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Preschool bullies--advice?

NoisemakerNoisemaker
in Austin Babies

OK, bullies is probably not the right word, but I wasn't sure how to phrase it.  Basically my 4yo DD is friends with a little girl at school that acts like Ike Turner.  One minute, they're best buds.  The next, she's calling DD names, telling her that her lunch is smelly and gross, criticizing her clothes, and/or saying she doesn't want to play with her.  My DD is like her mama, overly sensitive and a people-pleaser.  So she's been really affected by this--to the point of not wanting to go to school some days, being sad long after we leave school other days, etc. 

My approach so far has been to tell DD that good friends would never treat each other that way, and that she should not let people be mean to her.  So when her friend acts like that, tell her you don't like it and walk away.  I encourage her to play with some of the other very sweet kids in her class and emphasize that she deserves friends who are nice to her.  But she continues to go back to this same friend.  Every day I ask why she plays with this girl if she's mean, and DD tells me that she likes to play with her.     Huh?

I spoke to her teacher about this very briefly at conferences last week, and her teacher said that the 2 girls don't play together that much anymore (this girl is the only one DD knew going into her new class this semester, so they were sort of insta-friends), and she's noticed DD branching off to other friends.  She also said they handle these situations the same way that I've been telling DD--1) tell your friend you don't like it, 2) walk away and 3) if it's continuing after that get a teacher.  

But my girl is still sad.  And it's making me sad. 

Any advice for things to do differently, or other things I might try to do to help?  

Thanks ladies!

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Re: Preschool bullies--advice?

  • rssnlvrrssnlvr
    :-( This makes me sad. I think your advice to her is great. It's just a really hard lesson to learn. (((hugs))) to your sweet girl.
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  • luluAXAluluAXA
    I think I had one of those friends in elementary.  Some days we were good and some days she'd have all th other girls not talking to me or each other.  The only thing that helped was when we stood up to her.  But sadly as an adult she has the same personality and we're not close friends now.  I can't even remember if I told my mom back then about it but we take as much as we can until we can't anymore and I can remember her being mean to one of the other girls and just saying something.  She was still mean sometimes but it made all the other girls closer and we rallied together.  I'm so sorry she is going through this and at such a young age.
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  • A&JmomA&Jmom

    I haven't dealt with this exactly- but we have dealt with some "mean" kids in Kinder.  There is one of Abyb's classmates in particular that is at her table that consistently argues and says mean things to the other kids (I've witnessed it while in the room even).  I tell Abby basically the same thing you've told your DD.  Be nice to them until they are not nice to you. If they aren't nice to you ask them to stop then walk away and ignore them.

    Luckily it is not any of her "good" friends.  That would make me so sad as well. :(  I think what you  have done/said it perfect.  Poor thing!

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  • AbrooksAbrooks

    We've had somewhat similar situation. First of all - they are still learning how to interact socially and control their emotions and tongues at this age.  It's not an excuse but some kids are better than others.  We tell DD something similar.  Say No Thank You and walk away and play w/ other kids. DD however gets her feelings hurt and sulks.  So - while I can't change the behavior of another kid, I am trying to address DDs reaction.  I tell her it's ok to be sad but there are lots of other kids to play with and have fun. I try to ask a lot of questions. Who else could you play with?  What do you want to play?  Do you want to ask XYZ tomorrow to play with you?  If you're feelings are hurt, what should you do?  We try to talk through it together so I can make sure I'm understanding what she's feeling and then I can offer advice and encourage her to try different behaviors.  

    Honestly - I think this is something we'll be working on for years and years.  There is no easy fix - at least not for us.  But I'm glad that she at least tells me and we can work on it with her. 

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  • NoisemakerNoisemaker

    Thanks ladies.  She's only 4 and I'm already in over my head with friend politics.  Sigh. 

    Abrooks, I completely agree with this: 

    imageAbrooks:

    Honestly - I think this is something we'll be working on for years and years.  There is no easy fix - at least not for us.  But I'm glad that she at least tells me and we can work on it with her. 

    I'm so glad she talks about it with me  And I'm terrified for the worse things to come (middle school, yikes!)

    Thanks again for reading.  

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