Any experience with death of a grandparent when kids are young?

northernvabride · November 2011

So, FIL just found out he has cancer and it has spread all over his body. They gave him 3 months - 1 year to live, depending on how well chemo works. So, we have a little time to prepare for his passing. He lives about an hour away and we see him every other month or so for dinner or birthday/family parties. DD#1 is 3 and DD#2 is 18 months old. I assume this will only be something that DD#1 will remember (both his visits and his passing). So, has anyone had to deal with this before? I assume we'll see him more than we have been, or at least DH and his brothers will, since I don't know what condition he will be in. Do we tell the girls he is sick? I assume so. Don't know about the death part - do we just wait until after he passes and say he won't be around anymore because he died? DD#1 has heard of the concept of death in some of her books - Cindarella's mom is dead and then her dad dies, hence the evil stepmother takes over, so DD knows Cindarella doesn't have parents anymore. I am not that close to FIL, but it just breaks my heart for DH and the girls, and our unborn child who will never know his/her grandfather. And these crazy pg hormones have me all choked up about this whole thing. Any advice would be great. TIA.

Sofka · November 2011

I am so sorry

I think you should go to the library and get some books on the subject, there might even be books for your DDs to read to understand more about it

LindseyJW · November 2011

oh dear, i'm so sorry this is happening to your family. i hope that your FIL enjoys whatever time he has left in the comfort of friends and family is able to pass peacefully, without pain.

we explained death to our son, who was slightly older than your oldest, this way: that sometimes people get very very sick and the only way for them to get better is to go to Heaven. we explained that Heaven was a beautiful place where the person wouldn't have to be sick anymore and could be happy again. but that once the person went to Heaven, they could never come back. we explained that sometimes, the people who don't get to go with them would be very sad, because they couldn't be with/hug/talk to their loved one anymore, but that anytime they missed the person, they could talk to them in their heart.

then he went to DC, gave the phone to DCP and told her to call Heaven in her heart and talk to her parents (the anniversary of their death had just passed and she was sad).

at just 3, he got it. we continue to talk about it every now and then, b/c i want him to be prepared and you just never know what life has in store for you.

ETA: i also want to add, in light of response below about sharing and not hiding, that my parents sort of hid death from us as kids. when my great grandmother died, whom i was very close to, no one really told me (and i was 12). i didn't know she was sick, i didn't know she was dying, i wasn't told about the funeral until after it happened. i'm still mad at my mother for this. i absolutely believe children should be offered the opportunity to be part of the family and understand what is going on.

amh_navyblue · November 2011

We just went through this a few weeks, two times over. FIL died the same week that my grandmother died. Though my grandmother was the older one, her death was more sudden, so that was hard for me, but since DD only met her great-grandmother once, that was really the least of our issues, so to speak.

FIL was diagnosed with cancer earlier in the summer, went through 6 weeks of treatment, it was determined that it was inoperable and therefore terminal and we thought we had about a year. In a matter of a few days, he developed some other complications and things went bad, quickly. My DDs are 5 and 21 months.

A couple of things:

1. Definitely a good idea to find some resources at the library or from DD's preschool (if she attends one) so that you have something to talk from and so that you get a sense of what kind of information she can relate to at her age.

2. I am a big proponent of talking about the whole thing---grandpa being sick and the likely reality that he will die soon. While you don't want to scare a little kid or overwhelm them with information, I don't think anyone benefits from hiding things. When FIL started to feel unwell this summer (he lived out of town--in FL), we told DD#1 and told her that he needed our prayers. We talked about him not feeling well and we encouraged DD to talk to him on the phone. When things got more serious in August and September, we told DD that Grandpa was very sick and explained the basics of how cancer works.

When things got really bad in October, DH went down to FL to help his mom manage things with his dad and I took videos of the girls on a daily basis and sent them, partly to help cheer DH/MIL/FIL up and partly to provide the opportunity for the girls to "do" something for their grandpa. I also got some books from her kindergarten teacher about death and we read those.

Ultimately we made the decision to take the girls down to FL to see their grandpa (who by this time was at home under hospice care). My nephews (who are all under the age of DD#1) also came. So DD saw her grandpa and saw how sick he was, but she also had the chance to talk to him. When we got back from our trip, we talked a lot about how grandpa was going to die and go be with God. We talked about how we would miss him. We talked about the things we would remember about him--the things that he enjoyed doing with her and how it was important that she remember those things and share them with her sister, who wouldn't be old enough to remember.

