DH banned from OB appointments...

unstuck6jb · November 2011

Seriously, I am starting to worry about my DH, has anyone else experienced this...he just isn't really getting excited about this baby and it's really starting to hurt my feelings. We had decided to start trying together, he was on board for this and then when we got our first BFP he was legitimately excited, he started helping me around the house, spontaneously washed my car, and was touching my belly and being so sweet. After the loss and now that I'm PG again, he's just not supportive, not excited, actually being less helpful and hurting my feelings all the time. Then today at my OB appointment he actually was teasing me that maybe I was having another m/c because I was having pain from my cyst! Seriously! Then when the doctor asked him if he had any questions, he wanted to know how to get me to stop complaining and needing him to get me special foods etc. The doctor was shocked I could tell, he told DH that it was his job and he should be supportive of me. I wanted to kill DH...seriously, so mortifying. I probably need to go get counseling or something...I am just getting really scared. I keep thinking he'll come around and get excited again...but when? This baby doesn't deserve this...and I definitely don't. I'm totally freaked. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. I really can't bring myself to talk to anyone IRL about this because I don't want people to judge DH. I just don't know what's gotten into him...

On the bright side, we did get to see the baby and I measured ahead a few days...11w2d and the HB was 163 bpm! At least I'm not worrying about baby so much...just DH!

Thanks so much for listening to my rant/ramble!

ambs21 · November 2011

My DH pretty much refused to talk about this pregnancy until after the NT scan. Then, he said he felt better but still didn't talk much about it. Now he at least responds when I talk to him about it and says he is excited, but it is still very different from the previous 2 pregnancies. He has admitted that he was just scared and saddened by the m/c and fearful. I understand, but it is so hard to feel alone in this. I'm sure it will get better, but it may not ever be the same as the first time. It changes their feelings as much as ours even though they tend to vocalize it less. Big hugs. I know how you feel.

edit to add: my husband went to the NT scan and A/S only... no other appts. I think I prefer it that way! My mom went with me to a few early appts. when I didn't want to go alone in case of bad news (I was by myself with DD when we discovered the loss of our twins.), but, other than that, it's just me and DD at all appts. Do whatever is best for you as far as who goes with you.

mwitter80 · November 2011

It sounds like he hasn't dealt with the grief of the loss. So it's hard for him to except your current pregnancy.

TnG05 · November 2011

My Hubby isn't acting that excited either only brings up the baby if I do. For the most part I think it's their defense mechanisms because of the previous loss. They are trying not to get too attached just in case. I have to admit I'm doing the same but it gets harder every day. Now his comment at the appointment were very hurtful and disrespectful and I would have to tell him about that. Otherwise don't worry about him (I know it's easier said than done but it's doable) and just keep taking care of yourself. Eventually he'll come around. Not sure about banning him from the appointments though. I only ask mine to come for the big appts but it's more of a "I would like for you to come only if you want to" kind of thing. Sorry he's not being really nice and supportive.

unstuck6jb · November 2011

Thanks for letting me know I'm not totally alone on this! I will have to talk to him sometime this weekend about some of his hurtful comments, but I guess I'll just keep giving him some time to really get "behind" this pregnancy. I can understand him being scared...it's just weird because I guess I don't think of him as really being emotional about it, but I imagine he is more so than I can really understand. Anyway, if he's in town I know he'll want to come with me to the a/s appointment, but I think I might just do the rest of the regular monthly appointments alone. He wanted to come today so I was happy to have him there, especially because I wanted support in case there was anything wrong! I was also alone when I got the bad news last time. So anyway, I'm just really hoping he comes around before too long! I don't have any other family here so I'm sort of on my own without DH.

Swimmingly · November 2011

I'm sorry you are going through this. It does sound like your husband hasn't dealt with the grief, loss, fear, and all that comes along with a miscarriage. You mentioned in your post, "I probably need to go get counseling or something..." It sounds like going to some kind of counseling, grief and loss or more general (maybe sometimes together as a couple and sometimes alone) could help. I know my husband I definitely said if we thought our grief was too much, we'd go to counseling. Good luck and I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Luvmybella · November 2011

Ohh, I am so sorry you're dealing with that. I think most men have no idea how to deal with their feelings and they end up expressing them in the most asstastic way. I'm sure he's nervous to get excited/attached after your loss and I bet a million dollars he will start to come around once you're rocking a bump and for sure after he feels LO kicking away in there.

My DH was upset after our loss for sure but I didn't realize how much it truly affected him (because they suck at communicating) until his Brother and sister in law just announced they're 4 weeks (!!!!) pregnant on facebook. It really bothered him in a way I didn't think it would.

