If you could tell your 1 year TTC self...

katib77 · November 2011

I struggled early this morning with a post that was just a typical intro. One we've seen every day on this board. But for some reason today it hurt. My bitterness started to rise. Someone reminded me, that if someone had told me back when we were just starting to test the long hard road ahead, they'd want to curl into a ball and cry. This struck me, because - admittedly I felt that way anyway back when I first started testing and got the news; MFI. In fact I DID curl up into a ball and cry! Someone with experience in IF, telling the same would probably hurt, but again it's not like it wasn't a thought already in my head. But I understand the sentiment...no one wants to be also then slapped in the face with: This could take a looooong time! The reality is harder to hear then the hope that lives in all of us. Deep down I think we all had that fear when we first started having trouble. But I know in all of us burns that fire of hope.

But if you could tell yourself something when you were first starting the road of IF, based on what you've learned from that point to this....what would it be?

katib77 · November 2011

I think of all the things I could tell myself... there are only a few that stick out the most.

1) try to get all the testing you can posibly get done in one cycle. That way you'll have all the answers at once. We did them slowly over three months and streching out that uncertainty just created more anxiety.

2) Be real about how to pay for it if you don't have insurance coverage for IF. Looking back, I relied too much on believing the first treatment cycle would work. If I had planned better from when we hit the 1 year mark we would be further ahead now. Hindsight is 20/20 of course but still. If I had planned for worst case scenario, I would have been better off. And still happy if it worked the first cycle, but just prepared financially.

3) Find an outlet for your pain quickly. Know that this board will help alot but you also need to be able to talk openly with your husband and at least one other person IRL (at least that's my opinion). Also it helps if you have a hobby as a way to get away - workout, read books, cook, blog, etc but there needs to be something you can do when you need to just do anything to get off google.

and with that, I think this will be a post & run, I really should be getting to bed. Will read what you ladies think tomorrow AM.

Mrs.Slick · November 2011

Don't stress so much now - save it for later. I was SO stressed out in the beginning and looking back there was no reason for it comparatively speaking.

I would stress about what I was eating, have "OMG I forgot my PNV for one day" freak outs and I would judge others for their decisions regarding IF treatments (choosing no monitoring, etc).

I've learned that I should just live my life, reasonably of course, and not judge others as much. As long as they're informed, it's not my decision and their decisions shouldn't stress me out.

Mrs.Slick · November 2011

I would also tell myself to go to a support group sooner. I think mine and DH's relationship suffered a little bit b/c I was having trouble losing control of my emotions.

I would also tell myself to save more money.

Chongo300 · November 2011

I would tell myself not to jump to conclusions, until all testing is done. Also, to not obsess so much during the 2WW.

tst1998 · November 2011

Don't give up coffee. It's not worth it.

But seriously...

1) don't give up things you love. this could be a long road and you need those things to keep you sane. and really, they aren't the reason you can't get pregnant. if crack whores can get KU, coffee and jogging is not your problem.

2) therapy. sooner rather than later.

3) this is hard on DH too. make sure you talk to him, and more importantly, make sure you listen to him.

4) HSAs are great if you are OOP. get one, max it out, and pay for all your treatments pre-tax.

5) talk about it. if your friends know what is going on, they can be your biggest cheerleaders.

Mitzi Bishi · November 2011

- Listen to your gut and don't trust what doctors say just because they are doctors. You can become knowledgeable in an area and research it, too. Sadly I now thing my obgyn is an idiot.

- Having education is essential in making good decisions and you're your own best advocate. This is your health, so fight for it.

- Be willing to be vulnerable. I still fight with this. We still are in the TTC closet and even deeper in the IF closet. My mom is the only one who knows we're fighting this, while abroad, so it's 2x as isolating.

- Having too much hope in ART can leave you devastated. I get tired of reading people's overly optimistic "I won't call it IVF #1, because I only want to go through it once". We all do... but it doesn't always work like that.

- To be sensitive to others struggles. If you think clomid is a big deal imagine how difficult it is to be at the end of the IVF-ICSI rope and then come whining about it.

- Unfortunately not everyone has a happy ending and those women still need to have a voice and not get pushed off as "dramatic, pessimistic, emotional, or bitter".

- Try to do things you enjoy and invest yourself in them, because over time they are harder and harder to find. It's easy for the passion for life and feeling purposeful to get sucked out of you with IF.

amd1982 · November 2011

1. Lean on family and friends (true friends) who will support you, let you cry on their shoulder, and freak out when you need to freak

2. Don't tell people when you and DH decide you want a baby. Then everyone seems to know you're trying and it's an elephant in the room

3. Be your own advocate - demand testing to be done in one cycle (I did this and it cut down on my anxiety so it's definitely something I'd recommend to newbies). An RE or OB isn't going to fight for you to get HSG, CD3, U/S etc. Only we know our bodies, and if you have a premonition something is wrong, don't back down

4. Join a support group or see someone - I'm still struggling with this because I go through bouts of ups and downs. Sometimes I'm in denial and just go about my daily business, but other times it really hits me (e.g. announcements on FB) and I just crumble. I think seeing someone to talk about how I'm feeling would ease those feelings...

hootie123 · November 2011

1. Do not expect this to be quick or easy - and if it is be so very thankful.

2. Joint a support group or go to therapy - sooner rather than later.

3. Do your research and don't be afraid to ask questions to your doctor.

4. Don't waste your time at an OB/gyn - go straight to an RE.

lincoln79 · November 2011

we are at 1 year ttc and it is helpful to read these thoughts. just know they are truly appreciated!

