I need advice from ladies who were TTC for a LONG time

jenna888 · November 2011

I have a few friends and relatives who have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. I have seen there hearts break when they find out others have become pregnant around them and I want to cause them the least amount of greave possible when I tell them our news.

I need advice from ladies who went though similar experiences.

Was/is there a ?best? way to break the news?

Any recommendations or advice?

I don?t want them to resent us but I am scared there will be no way around it L

rosemary&thyme · November 2011

Email, email, email. Break it to them gently and give them LOTS of space. Understand that they may be happy for you but it will just remind them of the difficulties that they are having. NEVER do it in person. Thanks for being so conscientious and aware of your friends' and relatives' feelings.

oncoRN · November 2011

rosemary&thyme:
Email, email, email. Break it to them gently and give them LOTS of space. Understand that they may be happy for you but it will just remind them of the difficulties that they are having. NEVER do it in person. Thanks for being so conscientious and aware of your friends' and relatives' feelings.

This, exactly. I consider us extremely lucky that we were able to get pregnant pretty quickly, but I would probably want to know through email so that I could work through it on my own time, in my own way.

jenna888 · November 2011

I didn't think about not doing it in person

Great advice thank you!

tinkitty · November 2011

rosemary&thyme:
Email, email, email. Break it to them gently and give them LOTS of space. Understand that they may be happy for you but it will just remind them of the difficulties that they are having. NEVER do it in person. Thanks for being so conscientious and aware of your friends' and relatives' feelings.

This. Also after you tell them try not to talk about your pregnancy unless they bring it up. Even then, try not to overshare because they can't relate.

bethCT · November 2011

This is a hard one. Some friends I seriously HATED when they told me (like, ARG, when my Brother and SIL told me that they got pregnant the month before they were planning to try), but most I was honestly happy for.

I went through helll and back to make DD (4th pregnancy) and this (fingers crossed) pregnancy too (3 iui, 1 ivf, 1 FET, 1 m/c), so it hurts when people (who by the way don't know what i went through) brag about how easy it is. So tack is good

Know that it might be hard for them to take, but they will most likely come around. Also, keep in mind that if they are in treatments, they are so pumped full of crazy hormones that they might not be able to control their emotions as well as they normally would.

Does this come off as preachy? I hope not!! LOL I am full of crazy hormones to try to keep this pregnancy going and should not be trusted to go online unsupervised

And congratulations (and no, I don't hate you )

mandalinn25 · November 2011

Absolutely email, but please make sure they find out from you. I hated when people thought I was too "fragile" to find out directly. I actually preferred the in person thing, but most don't. The other thing is please don't complain about your symptoms to them, they would give anything to have m/s and other stuff.

It took me 5 years to finally get here and I still feel like it is hard to enjoy, because I am waiting for the shoe to drop. IF sucks a lot of joy out of you.

blissflfaith2012 · November 2011

I can tell you from both perspectives (TTC and having to hear everyone else's news, and now having my own news to share with others who are still TTC), its going to be tough regardless. There isn't a "best" way, but tell them first how significant they are in your lives and how happy you are to share the news with those you love. At the end of the day, I couldn't help but be happy for my friends and relatives, even if there was a glitter of sadness in my heart (for my own struggle). Hope this helps somehow.

oncoRN · November 2011

bethCT:
This is a hard one. Some friends I seriously HATED when they told me (like, ARG, when my Brother and SIL told me that they got pregnant the month before they were planning to try), but most I was honestly happy for.
I went through helll and back to make DD (4th pregnancy) and this (fingers crossed) pregnancy too (3 iui, 1 ivf, 1 FET, 1 m/c), so it hurts when people (who by the way don't know what i went through) brag about how easy it is. So tack is good
Know that it might be hard for them to take, but they will most likely come around. Also, keep in mind that if they are in treatments, they are so pumped full of crazy hormones that they might not be able to control their emotions as well as they normally would.
Does this come off as preachy? I hope not!! LOL I am full of crazy hormones to try to keep this pregnancy going and should not be trusted to go online unsupervised
And congratulations (and no, I don't hate you )

I just wanted to say I'm loving your siggy pic-- too cute!!

bethCT · November 2011

oncoRN:
I just wanted to say I'm loving your siggy pic-- too cute!!

Thanks! Me too, it is SO SO old (DD is almost 3) but I can't bear to take it down

tinkitty · November 2011

bethCT:

This is a hard one. Some friends I seriously HATED when they told me (like, ARG, when my Brother and SIL told me that they got pregnant the month before they were planning to try), but most I was honestly happy for.

I went through helll and back to make DD (4th pregnancy) and this (fingers crossed) pregnancy too (3 iui, 1 ivf, 1 FET, 1 m/c), so it hurts when people (who by the way don't know what i went through) brag about how easy it is. So tack is good

Know that it might be hard for them to take, but they will most likely come around. Also, keep in mind that if they are in treatments, they are so pumped full of crazy hormones that they might not be able to control their emotions as well as they normally would.