I guess my point is, I know your DH is deep down very excited for your pregnancy but having a hard time getting past the pgal fears that we as women are able to express and verbalize and thus better cope. I hope he starts to come around soon. In the meantime, my DH only really comes to ultrasound appointments and I don't miss him a bit at the others.

kevinandmonica2011 · November 2011

I am so sorry your DH isn't being supportive.

I think PP that said maybe he hasn't dealt with the grief from your loss and is having a hard time accepting this pregnancy (or doesn't want to "get his hopes up")... might be right.... BUT... that doesn't make it right for him to act like a douche canoe at your appointment (or any other time, for that matter).

Have you talked to him about his lack of support and interest? Maybe a serious heart to heart is in order... it is possible (unlikely, but possible) that he is unaware of exactly how terrible his actions are coming off. Perhaps counseling... for both of you... would be beneficial.

I hope he does make a turn around for you and your LO.

Whatever you decide to do and however you handle it... I hope it gets better. You deserve better. ((big hugs))

jkfranklin · November 2011

DH is the same way. He was also sort of like that with DS. He told me after the fact that he was worried about him being healthy and even with all the tests coming back ok, he didn't believe he was healthy until he was born. I think it was sort of a shield he put up just in case. I think its a guy thing. So though all three pregnancies he wasn't the warm fuzzy talk to the belly sort of guy. He was great with DS from the first cry though. I guess its not advice but he will most likely fall in love as soon as he holds LO and you won't have a problem.

chusum · November 2011

He is most likely just being very guarded and instead of talking about it (like us women do), he is doing the opposite.

All I can suggest is having a heart to heart and asking him why he's being so odd & mean. Tell him he embarrassed you today at the appointment. If he doesn't give you an answer then you just have to give him time. Eventually he'll come around even if it's when the baby finally gets here (hopefully sooner).

LoriJ11 · November 2011

Men deal with pregnancy different. He is probably overwhelmed and doesn't know how to handle it. He was probably trying to make a joke (not a funny one) and it back fired.

My suggestion is to talk (not nag) at him and let him know that you are overwhelmed, scared and anxious as well. Ask him how you can help make it easier on him just like he needs to help make it easier for you. I would try to be open to the fact that he may be having feelings that you are not aware of. It is a lot for them to take on.... they just don't always know how to tell us that!

I'm sure he will come around, just try to talk to him CALM and openly. Allow him to be honest with you (even if that means that he is scared out of his mind and having second thoughts). You guys will be ok, it's a stressful time and he is closing up.

piedpiper07 · November 2011

I totally understand. My dh is definitely like that also and it makes me think wtf?!? Where did that come from??

mrs.julia.goolia · November 2011

My best advice is to really, REALLY work on communicating your feelings with your DH and hope he does the same with you. I know being PgAL can put a huge strain on a marriage, especially when you feel scared and worried and the husband just might not 'get' that. I would say that communicating is key, and if counseling is an option, even better. And I personally like going to my OB appts alone----but that is just me!

big hugs

JoAnna914 · November 2011

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry your husband is acting this way. While I totally understand and agree that he may not have fully processed your prior loss, it doesn't excuse him from being decent and fundamentally respectful of your feelings; his behavior is just plain mean, and you don't deserve it. I agree that you should probably have a "come to Jesus" conversation with him and explain just how hurtful he is being toward you. And as far as therapy is concerned, YOU don't necessarily need it, but he and perhaps you two as a couple could benefit from some counseling. I think this is a real cross roads in your relationship, and him taking out his pain on you is completely unacceptable.

hopeandlove0417 · November 2011

First, I'm so sorry your feelings are being hurt..your DH should be more suportive and sensitive toward your feelings. I want you to know though that my DH was the same way in the beginning. I know this time around I'm much different and more reserved (and our miracle is in me) so I can only imagine how difficult is on our hubby's who dont get to experience the miracle from the inside out. It did bring distance between us in the beginning, but as my belly started to grow and our LOs presence was undeniable he was able to let himself go and become excited.

I think maybe your husband is still grieving in his own way and worried to let go of his fears and open himself up to the possibility of having his heart broken again. I know how frustrating it is, but hopefully your DH is like mine was and in time he step up to plate.

It wasn't really until about 16-7 weeks that my husband really started getting noticably excited. I felt so alone and was so angry and hurt so I really understand how you feel. Hang in there it will get better.*hugs*

authorofdreamz · November 2011

I would definitely have a long talk to him about it and suggest counseling either for both of your or for him to go alone if he would prefer. I understand what PP's are saying about him not dealing with his grief and men dealing with things differently but he is being downright mean to you and your LO and there is no excuse for that. Being guarded and not being as excited is one thing but joking about a m/c and saying things like to the DR. and making your life more difficult are totally unacceptable.

unstuck6jb · November 2011

I can't thank you all enough for your support, I'm trying not to cry as I read all of your responses. Thank you so much. I am going to try and talk to him about it. I do feel more hopeful too that he will come around and it's always reassuring to know you aren't the only one who's experienced something like this. This post thread also did make me realize that I'm still a little guarded too...it's hard not to be after having a loss. I want to just be so happy, but I haven't totally gotten there myself. Either way, I'm still not going to take the mean comments. We are having a talk ASAP!

