Dear Bumpies, Past Bumpies, and Hopeful-to-be Bumpies,
I have had the biggest break through ever and I really wanted to share the story of my journey thus far.
About two years ago I realized I wasn't getting any younger and my clock's persistent ticking had put me into baby crazy mode. Every visit from AF the clock would tick twice as loud as it did the previous month. More like baby insanity.I couldn't look at my bf, pee, walk three feet, or breathe with out thinking "baby." I started to HATE my friends who were getting married, having children, or having abortions. Drunken nights, sober nights, quiet nights, busy nights all I wanted to talk about and try to do was convince my boyfriend that it's okay to have a kid now. Like, right in this very moment. I'm not proud to admit it but he was drugged through babycrazy hell.
I've been making family plans since I was 11. Suddenly, when my timeline said it was time to rumble it seemed like I could get nothing I wanted. My iron is too low (yes, I eat Total, take a multivitamin every day, have a high iron diet, and take SSS Tonic every other day and have been doing so since I was 16; I never miss a beat but I still can't get my iron levels above 11.9) so I'm not allowed to have an at home birth like I always dreamed. My bf hates the idea of living in a suburban neighborhood as I always anticipated doing.
Oh and the excited partner thing, you know where if you told him you were pregnant and he hugs you and tells you how happy he is that we're going to be parents together... you'd be more successful convincing a Tom cat to go for a swim. When we talked about having a child he would talk like it would be the worst thing that could ever happen and how he wanted to wait until he turned 35 to start having kids (He's 24 now). He made it seem like having a kid would crush his soul. About a month after this statement he then proceeded to ttc. I was so alarmed. Did you just...? Yeah? Oh okay. Oh this time too? And the next time... and the next time. When I finally caught on to what he was doing I finally felt at peace. Finally my lover was my partner and we were about to embark on a journey together; I got so ampted up I started really planning for our future. We were finally humming the same tune. WRONG! After four months of ttc, (at the time I was 21) he openly contested that he wasn't actually ttc and explaining to me that he was doing it just to get me off and "couldn't have a kid right now" (weird... he always gets his happy ending after I do).
All I could think about was becoming my lover's biggest regret. I hated myself. I hated my feelings. I hated opening up to him. I hated having dreams.
I stopped everything. I kept my feelings to myself. My worries became my only friend. I became a depressed blob. I had to make the choice, to risk being a disappointment to the one I loved for someone I haven't met or to be fulfilled in my life while I could still do so naturally. It got to a point where I was beating myself up o hard mentally that happiness made me sad. I was telling myself that I had to make a choice between living my dream or being with the love of my life. He gets EVERYTHING he want's in the damn relationship, I feel like the only one who has to sacrifice when it matters is me. I'm not that girl. I'm the modern self-righteous, my way or the high way girl. I pride myself on living my life fulfilled and with out restraints. I hated the person I saw myself as. I started seeing a councilor. I got a dog because everyone was telling me that it was supposed to be so much responsibility. Turns out he wasn't enough responsibility. My depression did subside now that I had a buddy but I began to want more. More specifically babies. I was baby crazed again but different.
My thoughts were filled with how to get my family & giving birth. I considered single motherhood, being a surrogate mother, tricking him, getting pregnant by someone else (Sick, I know), going to my best guy friend for baby gravy. I wanted to keep the bf in my life but I needed to have this family or grow old and regret not fighting for my family.
At this time I subconsciously grew angry at my bf for putting me in this situation. It was his fault he wasn't ready for the excuses he'd been feeding me. He knew since they day we met my family goals and timeline if he wanted to keep this relationship long term he should have gotten his act together when he realized he loved me.
After years and years of feeling like a nut job for wanting a child there was a breakthrough. We landed on the same page. Yesterday after a session of playing the piano he wanted to talk seriously. He and I have decided to take the next year to get our bodies in peak ttc health before we start trying formally October 3rd 2012.