Does this come off as preachy? I hope not!! LOL I am full of crazy hormones to try to keep this pregnancy going and should not be trusted to go online unsupervised

And congratulations (and no, I don't hate you )

I think you mean tact? (Not trying to be rude)

bethCT · November 2011

tinkitty:
I think you mean tact? (Not trying to be rude)

yes! **blush**

but thumb tacks are always useful, so maybe bring some as a nice gift?

tinkitty · November 2011

bethCT:
tinkitty:

I think you mean tact? (Not trying to be rude)

yes! **blush**

but thumb tacks are always useful, so maybe bring some as a nice gift?

Bahahaha!!! Pregnancy brain fail Wink

jessj81 · November 2011

When I was ttc my DD (it took over a year) my very good friend conceived while not even trying. I was SO UPSET. I loved her and tried to be there for her, but I admit it was hard. We have only been trying for about 6months now and my hubby's brother and sil have been trying for a couple of years. We are telling the family on Thanksgiving and dont want to upset her, so my hubby went to see his brother yesterday and told him so that he can prepare his wife for the announcement. I really hope this helps...I remember the pain and don't want to be the cause of it for her.

KJsbabe · November 2011

mandalinn25:
The other thing is please don't complain about your symptoms to them, they would give anything to have m/s and other stuff.

This x100! We were TTC for two years and every time I heard a pg lady complain about how awful she felt, I wanted to punch her in the face and say "Do you know how lucky you are?!".

Thank you for being sensitive to your friend's feelings. Whether you tell them in email or in person, please do it privately before you make your big announcement. If you give them time to work through their personal feelings, it will be easier to be happy for you later. And believe me, they will be happy for you, just sad that they can't be as happy as you are yet.

doggie mama · November 2011

mandalinn25:

Absolutely email, but please make sure they find out from you. I hated when people thought I was too "fragile" to find out directly. I actually preferred the in person thing, but most don't. The other thing is please don't complain about your symptoms to them, they would give anything to have m/s and other stuff.

It took me 5 years to finally get here and I still feel like it is hard to enjoy, because I am waiting for the shoe to drop. IF sucks a lot of joy out of you.

This, absolutely. Also, don't call/email/open convo under the pretence of asking them about their IF struggles, and then reveal that you are pregnant. I did not have this happen to myself, but it semed to happen to people from the other IF boards quite a bit. I think people somehow think it's softening the blow, but really, it comes off as rubbing it in people's faces.

mandalinn25 · November 2011

doggie mama:
mandalinn25:

Absolutely email, but please make sure they find out from you. I hated when people thought I was too "fragile" to find out directly. I actually preferred the in person thing, but most don't. The other thing is please don't complain about your symptoms to them, they would give anything to have m/s and other stuff.

It took me 5 years to finally get here and I still feel like it is hard to enjoy, because I am waiting for the shoe to drop. IF sucks a lot of joy out of you.

This, absolutely. Also, don't call/email/open convo under the pretence of asking them about their IF struggles, and then reveal that you are pregnant. I did not have this happen to myself, but it semed to happen to people from the other IF boards quite a bit. I think people somehow think it's softening the blow, but really, it comes off as rubbing it in people's faces.

Yup, I actually posted about that before I knew I was pregnant. Man did it irk me and she knew all about our IVF too.

caralck · November 2011

Email is nice and hearing it directly from you. It made me sad to find out through the grapevine. And I agree, give her as much time as she needs to accept that another friend is pregnant before she is. I did okay when I found out my friend was pregnant with #2 quickly but had to distance myself from her when she was complaining about having the baby at Christmas. It just pissed me off because she knew full well about our struggles. So minimize the pregnancy woes complaints around her because I'm sure she will gladly go through those because it means she's finally pregnant herself. Don't be surprised if she doesn't want to come to your baby shower if she's still not pregnant when that time comes around. I went to them but it was kind of hard because most of the talk was about pregnancy and motherhood. It was emotionally difficult but I also wanted to see my friends.

Becky&James · November 2011

I didn't have the phone number of a friend of mine who was going through TTC right along with me, so I had her call me and gave her my number and told her on the phone. I was so scared that she would hear it from someone else. I think she seems to be taking things ok, but I know how hard it is.

peeper72 · November 2011

I agree with everything PP have written: email, don't bring it up unless she does and for the love - don't complain. Trouble TTC is horrible. The conflicting emotion of finding out others around you are pregnant doesn't make it any easier. You're very sweet to be thinking of this for your friend

jenna888 · November 2011

Thank you guys soooo much for all of the GREAT advice! I really appreciate it. I got a little practice when I get married with so many "waiting" friends but this is 100X more sensitive

Hopefully all of this great advice will help other bumpies as well

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