Need to know if this is really PPD or worse
(I am a regular but I have created an AE to hide my identity because I am so ashamed about this) I am writing this in tears right now because I am so upset.
I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety and was given zoloft to help.
I am so mean to LO sometimes. I get so frustrated with him sometimes that I raise my voice. It started when he was born. I would sit there and hold him and cry for hours because I was so frustrated and tired. I would stare at him like he wasn't even mine, that I didn't deserve him so it couldn't be.
Sometimes I get so frustrated trying to put his clothes on that I yell at him to stop being wiggly. I recognize that this is ridiculous and this is how babies are. But WHY do I do this in the moment? I always feel bad after.
Sometimes I will swat at him when he isn't listening to what I am telling him or when I am really frustrated. For example I will say no no and remove him from the situation but he will still do it and he does it over and over and over again and I break down and freak out and generally end up making him cry either because I raised my voice and yelled at him or I spanked him.
Today was my breaking point. He was climbing all over my laptop and trying to bang on the keys while I was sending off my time sheet for work. I kept telling him no and setting him on the floor. He continue to do this and I just got so frustrated that I swatted his arm and he started crying. Then he tried to get back up on the couch and I slid him back off repeatedly. He was in tears so hard and all I did was stare at him like I wasn't even there. What kind of monster would do that to a baby?
Then a few minutes later after I have done something like this I will feel HORRIBLE, scoop him up and hold him and cry because that is NOT how I want to be towards my child. I have never wanted to spank him or raise my voice. When I am calm and myself I wouldn't do this, but when I am frustrated I do.
Please help me understand what is going on here. Am I a monster or what?
Re: Need to know if this is really PPD or worse
You have to remember, it is not your LO's fault. He isn't grownup and doesn't know what you need or want him to do. You do sound burnt out and need some time off from being a mommy and doing mommy duties. Do you have someone that can watch your LO for a couple hours one day a week or even every two weeks? Just so you can get out. Just go for a walk or window shopping. Just some you time.
What you are having is a part of having PPD. I am actually seeing a therapist who has taught me new copeing skills to help with feeling impatient, frustrated, angry, and sad. I am still working on my anxiety, which I have noticed the more I get anxious and impatient, the more I snap at my LOs.
Good luck.
<a href="http://s171.photobucket.com/albums/u282/booboo1414/?action=view
I agree that you what you are experiencing is an extension of your PPD. Who prescribed your meds? If it was your OB, I suggest trying to find a psychiatrist that could perhaps find meds to handle your specific manifestations of depression.
Are you also seeing a therapist? Exercising? Finding another outlet for self care is vitally important. Being honest and open with a therapist about your behavior is crucial, even if you are scared or ashamed. You love your son, that much is obvious or you wouldn't feel bad.
You are sick. You have an illness. It can be treated, you can get better. You will feel more balanced. But it takes work and time. One day at a time, one moment at a time if you must.
Good luck!
~~ married 8.11.07
~~ DD1 1.16.11 ~~ DD2 1.3.14 ~~
~~ BFP3 12.22.15 MMC 2.29.16 @ 13 weeks ~~
~~ 2 D&Cs (3.1.16 and 3.10.16) for MMC
~~ BFP4 10.27.16 MMC 1.23.17 @ 16 weeks ~~ D&E 1.26.17 ~~
There isnt much i can add to the previous posts except to say you are NOT alone. The zoloft apparently isnt doing everything you need so its time for you to talk to your doctor about other options. (Zoloft with abilify helped steady me out.)
Don't feel ashamed. you obviously want to feel better and be able to demonstrate your love for the child or you wouldnt be on this board. The chemical imbalance in your body is just preventing it. Get family support too if possible!
I know you may not want to talk to anyone about this but often this type of issue is in the family history. My mom is diagnosed with depression, she was borderline suicidal after I was born. I had to deal with PPD last time around, I have cronic depression and an anxiety disorder. My sister has depression issues as well.