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When parenting styles differ drastically? (long)
So, DH is pretty much the most "I want to give you whatever you want to make you happy" person in the history of ever. This is not such a great thing when you have a toddler. DD is SO much harder to handle when DH is around. She whines more. She says "NO!" more. She cries more. etc.
Take this morning. DH and DD are in the kitchen hunting for breakfast for her. She is saying "no" to everything offered. For like five minutes. He finally tells her he has to go finished getting dressed and that she should figure out what she wants. She says, "No Daddy, don't go get dressed." He says, "But I have to, baby. I'll come right back." She says, "No Daddy, DON'T go get dressed." He says, "Baby, I have to finish getting ready so I can go to work," and he starts to walk toward the bedroom. She screams, "DADDY, GET IN THE KITCHEN! GET IN THE KITCHEN RIGHT NOW!" and he turns around and goes back to the kitchen and says, "Okay, I'm back in the kitchen, but can I please go finished getting dressed??" and of course, she says, "No!"
I walk out and she says, "No mommy! You don't get to come into the kitchen!" and I say in a very stern voice, "DD, you do NOT get to talk to mommy and daddy like that. You need to be polite." and she quiets down and drinks her cup of milk while DH goes to get ready and I get her something to eat. Done and done.
I don't want to criticize DH in front of DD, but godalmighty, I feel like his approach with her is not only totally wrong, but incredibly ineffective. It takes them ten minutes to get done what I get done with her in two. And quite frankly it's making her act like a brat because he totally lets her run the show. I have talked ad nauseum with DH about this, and he nods and says I'm right, but it's like he doesn't have it in him to change. And then he reaches his breaking point with her and snaps at her or slams his hand on the table and she gets scared and cries and then we all feel like sh!t.
Soooo. After all that. Do you and your DH's parenting styles differ drastically? What do you do in those situations when one of you feel very strongly that the other is doing things all wrong? It's not like folding laundry or doing her hair, where I can just laugh at the wrongness of it and let it slide, you know?
Dear Bump: You suck.
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Re: When parenting styles differ drastically? (long)
Hmm. Do you have any parenting books? Would your DH read one if you did find one that addressed some of your concerns (or just about raising toddlers in general?) Or you could read it and go over pertinent parts together. I know when we disagree on things, sometimes I need an "expert" to get involved and mediate.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
Why not? No one is getting hurt and the only negative outcome out of the specific example you gave is that your DH will be late to work. Maybe after being late to work once or twice (or however many times it takes), your DH will realize that he needs to be a little more firm with A and take control a little more to make things happen in a reasonable amount of time.
I've come to realize that no matter how many times I talk to DH about a "better" way of handling things {even if he 100% agrees that I'm right} that it never sticks with him. He almost always has to figure it out himself.
As for the NoNoNo-ing and "bratty" behavior -- I chalk it up to part of what happens when you have a 2 year old at home. IMO one or two instances (a day) where your kid throws a fit and/or behaves less than desirably doesn't mean that they are going to act that way all the time.
I dunno. I guess because it's become such an entrenched pattern of interaction between the two of them, which is a greater negative outcome than just him being late. Like, I'll be home with the kids, hanging out, having fun, everyone happy, and DH will get home and DD will start crying/whining. Immediately. Or she'll pitchafit when around him, and when I remove her from the situation, she'll immediately stop crying and be chipper. She's learned that if she escalates, he steps to her fiddle, so to speak.
(A) he's really bummed about that, and we've talked a LOT about why it is that way and ways to have it not be that way, (B) she starts to think that she can talk to others and treat others the way she talks to and treats him, and that is just not acceptable. I would also have a problem if she were hitting or pushing him in frustration and he was not only not addressing the behavior, but teaching her that she'll get her way if she does these things, you know?
I have no idea how to handle it other than to step in and stop the situation in action so that DH can see the other option and how easily things get solved, then talk about it later. Of course DH then gets defensive..so I don't really have an answer but I can commiserate.
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I've been thinking about this one all morning and here's what I've come up with. What if you give Rssn a strategy, not just telling him "you need to do better"? Like telling him to give her a choice between A and B, not every possible option. Ex: You can have oatmeal for breakfast or you can have waffles. Which would you like? If she pitches a fit tell him to give her a choice: You can either eat breakfast happily or you can be sad and throw a fit. When you're done with your fit we can have a happy breakfast. Then he has to "man up" and walk away if she chooses to be upset. That way she knows that in the end she will have to do what he wants her to, not what she can make him do. But she still has a bit of control--she gets to choose breakfast and she gets to choose how she behaves.
Sometimes it's easy to get caught in the moment and try to assuage the situation rather than nipping the problem in the bud, especially when you're not sure how to keep the situation from escalating. Try giving him a strategy for dealing with her demands and see if that works.
I like it. I've attempted something like this in the past (not so explicitly) and unfortunately it's the "manning up and walking away" part that gets him every time. It's just so against his nature to allow anyone to be upset.
Damn him and his big, bleeding heart.
We have a similar dynamic in our house. It drives me batty. DH doesn't take well to direct advice from me. He usually feels attacked and gets defensive. So my most recent way of handling it is to step in when I see it and tell DD, "you don't talk to daddy like that." etc and try to coach her through nicer behavior--all in front of him. The hope is that he'll see it and think "oh yeah, I shouldn't let her push me around like that." I wish I could say it's working, but...yeah. DD pretty much gets her way with him all the time, and not through nice behavior either.
I wish I had better advice, but at least I can tell you that I feel your pain!
I would be really bothered by this, as well.
I think you're right not to criticize him in front of her--that never goes over well in our house.
Here's how I would approach it with my DH--this may or may not work for y'all.....I'd look at it like any other disagreement in the marriage. You've talked about it and he agrees that something needs to change and says he will work on it, then doesn't. That just doesn't work in any situation really and it breaks trust and is, frankly, very irritating. So I would express my frustration to him that he knows he needs to change, says he will and hasn't made any steps towards it. I would want an action plan--what is he going to do and he can start with baby steps--to make the changes that y'all are both committed to. What does he need from you to help carry out that action plan? (Ideas, role play, video their interactions, a book....) What does he want your response to be when you see him not holding up his end of the plan?
Hope that helps!
I offer DH a "script" and he takes it, I'd like to think because he acknowledges my expertise in what I do for a living but I bet it has more to do with my bigfatgreekwedding approach. The part where the mom tells her daugher "the man is the head of the house, but the woman is the neck and the neck can turn the head any way she wants".
I do a lot of "in that situation I tend to do this and it works" or "I have that problem too and this is what I tried but it wasn't so great, any ideas on it?" The latter being the part that I get him to think about his strategy and actually verbalize it w/ me (and by golly we have a real conversation about it) I'll model a lot and always offer his help when he catches me being inconsistent. The same goes for DD, I tend to offer her choices so she feels she has some control while I maintain control over what choices to give her.
You are most impressive with how you direct/redirct the kiddos. For example when DD starts whining about something you are fantastic about saying "Hey aggieoj DD, what about helping me with this" I love watching you with the kids - I think giving your DH some "scripts" will help him get started. He has some big shoes to fill.