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December 2011 Moms
So how is your relationship with your mom?
I'm sure this is irrational and silly, but I am so worried about the type of mom I will be. My mom is more of a "friend". We are nothing alike. She is a hillbilly, pot head, curses like a sailor. I was teaching HER how to spell words when I was in elementary school. She annoys me to no end. She cheated on my (amazing) father when I was 2 with her pot dealer who is my now step dad and has been for 18 years.She never went to my sports games/school functions and if she did she criticized for not doing well enough. I got grounded if I made under 95 on my report card.
My step mom tries to be nice but is extremely overbearing. I am my dad's only child and she knows I will come first BUT she is a terrible person and has done very very bad things to me and my family since she married my dad. They have got a ton for the baby which I am so thankful for, but I will never forgive her for the past even though I know I should.
I really feel like I missed out on the mom/family experience. And it's something I am SO SO excited to share with Coraline. But then again, I am so worried. I don't know what a real MOM is like so I don't know how to be one.
Anyone else have this fear?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: So how is your relationship with your mom?
My mom and I get along much better now than when I was growing up (now that I live on the other side of the country and can hang up the phone!). She had a lot of personal issues when I was growing up (divorce, depression, alcohol). She was also very manipulative and could always make you feel like you were the one at fault. Even though I feel like she was a poor role model in many ways, she also showed me quite a bit about being self sufficient and not accepting less than you deserve in life.
I think watching what didn't work has given me a good idea of what does work. I've thought a lot about what my parents taught me that I want to mimic, and what I will not repeat.
My mom loves me and I love her. The two things I love about our relationship are that I can tell her anything and I know I can count on her for anything I need.
But she can also drive me crazy. When I have to spend too much time with her I get really irritated by our differences in personality and outlook on life.
In short, I like her as a "mom" but not as a "friend".
I hope to just give my children unconditional love and respect but not be afraid to be the bad guy and set rules, limits and expectations that will make my kids better people.
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I have no relationship with my mother ( and I use that word for her very lightly). She abandoned me to my dad at age 2, my dad remarried when I was 6, and my stepmom was abusive and overbearing. I ended up in foster care and a group home by age 14. My real mother came back into my life around 14, and because she lives in a different province, I only saw her once a year maybe.... my dad is in another province as well and I see him about as often. My step mom and I are barely civil to each other.
When I found out I was pregnant with my 15 year old I was 18 years old, there was no help financially or emotionally from either of my parents. There never has been really. My dad and I can talk, and honestly I do love him, though I wish he had more of a backbone.
My mother is a cow. I have always kept my opinions to myself and let her be who she is for my son's sake. She loooooves myexbf and when we split in Feb, she took his side and continues to be a big support for him. Her excuse? Hes the father of your son.... blah blah blah. Let me point out my son's father is NOT my iex. My ex was in his life from age 6 and on. Jordan has a natural father who lives across the country. When my mother found out I was pregnant, the FIRST words was Does ________ know ? ( my ex) and then take care of the baby. Someone seems to have forgotten I raised my son alone for 6 years and he is alive, healthy and completely happy. So... me being pregnant, emotional and hurt.. I snapped on her. I was nasty and said everything I held inside. Needless to say she is no longer in contact with me, and only sees Jordan at my sisters.
I was worried when I had my son that I would not be a good mother, and would end up failing at it, just like my natural mother. Or be an abusive *** like my stepmom. But you know what? Im neither. I am a great, caring, non-abusive mom. I have never willingly hurt my child, and Jordan is a very mature and happy 15 year old. Have faith, you will be an amazing mom! And god willing.... someday you will be an amazing Gramma too
My mom is my best friend. I share the most with my husband and she is a close second. We spend a lot of time together and I believe we both get a lot out of our relationship. There are times when I roll my eyes at things she says, but that's typical of any relationship, family or not. I still love her. I'm also super close with my sisters.
I wouldn't let your relationship with your mom worry you. If anything, it's taught you how not to be. My dad had a terrible experience growing up with his father and made it his life goal to not be that way to his kids and really broke that pattern. You will be a great mom and she will love you! The fact that you are thinking about that relationship shows that.