MandaS08 · November 2011

Don't expect life to be fair. No, its not fair you're having to go through this-but that doesn't change anything. Accept this as your reality and move foward.

Stop trying to plan your future and deal with today. Month after month I would figure out when my EDD would be. Months when my EDD would be in Dec or Jan I was actually bummed b/c I didn't want a baby born during those month. Looking back I realize how stupid I was.

eponine7682 · November 2011

I would want to be told to not have high expectations of treatment results. If I had been told that IUI really doesn;t have a high success rate, I would have thought twice about working towards doing IUI instead of moving to IVF.

I also like what pps said: Live you life like normal until you actually get a bfp. Get all tests done at once. Know who your outlets are.

Oh! And I would also not tell as many people as I did what we were going through. That hopeful part of me thought that once we had a dx and a treatment plan we would get KU right away. HA! now a year and a half later it's embarrassing to know that some of the people we told know we are still going through all this.

TJ1979 · November 2011

1) Get support. No matter how tough you are, you can't do this alone. Whether it's a board like this, a support group, or a therapist, you can't shoulder this burden alone. And as wonderful as your husband is, you need someone else too.

2) I would have liked to have known how much better people we would become through this. It's like a silver lining on this terrible storm cloud, but I feel good knowing how much more considerate we are now of what other people might be going through.

Mrs.McIrish · November 2011

I think you ladies have it very well covered. I wish I had told myself not to try to sooth myself with food. I have gained a ton of weight throughout this process because I was depressed with my DOR dx and the unlikely chance of me getting pg. So, I ate to make myself feel better just for that moment. It didn't work and now I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I wish I had never let it get out of control. I see lots of posts about people suggesting treats to get through treatments and I would caution anyone against TOO many treats, especially if you have a propensity to gain weight.

With this said, I am charging my ipod so I will go back to the gym this weekend for the first time in forever.

katib77 · November 2011

TJ1979:

2) I would have liked to have known how much better people we would become through this. It's like a silver lining on this terrible storm cloud, but I feel good knowing how much more considerate we are now of what other people might be going through.

I love this statement! I do feel like I have become stronger, more compasionate, etc!

Thanks ladies for all the responces. And Lincoln, I'm glad you think this is helpful. I was a little hesitant about posting it.

farmerlynda · November 2011

1) This might be cheeky, but I would have warned myself about all the people I know who would be getting pregnant before me. I just went to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in a while earlier this week, and when she answered the door she was sporting a baby bump. Would have been nice to have a clue before visiting her house.

2) I would tell myself to listen to the ladies on this board and get a second opinion earlier, since I didn't like the local RE from the get-go.

I'm clearly in a grumpy IF mood this morning, and not a wise guru sort of mood... Everyone else is being so much more eloquent and wise than I am!

psubride1012 · November 2011

Mrs.McIrish:

I wish I had told myself not to try to sooth myself with food.

Seriously! I thought that I was going to KU within the first few months, so I stopped worrying about what I was eating and not exercising as much...a year and a half and 20 lbs. later, I wish I had taken better care of myself.

I would tell myself to live for today and stop living for the future; something that I still struggle to do right now. I am a type-A, impatient (yet driven) person, so it's hard to accept that I can't "make" this happen when I want it to!

And totally agree with those that said not to jump to conclusions and get therapy sooner.

Robeano · November 2011

I agree with everything you ladies said. And for me personally

1) Don't let your career suffer cuz you think you're gonna get KU soon and don't feel like starting in a new position for only 8 months. (yeah after a year of not being pg I got a new position and have been there for almost a year )

2) Eat heathy and lose weight, it is the only thing that you can control that will increase your success rate

3) Don't wish the years away or you will wake up one day depressed and realize you just wished away almost two years. Spend time with you DH, enjoy the things you won't be able to later. As a country song says "you're gonna miss this"

WifeofMrA · November 2011

I'd tell my 1 year TTC self to get to a RE quicker. After one yr TTC, my OBGYN did all the testing for us in one cycle..all BW, HSG, and SA. She told us everything seemed normal and there was nothing glaringly wrong. We decided to give it another 4-5 months of trying with obviously no luck and then went to a RE. The only good thing is that they just repeated BW and had my HSG and DH's SA, which put us a step ahead.

But, I kind of kick myself..we should've just gotten the ball rolling. We went with the attitude of..nothing is wrong, these things take time.

lovin life23 · November 2011

never, never. never, NEVER test before the 2WW is over....I only knew I could test early when I did get pg in May b/c my 7dpo progesterone came back so high my obgyn told me she thinks based on that number I might be pregnant so I tested at 11 dpo...but otherwise.............dont bother!!!

also.....save $ b/c you WILL need it one day for $ meds and all these dang appts/blood work...just save it....

and last....I would tell myself to listen to your intuition, rely on God for guidance, yes but also go with your gut..although I feel like I have done that thus far it just took me going through 3 obgyn's to find the one I love and who is actually LISTENING to me

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