Team green drama

northernvabride · November 2011

So our big U/S is next Monday and DH and I were talking over the weekend about being on team green again (3rd time on team green mostly at my urging). He got a little defensive and said he might want to find out (this is the first I'm hearing any dissent on the decision), but that I didn't have to know. I then said he couldn't tell anyone, not even his mom. He asked why not, I didn't want to know, but MIL does. I said it our's baby/my baby and I don't want someone else knowing before I know.

So a few questions: am I being unreasonable asking him to be on team green for a third time, when he has wanted to find out each time? Has anyone ever had success in one parent finding out the gender and not telling the other? Am I being unreasonable not to want my MIL to know the gender before me, is it my pg hormones talking?

I_love_cupcakes · November 2011

We don't have any experience on the team green part of it, but I would NOT want my MIL to know the gender before I do! Especially MY MIL, who can't keep a secret to save her life!

LindseyJW · November 2011

personally, i don't think anything is unreasonable when it comes to decisions about what's going on in your body. that said, i can see how your H would want to change things up since the first two were TG.

but i also think it's REALLY hard to contain that information. and that much harder for every additional person who knows.

i think you'd need to decide how you would feel if your MIL accidentally slipped and said "where do you want me to put her/his...?" while helping you put away new baby things, or something like that.

we were TG with both babies. #1 at my urging. #2 at DH's (i was gladly TG, but if he'd wanted to know, i'd gladly have found out, too!). if there is a #3, we will probably be TG, bc we've always been. but i know i'll be dying to find out.

Sofka · November 2011

I wanted to not find out w/ DD but DH really wanted to and I caved, I figured I make most of the decisions re: pregnancy by virtue of it being my body so I let him have that one. I figured it was a fair compromise. With DS, I wanted to find out mainly b/c I knew we'd need boy clothes if it was a boy. DH wanted to, too. You won't have that issue since you have a ton of gender-neutral clothes.

I think you should find out, I think you should let your DH "have this one," and I think, especially if it's your last one, that you will love knowing in advance. You'll start thinking of the baby in terms of "her" or "him" (maybe by name) instead of "her or him," KWIM? It will be a different experience than the last two.

However, if you are set on not finding out, I don't think anyone else should but it might be too much for your DH to know and you not know and eventually it'd slip. Remember the FRIENDS episode where Rachel and Monica let it accidentally slip that Ross's baby was going to be a boy (Ben)?

VARedhead · November 2011

I would probably let DH find out, but we have never been team green, so I can't speak from firsthand experience. I would, however, make him swear up and down that he cannot tell anyone, and if he even slips (especially to MIL), he's in trouble. I know my DH, and he would definitely slip, so I would make him think long and hard about finding out.

I do know a couple where the wife found out but the husband didn't, and it actually worked out; he never found out. I am sort of amazed by that, but it can happen!

WinesNot Whines · November 2011

If he really wants to find out the gender, and he's wanted to find out for each of your pregnancies, I kind of feel like you should find out this time around. We were Team Green with our baby, at my husband's urging. He felt very strongly about it. I agreed to be Team Green for that pregnancy, but I made him agree that I could make the decision for any subsequent pregnancies. That seems fair to me.

BirdGirl01 · November 2011

Realistically, I think if your husband finds out, you will find out. Is he going to be able to keep it from the girls without slipping up? I always wanted to know, so take this with a grain of salt, but I would go ahead and find out. It's fun, I swear! And your girls will love it.

tomandcourt · November 2011

WinesNot Whines:
If he really wants to find out the gender, and he's wanted to find out for each of your pregnancies, I kind of feel like you should find out this time around. We were Team Green with our baby, at my husband's urging. He felt very strongly about it. I agreed to be Team Green for that pregnancy, but I made him agree that I could make the decision for any subsequent pregnancies. That seems fair to me.

Ditto this pretty much exactly.

But if you do let him find out, I would not want my MIL to know--it's such personal information that it would be unfair of him to share it with her!

northernvabride · November 2011

So, I am 99% sure that DH will not be able to keep it a secret from his mom. And I am not ok with her knowing or anyone else before DH and I both know. Also, we have 2 girls, and depending on DH's demeanor, I think I'll be able to tell if it is a boy or girl. So I am worried I'll find out anyway. I am really torn because the feeling of finding out when the baby was born was so amazing and I want that for all 3 of my kids, and now that we've done it 2x, I don't want to do something different and rock the boat (future sibling fight material). DH was seemingly ok with not knowing until Friday and he hasn't mentioned it since, so maybe he was just playing devil's advocate. The only other thing I'm thinking (just popped into my mind) is that FIL was just diagnosed with lung cancer over the weekend, and depending on his prognosis, maybe we should find out so we can share the news with him in case he isn't around to see the baby born. That is such a morbid awful thought, but now it may need to be part of the equation. Obviously, that would sway things towards finding out, if he isn't given a long life expectancy.

BirdGirl01 · November 2011

northernvabride:
I don't want to do something different and rock the boat (future sibling fight material).

Honestly, I see this as a non-issue. They don't have to know until they're too old for it to be an issue. And, really, they don't have to all be the same. You should make the choice that's right for you, but I really don't see this as an issue.

Even if you find out before the baby's born, it's still a surprise. I loved knowing what I was having.

cecilyandgautam · November 2011

I don't know how realistic it is for one spouse to know and the other to not know but if you two are able to sort that out amongst yourselves, I agree that no one else can know before you & your husband both do. It's your (plural) baby and you two should be the first to discover all the excitements of pregnancy and birth. The two of you should get to share that news with family together, as a married couple, as the parents. Your MIL & any other relatives just have to wait it out - she'll manage, I'm sure.

