Age Lectures?

CrazyDaisy8 · November 2011

I am in an office that is 100% female, I am the youngest by at least 12 years, only 2 people have children, and only one other person is married besides myself. I have a very career oriented office basically. Well, yesterday my boss saw me take a prenatal vitamin and gave me "the look".

When I came into the office this morning several people have come up to me and have made severalcomments. "I am too young to start a family." "Why am I rushing into this?" And my personal favorite is from my boss. She said, "Way to want to add onto you student loan debt. That seems smart!" Really? Am I not supposed to want kids until I am 38 when I am fully finished paying off my student loans? I will still have my mortgage at that point so does that mean I need to wait until I am 52 to start a family when I get out of that debt?

Am I the only one who is getting these comments? Am I being over sensitive that I am really offended by this? Thoughts?

Saritaota614 · November 2011

That's crappy of them! It's not their life it is yours!!

sweetgotham · November 2011

I will let the 'wait until I am 38' comment slide because it does make you seem like you are being oversensative but the short answer is that it is none of their business and you have no obligation to address any other their concerns.

gplove94 · November 2011

The only comment I really got at work along those lines was oh wait until after your 30th bday so you can have a party. My response was I can still have a party and I've been drunk at plenty of other parties so I don't really care about that enough to put off TTC. Mostly I get the when are you getting KU comments though. Both are equally annoying but who really cares what other people think. It's not anyone's business what you do.

megs2011 · November 2011

dinine:
The only comment I really got at work along those lines was oh wait until after your 30th bday so you can have a party. My response was I can still have a party and I've been drunk at plenty of other parties so I don't really care about that enough to put off TTC. Mostly I get the when are you getting KU comments though. Both are equally annoying but who really cares what other people think. It's not anyone's business what you do.

I get these all the time... haven't had the "wait" comments though.

lbc10 · November 2011

I hate comments like that. Sometimes I get "Trust me, wait, life is never the same" I really never want to hear that. Sorry they treated you like that.

dragontears507 · November 2011

Unfortunately, my own mother is one of those people. She thought I was too young to get married and will certainly think that I'm too young to get KU (even though she got KU with me at my age). I just haven't told her. I put my prenatals in a regular vitamin jar and hide all my meds. It's not her business but I don't need her negativity. I would keep your TTC a little more private. That way, they have no fuel for the fire.

kk4564 · November 2011

I got the age lectures while planning our wedding (DH and I were engaged when we were 21, married at 22), but mostly from people that didn't know us well enough to know we have been together 9 years, living together for 2 years, etc. Our family and friends were 100% supportive and happy.

Now that it's been over 9 months since we got married, we have been asked several times by family if we were planning on a family yet (We haven't told anyone we are TTC), but they ask in a supportive, "we want you to have babies sort-of-way".

I'm 23 now, and when complete strangers see a ring on my finger, I still get told that I'm too young to be married...and it still bothers me. I don't take it personally because these people don't know me or my situation, but it annoys me that people think they need to tell me their opinion. It is these same people that will probably assume my pregnancy is "unplanned" if/when I do get pregnant because I look so young, and they make assumptions. Little do they know, I am in a strong,committed, loving marriage, and we are mentally and emotionally ready for a family.

Screw what other people have to say and try not to be offended by other peoples' comments.

CrazyDaisy8 · November 2011

dragontears507:
Unfortunately, my own mother is one of those people. She thought I was too young to get married and will certainly think that I'm too young to get KU (even though she got KU with me at my age). I just haven't told her. I put my prenatals in a regular vitamin jar and hide all my meds. It's not her business but I don't need her negativity. I would keep your TTC a little more private. That way, they have no fuel for the fire.

I am sorry that you have to hide something so exciting from your own mother. I wish people would just understand that everyone has their own timeline for their lives. I by no means think there is a specific age that people should reach certain milestones in their lives and I don't see how others can think that either.

Also, I typically take my vitamin on my lunch break but yesterday I ate lunch at my desk so I just took it then. Silly mistake but I never thought I would get such negativity from everyone.

notquiteblushing · November 2011

People should learn to keep their mouth shut. But I wouldn't have taken my PNV where people could see it. Live and learn I guess.

jolenemfleming · November 2011

My dad once told me if you wait for the timing to be perfect you will never have kids. There will always be something that someone can use as a deterant. Push forward and think about you and your husbands happyness

dani2480 · November 2011

It's none of their damn business what you decide to do and when. What works well for them may not work well for you, and it's presumptuous and rude of them to expect you to adhere to their goals and personal time lines. I'd think of a tactful way to tell them that it's not up for discussion and to butt the eff out.

