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How have I not learned?!?!

cookie_queencookie_queen
in Infertility Veterans

We have a freaking <1% chance on our own. My cycles run long and are sometimes wonky. And still....

today is CD39 which is long even for me so I allowed myself to hope, thinking it would be so cool to get magically pg on our own the week after the boys birthday. Despite trying to talk myself out of it I convinced myself the boys were going to send us a baby for their birthday. So I POAS.

Yep stark white as I knew it would be.

Cookie=idiot

TTC with severe MFI since 9/08 IVF w/ ICSI #1 May/June 2010= BFP twins
Callan George and Bennett Charles born and died 11/7/10
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
FET #1 April 2011= BFN
FET #2 July 2011= no transfer because my lining sucked
FET #3 February 2012= BFP! 1st beta 9dp5dt=314 2nd beta 11dp5dt=977 1st U/S 3/20 Twins- Heart rates of 111 and 138 Pregnancy Ticker
Living After Losing
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Re: How have I not learned?!?!

  • illinigalillinigal member
    Hugs.  You are not an idiot.  I always tell myself our odds of getting pregnant on our own are better than winning the lottery and yet we still buy lotto tickets when there is a big jackpot.  I hope your angels send you a little one soon.
    TTC #1 since October 2008. Dealing with MFI.
    IVF #1 w ICSI in July 2010 = BFN
    IVF #2.1 in Oct 2010 converted to IUI = BFN
    IVF #2.2 w ICSI in Dec 2010 = BFN
    Met with new RE in new city on 1/31/11.
    IVF #3 w ICSI in April 2011. HPT on 5/9 = BFP!
    Beta #1 on 5/10 (10dp5dt) = 99.4. Beta #2 on 5/12 = 284. First u/s on 5/26. = Fraternal TWINS!
    Twin boys born & lost on 8/16/11 at 18w1d due to PPROM & preterm labor.
    IVF #4.1 in Jan 2012 converted to IUI on 1/7/12 = BFN
    IVF #4.2 w ICSI in Feb 2012. Lupron on 2/10. Stims on 2/18. ER on 2/29- 7R,6F
    ET scheduled for 3/5/12- nothing to transfer :(
    Dh seeing new MFI uro & Dh starting meds- June 2012.
    IVF #5 in Dec 2012 = BFFN.
    IVF #6 planned for Spring 2013. Praying for our take home baby/ies.
    **P/SAIF and P/SAL always welcome!**

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • Edwina.McDunnoughEdwina.McDunnough
    Hugs Cookie! You're not an idiot, you just have hope. 
    +++
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  • thewormstheworms member

    imageEdwina.McDunnough:
    Hugs Cookie! You're not an idiot, you just have hope. 

    ditto

    as long as you have eggs and DH has sperm there is a chance, no matter how small 

    ((HUGS))

    white pee sticks suck balls

    image
    Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, It empties today of its strength. ~Corrie ten Boom
    Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher (thank you beadinglady)

    It's been a long journey. TTC since 9/06. multiple IUI's and IVF's and 4 m/c's. IVF#3 = BFP, twins, induced at 34w6d due to baby b passing away (no explanation). Delivered on 35w1d, Baby A - baby girl, and Baby B - baby boy, our little angel.
    MTHFR A1298C & C677T, Immune Issues and Factor II
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  • mrsgcalmrsgcal
    If I were you I'd do the same thing! You are hanging onto hope, and when all else fails, hope keeps us going. ((HUGS))
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  • etoyamaetoyama member
    imagetheworms:

    imageEdwina.McDunnough:
    Hugs Cookie! You're not an idiot, you just have hope. 