Blue Pansy · November 2011

I hope everything works out with your DH! Mine was very unenthusiastic about this pregnancy after losing our first, and it hurt my feelings a little -- he just didn't want to call his family to tell them, or act excited, or want to talk about this pregnancy. He basically put off everything we did from the BFP last time until we had this first ultrasound. I told him a million times that once we saw the heartbeat, our risk of miscarriage was low, and so now that we've seen the HB, he's happy. I do think that ambivalence is pretty typical... but how disrespectful your husband was isn't.

It sounds like he's really stuck and not moving past his grief -- I really think you guys should consider therapy. But, I hope your talk works out and he sees how inappropriate his behavior was!

VeilSdeGTO · November 2011

My DH was the same way. After three losses, he refused to even acknowledge I was pregnant for the first couple of months. I didn't realize how hurt he was by the losses. It took a long time (especially after finding out we were having a girl since the first loss was a girl) for him to come around. My DH isn't big on sharing his feelings so I didn't have a heart to heart with him. Once I realized it was because he was still hurt from the losses, I was okay with his apprehension. Once he did come around (during my third tri) he was super excited and really got into it. He "spoils" his little girl now. I'm dreading the day she asks for a pony because I know he'll want to get her one. Hang in there. I'm sure he'll come around soon. Sorry for the lack of paragraphs. Bumping from phone.

petitbelle · November 2011

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. We have been dealing with similar issues as well. We lost our twins at 28weeks a year ago and I probably didn't let my husband grieve as he should have. I felt like I *needed* to get pregnant again to heal emotionally and my husband kind of gave in because he was tired of seeing me miserable. He went with me my first appointment and when the nurse said "it's just one this time" he had a meltdown. I found him in a chair in my OB's office, bent over and sobbing. After that, he didn't really want to talk about the pregnancy. He would let me talk about it but he would never bring it up on his own. When I was pregnant with my DD and the twins he would always talk to my belly, feel the baby move and be so helpful. He's even made comments that DD is "his" baby and this one is mine. He says he's just joking but it still hurts. He's gotten a little better in the last two weeks or so. Now he will try to feel him move sometimes without me asking him too and he will even talk about things we have to do to get ready for the baby. I know he's scared...he's even told me he is. I also know that he will be a wonderful daddy when this baby get's here. He's just scared of getting attached and then having another loss.

pottermommy · November 2011

I am so sorry that you are dealing with that. My DH didn't get excited and wouldn't even talk baby until about 20 weeks. When we found out he was a boy he bragged but he didn't truly get EXCITED and start acting daddyish until after VDAY.

Now he keeps asking me to have him early.....Yeah not the best suggestion.....I think sometimes it is hard to remember that the loss of a pregnancy affects them too. He was happy and in love with that first baby and he lost it just like you did. Now he is scared to get hurt again and to get his hopes up.

DH told me after the appt where we couldn't find his HB. Of course after they did the US and everything was ok. I asked him why he didn't seem upset in there. And he said that it was his job to be strong. THat if this baby died that I was supposed to fall apart and he was supposed to be strong and it wasn't supposed to hurt him. I had to explain that by acting like he doesn't care it makes me feel like me and this baby doesn't matter. His response....You aren't a husband you just don't understand....

And he is right, we don't understand. They use comedy (allbeit bad and innapropriate) to pretend like they don't care, remember the boy that would push you down and pull your hair in kindergarden??? And sometimes they just don't know what to say when they are uncomfortable.

I know it is hard but just try to remember that he wants to be strong and he doesn't know how to make it seem like he is the strong one and still show that he cares. He does though, I am sure of it. Fear and sorrow does funny things to us all.

unstuck6jb · November 2011

I think you all are right, I think he'll come around in his own time. I did sort of force him to get me KU again and I could tell he wasn't really ready. I just didn't want to admit it. We talked about the comments at the doctor's office yesterday and he said he really thought he was being funny. I think he realizes now that I wasn't amused! I'm going to work on being more patient with him though. Thanks so much for all of your insight. It has made me feel a million times better!

DragonflyBelle · November 2011

He's scared, hon. I promise that he will come around eventually, hopefully before he gets banned.

yogiwannabmom · November 2011

DragonflyBelle:
He's scared, hon. I promise that he will come around eventually, hopefully before he gets banned.

That was exactly my thoughts. Hugs.

sunshinenva · November 2011

I know some people deal with loss differently and I am not sure if this is your husband's way of "dealing" or trying not to get too excited. No matter what I would consider counseling. I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope things get better soon.

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