On a random note...
There are some things my husband has told me about MIL that I get hung up on. Just decisions she made while raising him. It really gets to me but he doesn't seem too upset. It's important to remember parents are not perfect and everyone makes mistakes sometimes.
My mom and I are pretty much in the same boat as I view her as a friend much more than a mother.
She's a very intelligent well educated lady but she pursued that education by abandoning me (6) and two brothers (4,10 - one of whom was from a previous marriage). Basically she had kids too early and felt hampered by it. The first guy who offered her a place to stay and some spending money and she skipped out on us in CO and went back home to TX. We never had a step mom- My dad had alot of stepparents throughout his life and he didn't want to put us through the same thing. She was basically the type of mom that flitted in for important things like graduations, milestone birthdays and Christmas but then you didn't hear from her for months. Basically in a nutshell I moved to TX to get to know her better while I went to school and I learned that she's a pathological liar, manipulative and will drop you like no tommorrow. When my fiance left me she let her boyfriend who owned my house evict me, steal from me and then he decided not to pay me for the hours I worked for his company (over $2000) and didn't even bat an eyelash (talk about being kicked while your down).
I'm just kind of to the point where I have her at arms length- I involve her with major life events like my wedding. She's a wonderful grandmother and I'm glad she'll at least be involved in my childrens life the way I wish she could've been involved with mine. I don't think I really missed out on the mom experience. My dad is a super hero in my book- he's my best friend, he was a loving father to me and my brothers even though he struggled with alcohol and my fondest memory with him is prom dress shopping (he picked my dress
. I have the perfect role model of what a parent/step parent should be in my dad and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.
My mom and I get along great, for the most part. She still does stuff that drives me up the wall, and sure, she makes mistakes, but the thing that I realize more and more as I get older is that she is human and simply is trying her hardest to do the best possible.
I do worry sometimes that I will be a "bad" mom. I am sure that I will make mistakes, that there are things I'll wish I did differently, and things my kid will hate me for at the time. No one know how to be a mom. It's just something we'll all have to learn day by day.
Ella born 12/21/11
My mom had me when she was in high school, I've never met my father. My life has been me and her and whoever she was dating at the time. The worst was a guy she dated for 7 years who got increasingly violent over time and developed a drinking problem. I'm grateful for the day he hit me in the face with the phone because that gave her the balls to leave him.
After she left him, she still had a bit of a drinking problem herself and would get mean towards me. She went to a doctor and went on anti depressants after feeling suicidal and our relationship has been a lot better since then.
We've always been more like friends or sisters, there is a 18 year gap between us. I worry I won't know how to be a mom to my daughter because I never really had that 'mom' role model in my life. My MIL is an amazing mother and grandmother and I hope I take after her more when I step into my role as a mother.
My mom is a tad crazy. I think a lot of it has to do with her being pre-menopausal...which she's been dealing with for the past 10 years or so (so pretty much the extent of my memory). She is very spoiled and entitled and can never say please or thank you...she expects people to do things for her just because.
We have a complicated relationship. Although I am married and moved out, she still expects me to do "chores" at their house. She makes things more difficult then they have to be. If I cannot do something for her (ie drive 35 minutes to the vet to pick up their dogs meds) she gets all dramatic and yells "WHY CAN'T ANYBODY HELP ME?!?!?! WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHIIIIIIIING!!!11!'' whereas it would only be 10 minutes out of her way when she drives home from work. I am nice 90% of the time and do whatever I can not to set her off.
OP, your relationship with your mom sounds a lot like MH's and his dad. There really isn't a father-son bond there due to his dads past mistakes. H calls him "the fat guy I go have a beer with every once in a while." Honestly, seeing how is dad was growing up shows MH how NOT to be...and in this I am confident he will be an excellent father
I can completely relate on missing out on the mother relationship experience. My mom was addicted to prescription drugs from the time I was about three. My parents divorced when I was almost seven. All I remember until the time of their divorce is taking care of her, myself and her drug problem. I don't remember my dad being in the picture even though he was, it's just that her addiction had that much of an impact on me. She passed away when I was sixteen of an accidental drug overdose. I was always the mother in our relationship.