    ditto

    as long as you have eggs and DH has sperm there is a chance, no matter how small 

    ((HUGS))

    white pee sticks suck balls

    All of this! (((HUGS)))
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  • SweetDahliaSweetDahlia
    It's not at all stupid. I totally thought the same thing, but you know it might happen. I see it all the time. Huge hugs to you. BFNs suck and I hate how they really do a number on you month after month.
    PAIF and SAIF Always Welcome!
    TTC since 2007
    6 IUIs, 3 IVFs, and 2 m/c :< PCOS, Blood Clotting Disorder & MFI
    IVF #2 Aug 2011 is a BFN:<
    IVF #3 March 2012 is a BFN
    Not sure what to do now. Sad and lost.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • Delta04Delta04 member
    Lord knows we have all been there - you are far from being an idiot.  Hope does that to all of us... 
    TTC since 3/07. IVF#1 = canceled. IVF#2 = 0% fertilization. IVF#3 = BFN. IVF#4 = c/p.  
    Moving forward with Adoption 2017!
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  • jessican08jessican08 member
    You're not an idiot Cookie. It's not wrong to still have hope. ((HUGS))
    TTC 12/2009
    Me: 32 - Stage II Endo / DH: 36 - Low count and morphology (1%)
    IUIs 1-3 BFN, lap Dec. 2010, IUIs 4-6 BFN
    IVF w/ICSI #1 - ER 2/8: 24R 19M 9F ET 2/13 2-5 day blasts (no frosties) = BFP - b/g twins!
    E & C Born 10/19/2012
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • mdluv21mdluv21

    Hey you never know hon...I thought the same thing.

    It is human nature to hope for a miracle.

    Sorry you had to see that one damn line though.  ((hugs))

    TTC since 07/2009
    Me: PCOS, Blood/Immune Issues DH: Low all 3
    Jun.- Sep. 2010 IUI#1-#3 = BFN
    Oct. 2010 = IVF #1 = B/G Twins (passed away Feb. 2011)
    May 2011 = Myomectomy and trans-abdominal cerclage (TAC)
    Sep. 2011 = Surprise BFP = C/P
    Feb. 2012 = sFET #1 = BFN
    Feb.2012 = Hail Mary IUI #4 = BFN
    April/May 2012 = FET #2 w/our last two embies = BFP (Please let this be it!)
    Beta #1 8dp5/6dt = 234 Beta #2 10dp5/6dt = 695 Beta #3 12dp5/6dt = 1796 Beta #4 17dp5/6dt = 17,888 U/S #1 May 17, 2012 = Twins
    Baby B's heart stop beating at 9 weeks 5 days
    Our little miracle baby is a boy. :)

    Baby Boy Owen and Baby Girl Avery were born too early on Feb. 13, 2011 due to a pedunculated fibroid, incompetent cervix and suspected placental abruption.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    "What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose." - Henry Ward Beecher
    SAIF/PAIF Welcome
    Lots of love and luck to my PAIF/3T/IF Veteran ladies, especially my dear friend Zookie. Congrats to Papps, Teach84 and Starbuck on their little ones.
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  • Faith722Faith722 member

    (((HUGS)))

    I don't think it's dumb to be hopeful.  It sucks sometimes, though.

    IVF #3 = Feb 2012
    beta#1 3/21 (14dp3dt)=413, beta#2 3/23 (16dp3dt)=785, u/s 4/11
    EDD 11/25/12
    **SAIFW** Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • katt3233katt3233 member
    imageEdwina.McDunnough:
    Hugs Cookie! You're not an idiot, you just have hope. 
    This. Hugs! I've been there.
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  • DeputiesWifeDeputiesWife

    we have the same percentage. i still hold on to that hope. you are not an idiot. 

