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Trouble TTC
Hinessn
member
Losing Faith
Hinessn
member
in Trouble TTC
Okay, here it is upfront - I'm feeling pitiful and whiny and I dont want to bother anyone with these dumb feelings so I'm posting here. Please, do not feel obligated to read it, I just need it off my chest.
This week has been rough. The ER visits, the drugs I was put on, working 12+hr shifts, being on Clomid cycle #4, and fighting with DH.
I did make an appointment with yet another new doctor, it was supposed to be a RE, but apparently its just some OBGYN who will do a few tests and THEN maybe refer me to a RE. My appointment is Dec 5.
Block leave at work is Dec 17-Jan 3 and I was planning on taking 14 days to spend with my family as it could be my last christmas before leaving for Afghanistan. Not too long after winter break is over I will be leaving for pre-deployment training, and once I get back I'll have approximately 90-ish days before I leave for 9-12months in country. When I get back, I'll be pushing 26. I know, it's not old by any means, but still...I just dont think there's a chance for me to get pregnant in the next few months. All my coworkers understand and are ecouraging (nothing is secret in the military, my bosses all have to know the gist of whats going on with me) and they all are hoping I get pregnant and they know its not to avoid deployment. We just really want a family.
I remind myself that so many others have it worse than I do, and it just makes me feel selfish and even worse about myself. I cant help but think that while I'm in Afghanistan, I'll have wasted so much time with my husband and life stresed about getting KU.
I think maybe it's time to put TTC on the shelf until I return in the late summer of 2013....
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Re: Losing Faith
Aww I'm sorry. I know it made me sound like an a$$ but when we got together 5 years ago, and married 3.5 years ago, we just thought we'd be onto number two by now. I know I'm still so young, but a part of that makes me feel worse because no one can figure out why a young healthy woman can't get pregnant.
But, it's the same for all of us on here. Some of us know why its hard, some dont.
I'm trying to let go of that timeline, but I feel so defeated giving it up. And then there's always that "What IF" scenario of what'll happen when I'm deployed. I never thought I'd have to choose between a family and my duty.
Thank you for the kind words and understanding.
I remember my timeline/plan when I was 12:
Graduate college at 21 (at least got that right)
Married at 22 (Ha! Try 35)
Two kids by 25 (Umm, still working on number 1 and will be 37 next May)
Acknowledging that things didn't go according to (your) plan is not giving up. May mean a different challenge with you being deployed, but it means you will make a new plan. And it will work out.
Since you mentioned faith, I have to remind myself (often) that it is "the substance of things hoped for, the believe in things unseen." I hope that reminder helps you, too.
Thank you for your service, and all the best. If you feel like having a pen pal, I'm happy to write.
IVF #1: 9/13/12. ER: 9/25. 3R, 2M, 1F. ET: 9/28 (1-6B). Beta: moved from 10/11 to 10/10: BFN.
IVF #2: 11/12 cycle postponed due to Sandy and then cancelled due to elevated E2.
IVF #2.1 cancelled due to cyst.
IVF #2.2: 2/2/13. Converted to IUI. BFN
P/SAIF Welcome.
My Blog
This! Sorry I don't have more insight but know we're here for you. ((hugs))
All of this. Including the feeling old as I sit here pushing 35 as well...
Thank you so much for the kind words and support. You have no idea how much I need it right now.
Its so strange, the other day I was totally determined, had a plan, etc etc. Then yesterday morning its like reality hit me with a huge negative brick.
Also, thank you so very much for not judging me with my upcoming deployment. I was on the nest Military boards but they were always accusing me of trying to get out of my deployment and thats it. When we first started TTC, I didnt even know I was going to deploy, and we certainly had no idea whatsoever that 15 months later we'd still be here. The military has always been my life, and it is my duty - but I do it all for my family (current and future) so I just hate to think that one has to be sacrificed for the other.
Thank you again
Sorry you're having such a bad day. Believe me, I've been there. DH is Army and it's been even more stressful TTC with the announcement of a last minute deployment. DH leaves soon for 9 months, so this cycle may be our last real shot. Sometimes it's so hard not to put pressure on yourself when you have a sort of deadline like that.
Glad you have support from coworkers. I know that's helped DH a ton. Hopefully you get some answers soon. Good luck!