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I am a horrible person

Rabitt313Rabitt313 member
in Trouble TTC

I mean a horrible, horrible person! 

I tested at 12, 13 and 14DPO, got a BFN each time.  My official blood draw was today, so I'll get the call later confirming what I already know.  My hopes were soaring this time around, it seemed impossible for it not to work this time, so I knew that if it didn't the fall would be hard.  I rearranged my schedule so I could have some quiet time to myself tonight, to repair, regroup, and yes have a mini pity party.

DH, sends me an email asking if I would bake something tonight for his Uncles Charity benefiting the neo-natal unit at the hospital.  I broke down crying, bake something for a baby hospital, tonight, really?  So my initial reaction was very, very bad, very bitter, very angry, and a horrible side of me that I'm so ashamed of.  I have to find strength to do this because I'll hate myself even more if I don't, I just wish it all had better timing.

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Re: I am a horrible person

  • psych05psych05
    I think we all have days where we get to be bitter and angry, and that's ok.  My advice is to bake something very wonderful (and complicated so it takes all your energy and focus).  But I find baking & cooking therapeutic.  If you don't, buy something. 
    TTC #1 since March 2011 dx: annovulation/unexplained Jan 2011: Hysterosonogram clear Nov 2011: HSG Clear, SA normal 3 failed rounds Clomid 2 failed rounds Femara BFP: 7-3-12 BabyFruit Ticker
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  • eponine7682eponine7682 member
    I think it's okay to have a moment to just be angry/sad/frustrated and even selfish, so don't feel badly. We just have to be careful that our moments don't impact our life, relationships and goals. Hope you start to feel better soon hun. We know how hard this can be.
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    TTC since March/April 2010
    DX: MFI - less than 1 million sperm, 26% motility
    DH put on anastrozole to increase counts
    June/July 2011 100 mg Clomid + TS IUI#1 & IUI 2 - BFN :-(
    Forced break due to DH getting spinal surgery in August 2011
    IVF - January 2012: BFN
    FET in April 2012 - BFP at 6dp5dt! Beta #1 at 9dp5dt: 82.5, Beta #2 at 12dp5dt: 352 Beta #3 at 19dp5dt: 6000, saw heartbeat and one little bean at 5W6D!
    After nearly 3 years of waiting our LO was born December 18th 2012!
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  • TJ1979TJ1979 member
    I'm sorry hon.  Sending some strength your way.
    TTC with PCOS since November 2009
    IUI#1 Femara/Ovidrel (cd 3-7) = BFP, m/c
    IUI#2 Femara/Ovidrel (cd 5-9) = BFN
    IUI#3 Femara/Ovidrel (cd 3-7) = BFP!
    beta #1 11/23 = 270, P4 = 75
    beta #2 11/28 = 2055
    Our daughter E was born 7/29/2012!
    Surprise, our 2nd daughter P was born 5/22/14!
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  • CubskersCubskers member

    You're absolutely entitled to feel the way you're feeling.  This IF stuff is TOUGH! 

    Allow yourself some time to relax and have that pitty party for as long as you need to.  You're entitled to it.  Sending big hugs your way. 

    After 22 months TTC and the loss of our identical twins at 10w6d, we're excited about our rainbow baby!
    Stick, baby, Stick!
    Beta #1 (12dpo): 38.3; Beta #2 (15dpo): 202.7
    Baby Girl born 1/17/13
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  • MsGMChickMsGMChick member
    You.are.not.a.horrible.person!! Buy the prettiest cupcakes (+ 2 extra) on your way home, get home, take them out of the package, plate all but the extra 2, give plate to DH, eat extra 2 cupcakes while watching trash tv or taking a hot bath. Problem solved. ((huge hugs)) 
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    || 4 years TTC, 2 M/Cs image 4 failed IUIs, 1 failed IVF || 

    || DIA brought us our beautiful daughter || 

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  • dragontears507dragontears507 member

    So sorry about the BFN and the resulting fall from happy hoping. I'm afraid that I'm setting myself up for that this cycle and know the let down will be beyond devastating. I'm sorry you have to feel that way.

    Is there something you can make that's easy or can you pick up something baked instead? That way you don't have to spend all day baking some masterpiece for babies today. 

    And while you're at it, maybe pick up something yummy for yourself and give yourself a treat. 

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    PCOS--TTC since 11/2010:   
    5 cycles of Clomid: all BFN, 1 cycle of Follistim:CP
    1 year break thanks to deployment.
    1 cycle Follistim: BFN, Lap to remove peritubal cyst May 2013
    2 cycles Follistim + trigger: BFN, Gonal F +IUI April 2014: BFP!!!!!! 

    Boy/Girl Twins due Jan 5, 2015!!! 


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  • MandaS08MandaS08 member
    imageCubskers:

    You're absolutely entitled to feel the way you're feeling.  This IF stuff is TOUGH! 

    Allow yourself some time to relax and have that pitty party for as long as you need to.  You're entitled to it.  Sending big hugs your way. 

    This exactly-IF sucks, but at some point you will be through it and you won't always feel this way.  If you don't feel up to baking-DONT.  Go buy something and cut yourself a break! HUGS

    TTC since 5/2010
    DX with Diminished Ovarian Reserve - AMH of 1.1 - 7/2011; AMH of .42 8/2012    BFP 9/1/10-M/C confirmed 9/8/10-Methotrexate 10/6/10
    IUI #1 (w/clomid)-9/5/11-BFN ; IUI #2 (w/clomid)-10/5/11 - BFP - 11/1/12-No sac seen; 11/2/11 and 11/9/11-Methotrexate 
    IVF #1- ER 2/2; ET 2/5;-Two 8 cell embryos transfered = BFFN
    Surprise BFP - 5/7/12
    U/S on 6/8/12 - H/B at 128 BPM; U/S on 6/14/12 @ 9wks-No H/B-D&C on 6/17/12
    IVF 2.0- ER 10/17; ET 10/20-One 12 cell, one 10 cell and one 8 cell embryo transfered
    BFP!   11/16/12 U/S- Two nuggets with perfect heartbeats! EDD 7/10/13

     

    5/31/2013- My miracles arrived at 34w2d!  Welcome to the world Harper and Nolan!Lilypie First Birthday tickers

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  • cupcake0325cupcake0325 member
    OH no! So sorry you are having such a crappy day!!! It's ok to be a mean and horrible person when something like this happens...just remember to pick yourself up and re-group and try not to stay that horrible person Wink Sending some happy vibes your way and I hope your day gets better!!!
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  • pulga131pulga131

    imageeponine7682:
    I think it's okay to have a moment to just be angry/sad/frustrated and even selfish, so don't feel badly. We just have to be careful that our moments don't impact our life, relationships and goals. Hope you start to feel better soon hun. We know how hard this can be.

    THis! And I think that the fact that you can recognize your "dark side" if you will makes you NOT a horrible person! We can all have sad dark days, but as long as we don't let it consume us or change us then we're in good shape. Sorry about your BFN :( 

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  • jessa8909jessa8909
    We all have those moments. Even the most supportive DH can't really understand how we feel. But I'm sure he understands that it was just a bad time. We all deserve our own pity parties! Good luck with everything!
    Married on August 15, 2009
    TTC #1 since October 2009
    Diagnosed with PCOS September 2011
    Started Metformin November 2011
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