That being said, I think it's really important that you take note of this. This may be a harbinger of things to come if/when you do get pregnant. Chances are, you aren't going to get a very warm reception, and their comments and attitudes could even get worse. It could significantly impact your ability to work comfortably there during your pregnancy, as well as understanding and support from your boss for things like leaving early for doctor's appointment, structuring maternity leave in a favorable way, taking more time off due to illness or child care issues, etc. And while they can't legally discriminate against you because you're pregnant, the burden is ultimately on you to prove that they are (if they do), which makes it easier to get away with it on some levels.

Now may be the time to consider whether this is the place you want to be working when you get pregnant and have the baby.

novelblessings · November 2011

Sorry to hear you have gotten some mean comments. I haven't gotten any until this week. I had a supervision meeting with my clinical manager and she was asking about my life and I opened my big mouth and told her all about how we wanted to have a baby soon. She then proceeded to tell me I needed to wait and how I have all the time in the world. Then she went on to tell me the best age to have children is 25....I'm over 25. I'm sorry for looking like a young 20's who isn't ready for children. I wanted to punch her, she had no right to tell me when I should start my family.

LovestruckAJ · November 2011

I can't relate, but it definitely sounds like they need to mind their own business. If anything, I've had people side-eye me for being 28 (DH, 30) & trying to start a family. No matter what side of the fence you're on, people are going to find reason to judge. Fvck em.

mcongdon18 · November 2011

kk3564- I totally know where you are coming from. I too get that same "look" and I hate it. When someone makes a comment I usually cant help but feel a little attacked I don't see why anyone needs to make such rude comments on someone else's life and being too young or being too old. I always kind of find it interesting that the people that question my marriage are people that are in their late 30's and "getting their life finally worked out with 4 kids" ugh. Im thankful for family support and friend support and most people in general. Its just those few that have to make annoying comments.

ashleyamberRN · November 2011

jolenemfleming:
My dad once told me if you wait for the timing to be perfect you will never have kids. There will always be something that someone can use as a deterant. Push forward and think about you and your husbands happyness

Thats exactly how I feel, something is always going to come up and it never may seem like the "right" time. so whatever feels the most right for you is what is important. I get it too, the "your only 24 you have plenty of time". which is probably true, but I will use that plenty of time for many other things.

ball.and.chain · November 2011

Hi there, I'm de-lurking to say that I am 33 and I often wish I'd started trying a lot earlier! For the last few years I've been getting the opposite kind of age lecture ("don't wait too long") from my doctor...so you can't win either way. I don't know how old you are (I'm guessing early-mid 20s?) but you do get less fertile through the years, and I am pretty sure it would have been easier for me to conceive 5 or more years ago. However, it wasn't until the last year that we were emotionally/financially/physically ready for this, and I think that's the most important thing, so I have no regrets. If you and your husband are ready now, then it's the right time for you, and no one else can make that decision.

LiteraryFoodie · November 2011

dani2480:
It's none of their damn business what you decide to do and when. What works well for them may not work well for you, and it's presumptuous and rude of them to expect you to adhere to their goals and personal time lines. I'd think of a tactful way to tell them that it's not up for discussion and to butt the eff out.
That being said, I think it's really important that you take note of this. This may be a harbinger of things to come if/when you do get pregnant. Chances are, you aren't going to get a very warm reception, and their comments and attitudes could even get worse. It could significantly impact your ability to work comfortably there during your pregnancy, as well as understanding and support from your boss for things like leaving early for doctor's appointment, structuring maternity leave in a favorable way, taking more time off due to illness or child care issues, etc. And while they can't legally discriminate against you because you're pregnant, the burden is ultimately on you to prove that they are (if they do), which makes it easier to get away with it on some levels.
Now may be the time to consider whether this is the place you want to be working when you get pregnant and have the baby.

This.