My Dad remarried when I was almost ten. my step-mom was nice but we never had a great relationship. She later admitted that she did treat me differently from her children.
It's difficult when you don't have a positive mother/daughter relationship to frame your expectations of motherhood after. What I have learned from the experience is the type of mother I don't want to be. It's hard, I know. PM me if you ever want to chat!!
Cooper: 11/20/11
Julian: EDD 8/1/16
PCOS & Endo. w/ DOR
My mother was my best friend until I met my husband and she got really jealous. She has a history of mental illness in her family, and when I was pregnant with DD1, she had a horrific episode of manic behavior. We tried everything to help her, but she refused to see how her behavior was hurting her family. She became very religious, to the point of hearing voices and thinking her car was possessed by a demon. When DD1 was born she had jaundice and had to stay in a bilibed. While my mom was visiting us in the hospital, I came out of the bathroom to find her holding my newborn, sick daughter under the sink, "baptizing" her. Maybe a month later, she divorced my dad after 34 years of marriage, sued her sister (business related) and moved across the state. It was like a completely different person and she terrified me. I didn't speak to her for almost a year.
Three years later, I was pregnant with DD2, and she moved back to town and has had her ups and downs with bipolar disorder. We can tell when my mom is flying high and when she's in a depression. This past year has been horrible. She got fired from her job because of her illness and has completely alienated her own sisters and her mom, too. She has been stalking my aunt to the point where she moved out of state to avoid a restraining order. She told me that she loved my kids more than I did. I haven't really spoken to her since then. I didn't even tell her I was pregnant with DD3 until I was 6 months along, and I'll let her know when she's born, but she won't be coming to stay with us or meeting the baby until I know she's more stable.
It really sucks, but I have to protect my family by cutting her out of it. I grew up being terrified of my grandfather's bipolar episodes, and I refuse to expose my children and husband to it.
Sorry this is so long! I guess I needed to vent about her a little bit.
How apropos this thread is, as I wanted to hang my mother last night.
I will come right out and say that I am fortunate that my mother was so dedicated to me and my sisters, and worked very hard at being a good mom and teaching us how to be contributing adults in society. I am so lucky that she never pulled some of the stuff many of you have had to deal with. I am beyond blessed in terms of the life experiences both of my parents provided for me. But, with that disclaimer . . .
My mother has a serious martyr complex about parenting, has a pretty negative life view, and is beyond critical of everything and everyone. My sisters and I joke about "whose turn it is to feel the Wrath of Mom." Over my 38 years, I've learned how to brush her off and not take it personally, but I really think that her life view sucked a lot of joy out of my childhood. Luckily, the geographical distance between us has helped a lot; I'm kind of a loner, and our chats every few days suits me and our relationship well. The only thing I can say is that she has grown over the years and has learned to listen to me when I tell her that her criticisms are ridiculous. But it's infuriating nonetheless.
To the OP - you are going to be a wonderful mother. You've seen how NOT to treat children, and you know what aspects of your own childhood you don't want your child to experience, which is almost as good of a learning experience as having a June Cleaver mom.
I think the fact that you are concerned about this in itself shows you are a good mommy already and will be a great mom to Coraline
Your natural care-taking will come out and you will be an amazing momma!
My relationship with my mom is pretty good. Of course we had our ups and downs through those teenage years but ultimately my mom has always been there and been supportive we I needed it most. I have those days where she drives me a bit creazy but in the big scheme of things we have a great relationship and I can tell her pretty much anything.
I have a great relationship with my mother. We've been through a lot and we're pretty much best friends because of it.
However I completely understand your fear. My brother was terrified of being like our father when he found out his wife was pregnant with their first. I think what helped was that he knew what he didn't want to be like, and made sure he did things our father never would.
I think just by having this fear you are showing what a great mom you are going to be. No one knows what a "real mom" is. Everyone's definition is different, but you will be the best mom you can to your LO, and that's the best you can do for her.
Jan17 Sept Sig: Pumpkin Spice gone too far