else can we do to support her besides helping with homework, organizational skills help, breaks when requested, coping mechanisms never taken away - i don't know what else to do!
thanks for ur advice!
yes we are starting family therapy
she HATES her grandmother getting involved with her life, she actually welcomes me, she says i listen to her and help her whereas her father doesn't, hes been dealing with alone for 16 years and i think hes just tired
so if anything she welcomes discipline and help from me more than anyone, as her mom ran off when she was 5 motnhs old, i think she starved for a 'mom'
she seems to respect me, she asked me to help her change her birth control, she wanted me to go to the conferences by myself since i dont jump on her. she and her family DEF need help tho
Maybe do a "Family Goals" or "Family Focus" chart where everyone has one or two short term goals and one or two long term goals they need to work towards?
Some sort of visual aid may help remind her where she wants to be so that she can work towards getting there. (i.e. earning the ability to join and stay joined to wrestling) This could help her take ownership of her own growth. She is old enough to grasp this and maybe just needs someone to help organize the process. You can use magazines and cut out pictures representing the goals. She can also then see where everyone in the family stands on their goals so she doesn't feel singled out. Everyone needs to work on something in life....This family chart could be located in the dining room and discussed over dinner once a week and reviewed once a month..?
Thanks, everyone, and especially Auntie, for your indepth response.
Some answers: yes, her mom was NOT mentally healthy and I believe she does suffer from bipolar. I have a feeling she might have been improperly dx as well. Sorry for the use of the word 'slightly,' I got that from the doctors - they said she DOES have some social delays but they are not that severe.
Her quarterly IEP was today and the school psych. said she thinks 95% of her issue with homework is her ODD. She wants to do the homework SHE wants to do it, she doens't want to do what the teacher say. This does manifest in not studying for tests and not completing big papers sometimes but mainly mainfests is skipping all the intermediate steps for any assignment which add up to the same amount, in the gradebook, as the final assignment so now she's lost half the possible points of each assignment before the teacher even grades. Since she's so intelligent, her finished product is great and so it's hard to point out why the intermediate steps are SO important if her finished product is already so good. We do have a plan going forward for this, a daily homework log, checking the new homework zone online offered through the high school.
One question I do have re: homework is when she REALLY refuses to do it and we can sense a huge meltdown coming, should we allow it to happen? Even when we give her breaks, she uses her coping mechanisms and we try again later, she re-escalates to the point she was at right before she took the break. Therefore, nothing productive gets down and everyone is super stressed out. At almost 16, is she old enough to decide she wants to fail? She seems to be completely aware of the consequences but again because she is so intelligent, she thinks and it's most likely true, she will always be able to scramble at the last moment and bring the grades up enough to graduate.
We are definitely NOT dreaming of kicking her out. I am graduating from grad school a year or so after her planned high school graduation, then I plan to work for a year, her father is also re starting college soon (hopefully, this will work positively in influencing her) and then we are planning on starting our own family i.e.fostering and adoption so a house to ourselves? Long way away! LOL And, I do genuinely enjoy her company and love her.
MY dream plan for her? Graduate, stay at home, work part time, attend community college either part or full time here and then continue on to a four year or art or technical/electrical college so you see, I actually want to keep her home, LOL.
She has a very curvy figure with a large chest so even when she doesn't wear super provocative clothes, it actually looks as though she is wear and I hate restricting her clothing choices based on her biology but on the other hand, with her limited social skills especially when it comes to boys, I don't want any situation to develop that she may not be able to handle.
Thank you for mentioning earning privileges instead of losing them. Question: so if we go on that schedule, what happens when she acts up? Do we punish then? I got a good idea of 'manual' labor from the blended families board.
Also, we do have a data tracking board for her but I think an OP was right that if EVERYONE has their own board, she won't feel singled out and maybe will feel more motivated to change her OWN behaviors if we are both working on changing OURS. God knows, we both have a lot we'd like to perfect.
Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate it!
Glad to hear that you want to be involved with you SD's life, and that she seems to welcome you into it, at least as much as a teenager will. As a step mom myself (my SS is 7, with untreated ADHD) I really feel like we married into our stepkids AND any problems or disabilities they have, and "staying out of it" is not helping anything.
A though for you SD though...most schools require a certain grade average for kids to participate in sports. You might be able to use that to encourage her to bring her grades up. Even if the school doesn't mandate it, you as a family could require she keeps her grades up to participate. Restricting access to something isn't quite the same as taking it away - in general, people respond better to GETTING something for doing what they are supposed to rather than LOSING something for not doing it!