It's one of the biggest reasons (although not the only one) why I left my previous job. When I was negotiating a promotion and I discussed that my priorities were having more personal/vacation days (we only got 2 personal days a year and 10 sick days; while working at least 60 hours a week), and being able to bring in my own food from home to eat during breaks because I was suffering from poor nutrition at the time (they have a policy of eating meals with the students and only eating what was provided so it was "equal" Staff can't bring in food from home because they are afraid the students will see it and think it's unfair). My boss got a bit touchy about this. She was perfectly willing to pay me more, but not willing to give me time to spend with family, go to doctor's appointment, or even let me eat healthy food. The work environment placed so much merit on being a "work-a-holic" and I know that would not jive with pregnancy or family life. I also knew that it wasn't likely to change since I was one of 3 people who was married, and (when DH and I had kids), I'd be the only person with children. When the issue was brought up, they didn't even know how they would have handled a maternity leave (there is no written policy for it because none of their employees have ever been pregnant before!)

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but yea, I can totally relate... and I'm still a little bitter about the atmosphere they choose to cultivate there. I loved my job and sometimes I miss it, especially since DH and I haven't been able to start a family right away. I just knew that the work environment wasn't sustainable for me or my family.

AlleyCatNH · November 2011

kk4564:
I got the age lectures while planning our wedding (DH and I were engaged when we were 21, married at 22), but mostly from people that didn't know us well enough to know we have been together 9 years, living together for 2 years, etc. Our family and friends were 100% supportive and happy.
Now that it's been over 9 months since we got married, we have been asked several times by family if we were planning on a family yet (We haven't told anyone we are TTC), but they ask in a supportive, "we want you to have babies sort-of-way".
I'm 23 now, and when complete strangers see a ring on my finger, I still get told that I'm too young to be married...and it still bothers me. I don't take it personally because these people don't know me or my situation, but it annoys me that people think they need to tell me their opinion. It is these same people that will probably assume my pregnancy is "unplanned" if/when I do get pregnant because I look so young, and they make assumptions. Little do they know, I am in a strong,committed, loving marriage, and we are mentally and emotionally ready for a family.
Screw what other people have to say and try not to be offended by other peoples' comments.

I'm in the same boat. People give me a hard time for being married, but only people who don't know me. I look younger than I am (I'm 23) and I have a feeling I'll constantly feel the need to flash my ring when I'm KU. I think as long as you are financially independent, responsible and mature, no one gets to have any sort of say in your life choices.

GermanGirl2007 · November 2011

notquiteblushing:
People should learn to keep their mouth shut. But I wouldn't have taken my PNV where people could see it. Live and learn I guess.

This. I wouldn't be taking PNV's at work, but people need to shut up about it.

grahambaby · November 2011

I get comments like that from my MIL all the time. She will randomly say "so, no kids until you buy a house right?" Seriously, we have a home...rental home, yes, but still a home. There is no reason for us to wait for that. Besides its none of her business...and kind of weird that shes so interested in what happens with her son's sperm and my uterus.

Anywho...ignore it. If they really get on your nerves, just let them know that this is your decision to make with your husband...and although waiting, or not having children was a good decision for them, its not for you. After that....a good ole' hand gesture birdy works.

kk4564 · November 2011

AlleyCatNH:
kk4564:
I got the age lectures while planning our wedding (DH and I were engaged when we were 21, married at 22), but mostly from people that didn't know us well enough to know we have been together 9 years, living together for 2 years, etc. Our family and friends were 100% supportive and happy.
Now that it's been over 9 months since we got married, we have been asked several times by family if we were planning on a family yet (We haven't told anyone we are TTC), but they ask in a supportive, "we want you to have babies sort-of-way".
I'm 23 now, and when complete strangers see a ring on my finger, I still get told that I'm too young to be married...and it still bothers me. I don't take it personally because these people don't know me or my situation, but it annoys me that people think they need to tell me their opinion. It is these same people that will probably assume my pregnancy is "unplanned" if/when I do get pregnant because I look so young, and they make assumptions. Little do they know, I am in a strong,committed, loving marriage, and we are mentally and emotionally ready for a family.
Screw what other people have to say and try not to be offended by other peoples' comments.
I'm in the same boat. People give me a hard time for being married, but only people who don't know me. I look younger than I am (I'm 23) and I have a feeling I'll constantly feel the need to flash my ring when I'm KU. I think as long as you are financially independent, responsible and mature, no one gets to have any sort of say in your life choices.

I've totally thought about this...needing to flash my ring to show other people that my pregnancy is not, in fact, a mistake. I've been told that I look 18 by more than a handful of people, so I'm pretty sure everyone who doesn't know me will just assume I'm a knocked up teenager.

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