Introduction

Lnande2 · November 2011

Hello Everyone, I have been lurking for awhile now and I'd really like to join your community. My ex bf and I split up last May due to his lies, control issues, and verbal and physical abuse. He has made threats to me, my family members, friends, and friends of my parents. I had a high risk pregnancy due to preterm labor and was on bed rest from the beginning of July up until I had my DS Oct 16th. My ex bf (DS's father)is very eager to establish paternity and wants joint custody/parenting. He even is paying for a DNA test and will get the results back within 24 hours. We had mediation on Tuesday with our attorneys and have agreed to go to co-parenting counseling and a visitation schedule, that I am not ok with, has been outlined for the next two weeks. I will be allowed to be present for the first two visitations but not the others. He will have 2-3 hours of visitation on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. Tomorrow, he has to come to my house for one hour to meet my DS tomorrow and he is bringing his mother and my mother will be here as well. If I could have things my way, my ex bf would not be involved at all. I fear for my DS's safety and well-being. I am scared that my ex bf will become frustrated with my colicky baby and harm him. I am scared to death. I have made my concerns known and it doesn't seem to matter. My attorney seems to think that my ex will get even more visitation privileges if this is settled in court and I do not want that. I filed an EPO/DVO last August and it was dismissed. The same judge that dismissed it would hear the case in regards to this custody battle. No matter what my ex does, he always seems to get what he wants. I want what is best for my DS. I am breastfeeding him and my ex expects me to use a breast pump and supply him with milk. I am already going to have to supply my DS's childcare provider with milk and don't know how I will be able to supply him with milk too.I am extremely sick about this whole mess and just wish my ex would leave us alone. I know there are mothers out there that would welcome involvement from their child's father but I know how abusive my DS's father is and I am very concerned. I don't see how it is okay for him to take my one month old baby boy for visitation without me being there. The visitations will be supervised by my ex's mother but I don't necessarily trust her either. Also, I am very scared that he will be awarded overnight visitation in the next few months. How old is a child usually before a father can take their child for overnight visits? I feel like I am leaving out so much but there is enough drama to write a novel.

PrincessFiona9 · November 2011

Hang in there! Maybe you should consider getting a new lawyer who understands your concerns and will fight harder on your behalf.

Also, overnights are usually not granted until LO is 18-24 months, depending on where you live.

Lnande2 · November 2011

I really hope that it will be a long time before overnights begin. I'm also wondering if my attorney cares about my concerns and am thinking about seeking other legal help. I've heard some parents say that they get used to not having their child around all the time but I don't think I could ever get used to it. Ugh, I am hating this!!

ChunkyMunkey · November 2011

I would definitely seek other legal help. Your lawyer doesn't seem like he cares at all for your wants/needs nor that of your son's. There is no way I would agree to a schedule like that either, especially with the abuse part of it. (One large reason I am grateful my H is in prison).

I don't recall whether or not you said EX was a part of your pregnancy. I am not totally sure but if he has been MIA until now and all of a sudden wants this crazy visitation schedule, I don't really see a judge agreeing to these terms.....especially with the fact you are BFing.

Definitely seek a different attorney ASAP and keep us updated. Good luck!!

Lnande2 · November 2011

My ex was only a part of my pregnancy for 3 months. We broke up, he moved out, and started dating someone a month later. I was put on bed rest because my cervix was shortening and I had to have my contractions stopped several times during my pregnancy. He was not there during any of this but was aware of what was going on. My attorney also told me that she didn't think my ex would have to pay for any of the prenatal visits to the dr or hospital. I had to have bi- weekly ultrasounds and eventually had so many that my insurance stopped covering them. Is this normal that he wouldn't be responsible to pay half of the prenatal medical bills? I thought that he would have to pay half of everything from the pregnancy but my attorney told me that he will only have to pay half of everything from my DS's date of birth and anything there after.I only want child support IF he gets visitation/any rights. I'd rather do this on my own so I can be sure that my DS is safe.I will definitely talk to another attorney. During the mediation we had on Tuesday, I felt bullied by my ex's lawyer and honestly felt like I was representing myself. I felt as though most of the discussion was handled by me and his lawyer. My ex sat there like an idiot with his head in his hands - playing the victim card and then interrupting me and not letting me finish what I was saying. His lawyer was mean and nasty. My attorney didn't say much at all. I've been crying for the last 3 days now because the thought of my DS being alone with him makes me sick. I have to get a grip so I can take care of him to the best of my ability. I know that he can sense when I am stressed and upset. My ex gets to meet my DS for the first time at 7 pm tomorrow and I am dreading it. I've got to get it together and be as strong as I can for my DS so I can protect him. It's just so hard when you are worried sick.

BostonGayGal · November 2011

I notice everyone saying that maybe this lawyer isn't fighting for you. That is a possibility. Without more information it is hard to tell, but a second opinion may well help.

The harsh reality is that you engaged in behavior that got you pregnant with a horrible man. That horrible man has equal rights to his child under the law unless the two of you agree otherwise, or a court decides otherwise. There is very little reason for him to voluntarily give up his rights, and there is nothing a court can do to limit his involvement without convincing evidence that he would hurt his child. It is true that many men who hurt women do not hurt their children. Weird, but true.

The bad news is that you are stuck being a co-parent with this man for 20+ years and there is nothing you or a court can do to make him less horrible. The good news is that you can at least get a second legal opinion to be sure that you are getting the best deal you can for your son.

Time will also likely help. He may be fighting to be involved to control and intimidate you. His actual interest in the not-so-glamourous role of parenting may well dissolve as soon as he experiences it. I hope for you that this is the case.

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