When FIL died, we took both girls to the funeral. My SIL did not bring her boys, partly because of their ages (they are both under 3) and partly because she had in-laws in WI who could take care of them. We didn't have the option of leaving the girls with anyone and frankly, I don't think I would have, even if we did. My MIL wasn't so sure that we should let DDs see the open casket (she related how when she was young, death was talked about as this scary and awful thing--which to me is clear demonstration of why you need to talk to kids at a level they can understand and not hide things from them), but DH's and my take was that DD#1 should have the option. If she was uncomfortable or freaked out, we certainly weren't going to force anything, but at the same time we weren't going to make a big production out of it.

In the end, she was very curious to see everything and wasn't freaked out at all by seeing her grandpa. What was hard for her was seeing everyone else's response. As soon as she saw MIL, SIL, BIL, DH and the rest of us having an emotional response at the funeral and crying, she got pretty emotional herself. She's a very empathetic little girl and clearly this kind of situation had a big impact on her.

I feel really good about the approach that we took. It was (and still is) a really hard time--lots of emotion and lots of stress. To have tried to hide all of that from DD or just gloss over it would have seemed really disingenuous. I wanted to give DD the opportunity to ask questions and to trust her to understand a little of what was going on. She has asked questions and talks about it pretty freely.

Your daughter's personality and your own (and DH's) reaction to the situation will obviously play a role in the best way to handle the situation for you and your family. Another element is the role that religion and a belief in heaven plays in your life--because of our faith, that was a big part of our discussion with DD, but that may not be the case for you.

HTH. My prayers and thoughts with you and your family--as you said, even though you are not super close to FIL, it's that loss for your kids and for your DH that is so heartbreaking. Hang in there!

Hey Jellisy · November 2011

First, I am so sorry for you and your family. I know we are all at the age where we are starting to lose parents, but it makes me so sad to contemplate it. I hope this last year with your FIL is one you will both remember and cherish.

You got some great advice here. One of DDs friends mom recently lost a baby and we talked about it a lot with DD (32 months). She understood more than I thought she would and when I initially told her, she told me that the mom must be sad. I think honesty is important. Death has also been a part of our larger talk about the seasons. The flowers dying, watching our pumpkin decompose. We spend a lot of time talking about life starting (planting things together, having babies), I think the balance of discussing death in an equally age appropriate way is important as well.

amh_navyblue · November 2011

Hey Jellisy:
One of DDs friends mom recently lost a baby and we talked about it a lot with DD (32 months). She understood more than I thought she would and when I initially told her, she told me that the mom must be sad. I think honesty is important. Death has also been a part of our larger talk about the seasons. The flowers dying, watching our pumpkin decompose. We spend a lot of time talking about life starting (planting things together, having babies), I think the balance of discussing death in an equally age appropriate way is important as well.

I know I already wrote a lot (fresh on the mind), but this is great advice as well--the whole idea that death is part of life is a good teaching moment, so to speak.

Also you might want to be prepared that the next time DD hears about someone being sick (regardless of the severity) that she might wonder if that person is going to die. I haven't had this experience with DD, but another friend of mine did.

SoonToBeMrsDTS · November 2011

I am so sorry that you all are going through this. It must be such a hard time for your DH and his family.

RIght now my grandfather, who is local and we visit a lot, is in hospice care as well as my great aunt who my children also see regularly. Maybe it's a little easier because they are both very old, 94 and 102. We have been explaining to the kids that they are very old and soon they will need to go to heaven. We have talked about what heaven is like and how we can't see people in heaven again while we are alive. I bought them a book called God Gave Us Heaven. It's a Christian book but I know there are others that are not affiliated with a certain religion.

I am hoping that it will be easier for them if we talk about it ahead of time. We acknowledge that it will be a sad time but that everyone dies someday. We have also explained that just because someone is old, it doesn't mean that they will die soon and just because someone is sick doesn't mean that they can't get better. We know that Great-Grandpa and Aunt C will probably go to heaven soon because that's what the doctor's have told us and how when they get there they will be able to walk again and not feel sick anymore.

I will take DD to the services, I'm not sure about DS yet. I am not sure he could sit still and be well behaved enough to sit through it.

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