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Adoption
Adopting 2 older children with a baby on the way...should we wait?
I currently work with CPS and am interested in adopting 2 older children (9 and 6) on my case load who's plan is adoption but it would be legal risk (parents rights have not been terminated). Of course I have not said anything to anyone about this yet, other then my husband. My husband and I are currently pregnant (6 months) with our baby's arrival March 1st. I'd like to hear others ideas of adopting 2 children when you have one on the way (and have no previous parenting experience). Do you think were biting off more then we can chew? Do you think it's fair to everyone?
My husband's trepedation is that we will have a newborn other then that he is on board. He says he's afriad he will give more attention to the new baby then the other 2 kiddos and he says that isn't fair to them.
I think we can do it, will it be hard? OF COURSE. but it will be worth it. You love your children no matter what order they come to you in and I think there would be more then enough attention to go around it would just take a lot of time management and self awareness.
I'd like to hear others opinions on this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Adopting 2 older children with a baby on the way...should we wait?
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
May I ask how long you've been a CPS worker? I only ask because it will help me gauge how much exposure you had to traumatized children.
We recently had a conversation on this board about how we, as prospective adoptive parents, often lull ourselves into believing that we won't have too difficult a time of it and that the "worst case scenario" won't become ours. While it's true that you you necessarily have the worst case, its likely that you will experience difficulties you never imagined.
I can't imagine fostering/adopting two at-risk, older children and thinking that a newborn would take up more attention. I'm truly not saying this to be snarky, and likely my view is colored by the fact that I've never had a newborn, but my son needed so much attention in the beginning it was completely consuming and exhausting. Not only will you be dealing with the shifting of everything in your home, you will be facing their trauma with them.
If you haven't already, I highly recommend you read Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1615215689/ref=oh_o00_s00_i01_details) before making this decision. I have rarely found a book that speaks so honestly about the misconceptions and disappointments that sometimes accompany adoption.
Then it sounds like you both know what adopting these children could mean, in terms of how difficult it could be. In the end, other than cautioning you to really evaluate if you think you are able to take on that much change and instability all at the same time, I don't think there's anyone out there that can tell you if it's a good idea or not. If you truly feel called to do this, only you and your husband can know if its right for your family.
Either way, I wish you all the best.
Thats why I think a newborn would be more challenging. Working with kids like that for such a long time, it becomes easier to deal with the behaviors then the unknown of a newborn. I think we are going to continue to think/pray on it and hopefully by next month come to a decision because I don't want to be impulsive which at times I can do. Thank you for the book recomendation and your advice! I appreciate it.
I'm glad. I'm really not trying to scare you away from it, as I completely understand being called to take on certain situations. Many people in my life have suggested that my husband and I might be rushing into our second adoption, but we similarly feel called.
My post was really more from the view of the conversation we had a couple weeks ago, where a few of us admitted that we expected that things would be easier, even though we had fully educated ourselves on the possibilities and our situations were far from the worst cases. Like you, I tend to get really excited about possibilities, and sometimes need my husband to ground me and remind me that while we probably could manage in any given situation, part of why we are adopting is to enrich our lives, and that if we are always struggling, then maybe we've fallen short in our decision. Does that make any sense?
Any of the women who were here while we were in the process the first time around is likely to remember the way I agonized over waiting child files, because I'd repeatedly really want to bring a child or sibling set home, but we knew that in reality, it was beyond our abilities or really stretching our comfort zone. Which is why I say, that provided you really look at the situation realistically, this truly is something that only you and your husband can know.
I too work in social services and to give a good answer, how long have the two foster children been in your home?
Sorry for the confusion. I do not have any foster children. I worked for a therapeutic foster care agency after graduating with my Masters.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
I sincerely caution you in this decision. Having experienced childbirth and then bringing home my DD only 3 months later was incredibly difficult. The sleep deprivation alone would be enough to say no. I had a difficult recovery from labor and was limited in what I could physically do as well. My newborn did not sleep and instead ate all the time. This all put me into PPD.
Then just as I was starting to feel better, my DD came home (she was 7 months old). She didn't sleep well because she felt uncertain about the new place and I felt overwhelmed because her needs were so different than my 3 month old. I struggled to bond with her because my 3 month old was so demanding. I felt incredibly frustrated and in over my head. This all put me into PAD.
It took 6 months to feel better and in the mean time I didn't bond with my DD. She was about 14 months old before I really felt like she was 'mine' and felt motherly toward her.
Obviously you and I are different people and we respond differently to situations. It sounds like you know that older children coming from foster care will need extra attention, time, and bonding with you. I think you will be severely limited in energy and emotional availability with a newborn on your hands. I hated having to choose between my two children in terms of time and bonding. They both needed me and often at the same time. I can't imagine doing that by three ways, with two of the children needing a lot of emotional support.