LindseyJW · November 2011

northernvabride:
So, I am 99% sure that DH will not be able to keep it a secret from his mom. And I am not ok with her knowing or anyone else before DH and I both know. Also, we have 2 girls, and depending on DH's demeanor, I think I'll be able to tell if it is a boy or girl. So I am worried I'll find out anyway. I am really torn because the feeling of finding out when the baby was born was so amazing and I want that for all 3 of my kids, and now that we've done it 2x, I don't want to do something different and rock the boat (future sibling fight material). DH was seemingly ok with not knowing until Friday and he hasn't mentioned it since, so maybe he was just playing devil's advocate. The only other thing I'm thinking (just popped into my mind) is that FIL was just diagnosed with lung cancer over the weekend, and depending on his prognosis, maybe we should find out so we can share the news with him in case he isn't around to see the baby born. That is such a morbid awful thought, but now it may need to be part of the equation. Obviously, that would sway things towards finding out, if he isn't given a long life expectancy.

it sounds to me like not finding out is really, really important to you. and i understand it and i also understand wanting that for all of your kids. i agree with PP that i don't think it would be an issue in terms of sibling rivalry. they will have enough fodder for that! :P if your DH won't be able to keep it from his mom, then he shouldn't get to find out. period. his mom is not part of the baby making equation and shouldn't get to partake in this process in a way that you are not comfortable with. and you shouldn't feel badly about that.

i'm sorry to hear about your FIL. perhaps you can have the tech seal the gender in an envelope that you can keep if his prognosis becomes an issue. we actually did this with #2, DH's bff threatened to disown him "if we did that to her again." we love her and thought it would be fun to have the tech circle the "parts" and seal it in an envelope which we mailed to her. she lives OOT and we weren't going to be seeing her before the baby was born, so felt perfectly safe trusting her wtih this info.

victoria1212 · November 2011

BirdGirl01:
northernvabride:
I don't want to do something different and rock the boat (future sibling fight material).
Honestly, I see this as a non-issue. They don't have to know until they're too old for it to be an issue. And, really, they don't have to all be the same. You should make the choice that's right for you, but I really don't see this as an issue.
Even if you find out before the baby's born, it's still a surprise. I loved knowing what I was having.

I agree with this. Finding out before the baby comes is still a huge surprise!

how would you feel if your DH knew and you did not but he accidentally referred to the baby as he/she at some point in the next 20 weeks? if you were team green with your first two, I would definitely find out at this one so your DH gets his choice to find out.

BirdGirl01 · November 2011

And here's my vote for NOT finding out. If you have a strong preference for the sex of baby #3 and think you might be "disappointed" if you know ahead of time, but not, obviously, once you meet the baby, I'd seriously consider sticking to your plans of waiting. I'm not saying this is the case, and definitely not saying that you need to tell us, just putting that out there as a possibility. Baby #2 is still hypothetical for us at this point, but I have a strong (admittedly irrational) preference -- that I didn't have for Baby #1 -- and have contemplated not finding out when the time comes. I'm sure my need to plan will win out though.

Sofka · November 2011

I think you are underestimating how much fun it is to know in advance!

And I don't think you need to treat this baby the same as the other 2, I mean there are a gazillion ways we treat all our kids differently. Think how much fun your daughters will have referring to "baby brother" or "baby sister!"

JKM416 · November 2011

I agree with all previous points made: it'll be so hard for your DH to keep it a secret from you (and you'll be hypersensitive to any little reference that could imply one way or the other), and your MIL should NOT find out before you do. Either you both find out, or neither does. I doubt this would ever be a source of any conflict between your kids...a logical explanation ("we wanted to know if we should hang onto the girl clothes or needed to buy boy ones") makes total sense. Or you could make #3 feel unique because you wanted to do something new / different regarding their arrival, meaning it was just as important to you to make it special as the first two were.

One reason for finding out is that your DDs can be more involved in the preparation (if you want them to be) and the baby may seem more real to them ahead of time (thus hopefully making the adjustment easier). Also, since you didn't find out for the first two, I'd probably let my DH call the shots for this one. While pregnancy for you may be just as exciting (and different) each time, he may be itching for something to make this one more special since he's mostly just a spectator through nine months. I understand that finding out at the birth has been an important experience for you, but you've had it twice...I can understand your DH wanting to try something new this time.

You can always have the tech write it down and seal it up so you and DH can hash this out without feeling pressured to decide by next Monday.

mcatmay · November 2011

I'd give this one to DH, as PP said. It's not just your pregnancy, it's both of you guys' pregnancy. While you are the one doing all the work, in the end, it's this wonderful thing that both of you created. You might also be surprised at how much you enjoy knowing the sex of the child ahead of time. I've never been team green but i think i would want to be the next go around, just to have a different experience.

At the end of the day, it's both of you guys' decision. As for MIL, I would have a SERIOUS issue with her knowing before me.

You guys will do what's right for you in the end! Good luck - either way, it's so exciting!!!

northernvabride · November 2011

Thanks everyone for the comments. I feel kind of selfish after reading them all, since I have been in charge of the decisions up to this point and I was taking charge again. I'll talk to DH again about it and see what he thinks (and if he agrees that it should be up to him this time). Stay tuned.

Artslvr · November 2011

Now I'm on the edge of my seat!!

Mrs.Handy · November 2011

From experience, I did know one couple where one found out but the other didn't and it worked out fine.

I agree with others that you should let your DH find out if he wants and it is none of MIL's business.

I'm sorry about your FIL. If it is serious with FIL, maybe you could do something special like having the tech seal an envelope with the gender and you could all open it together.

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