    ::hugs:: 

    TTC #2 since June '08

    ~*DD 10.21.07*~

    dx unexplained

    IUI #1-4 BFN

    IVF#1 June 2011 BFN

    IVF#2 Dec 2011

    Beta#1 12/21 : 812 Beta#2 12/23 : 1634

    EDD 8/25

    *PAIFW/SAIFW*

    Report Reply
  • mm29mm29 member
    imagetheworms:

    imageEdwina.McDunnough:
    Hugs Cookie! You're not an idiot, you just have hope. 

    ditto

    as long as you have eggs and DH has sperm there is a chance, no matter how small 

    ((HUGS))

    white pee sticks suck balls

      Ditto these ladies!  I'm so sorry. 
    ::: Married June 2003:::
    TTC #1 since: Aug. 2008
    Me: 34, DOR, MTHFR-A1298C (heterozygous), decreased blood flow to uterus, Mild Endo
    DH: 38, Balanced translocation 5&10, unexplained MFI, normal SA and SCSA
    Tx History: IUI 1&2= BFN
    IVF# 1 W/ICSI= BFN
    IVF# 2: cancelled d/t no response
    IVF# 3= 1 egg retrieved=immature/not viable
    IVF# 4= c/p
    ***CCRM ODWU***
    Found DHs BT and Me-decreased blood flow to uterus
    Recommended DE IVF w/PGD, incorporate electro-acupuncture. Decided to cycle locally
    ***New RE***
    DE IVF# 1(cycle #6) w/pgd, (freeze all): 30R, 23M, 15F, slow/poor embryo development, 4 biopsied, 1 Normal "Norm"; DE IVF w/PGD, incorporate electro-acupuncture. 
    IVF# 6: (OE/DS) cancelled
    IVF# 7: (OE/DS) 1R, 1M, 1F, arrested day 5
    Plan-DE IVF# 2 (cycle #8): DE/DS in May 2015

    http://icanhazbabyz.blogspot.com/
    imageimage image 
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  • jillmathenyjillmatheny member
    Ugh.  I'm so sorry honey.  I had 50 day cycles, most annovulatory, and I still always hoped.  It's just natural.  Hang in there!!
    <a href="http://s125.photobucket.com/albums/p66/jillmatheny/?action=view
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  • albjagalbjag member

    *Hugs* 


    Surprise BFP after 5 yrs of TTC
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  • reb259reb259 member
    You are human and should not be so hard on yourself!  Hugs!!
    I am AMA and all tests on H came back normal
    3 failed IVF with OE and 2 failed frozen DE cycles
    Last fresh hail mary DE cycle starting Feb 2013
    PAIF/SAIF always welcome
    Report Reply
  • Mayan2011Mayan2011 member
    imagetheworms:

    imageEdwina.McDunnough:
    Hugs Cookie! You're not an idiot, you just have hope. 

    ditto

    as long as you have eggs and DH has sperm there is a chance, no matter how small 

    ((HUGS))

    white pee sticks suck balls

    LOL - This!

    AND having hope is a good thing.  I really hope the next time you POAS you see 2 lines!

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  • bbakersgirl75bbakersgirl75 member
    ((Hugs)) I am so sorry hun. I don't think any of us ever get over that feeling that we could magically concieve naturally.
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  • Mandy_Lou83Mandy_Lou83 member
    So, so sorry. I don't think you are an idiot. ((HUGS))
    After 3 years of infertility we were blessed with twin girls through private infant adoption.
    Forever our's October 17th 2012
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
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  • OrangeSmokeOrangeSmoke member

    You are not an idiot, just human.  And it's human to have hope. 

    Hugs. 

    Me: PCOs DH: Perfect!
    4 Fresh IVF cycles + 1 FET where embies didn't survive the thaw = 2 perfect little men!
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
    sFET 11/9/11 - Beta 11/18 BFP!
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • labbylover03labbylover03 member
    ((hugs))  Don't be so hard on yourself....miracles can and do happen.  Hope is sometimes all we have to keep going.  It's never wrong to have hope!  I pray your angels send you a baby soon.  More ((hugs)).
    image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
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  • cutebride73cutebride73 member
    ((((hugs))))  You are not an idiot - it is completely normal to have hope.  I just hope that your get your miracle soon. 
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