Within family adoptions

Kougl Wife to Be! · November 2011

Hi there,
Here is the situation that we may be faced with and if anyone else has been through this please give me some guidance. So my little brother (21 years old) and his girlfriend are 10 wks prego. Neither of them is really in any place to raise or have a child, I am unsure if they have spoken about adoption or not but as things progress and this becomes a reality for them it may come up. Now - my older sister was blessed with a DS 18 months ago but has had lots of trouble having babies and miscarriages due to genetic blood issues and endometriosis. They have been looking into adoption as a possiblity to have a larger family. Now - hypothetically if this worked out where my sister and her hubby could adopt new baby how do you approach that subject with the child later on in life? You uncle is your dad? Do you keep a big secret (i can't imagine doing this). How does that all work out. Thanks in advance for helping my family make some heads or tails out of this crazy situation.

Patches08 · November 2011

First you want to establish if adoption is even on the table, they are both adults and have the right to parent if they desire. There are a few gals on here that have experience with kinship adoptions, hopefully they will be able to chime in.. as far as how/when to tell the child.. I personally feel that being honest is the best policy.. just my two cents.

Ashleyyyyy · November 2011

:sits and waits for responses, because I'm in a similar situation:

Sally J · November 2011

My DD is also my niece since her birth mother is my sister. Kinship adoptions can be complicated and wonderful all at the same time. Our situation is a little different since my sister had her parental rights taken, rather than voluntarily giving them up. She has also had 3 other children removed from her care and subsequently placed with two other family members aside from us.

In our household we don't keep secrets and adoption is just another piece of our family's story. We have adoption books, watch kids shows about adoption, and have lots of pictures of family, including my sister, in our house. My DD has a box full of letters with correspondence between my sister and I. We don't focus on it (i.e. you were adopted just like so and so), but we want to give her language and time to be able to ask questions if she has them.

She is just now starting to understand family relationships. A few months ago she finally understood that Grandpa is my dad, like she has a daddy. She recently asked about a little girl in Starbucks and where her brother is, like she has a brother Cooper. She also wants to see pictures of herself as a baby, but we only have pictures back to 8 months old when she came home.

Only recently when she started counting, she has 4 grandmas, and 2 grandpas, but only 1 mom and 1 dad, did I pause. I feel like she just a little too young to understand and the thought of 2 moms and 2 dads might be hard/scary for her since I don't think she can understand adoption vs. giving birth yet.

I'm guessing in the next 1-2 years we will get questions about my siblings, where babies come from, why we don't have pictures of her, etc. It's not easy, but I think our open door and honesty always policies will help tremendously.

GLynn2009 · November 2011

We adopted sorta in the family. DD is my DH's Step-Mothers Sisters Grandchild.

DD know she has lots of people that love her. It is not so tricky for us since the connection is not super close. DD's only has her birth Aunt/Uncle and Granparents which we call those names. She also has Step Uncles which are really Cousins. We call BM by her given name.

DD can tell you that she was in BM belly and that her Brother and Sister where in mine. I know so many questions are to come but I hope and pray that everyone is honest and always tell her the truth.

Funny story: Birth Aunt just had a baby less than a week ago and we have all been so excited to see pictures and such since they are in CA. DD is from Canada and came from there to TN to live with us when she was 26 months. So we were talking about how DD has a new cousin and she looked so thoughtful and asked when her cousin was going to come to TN to live. I said that the baby would stay with her Mommy in CA and DD looked at me kinda funny and said I came to TN to stay with my Mommy.

Ashleyyyyy · November 2011

Sally J:
My DD is also my niece since her birth mother is my sister. Kinship adoptions can be complicated and wonderful all at the same time. Our situation is a little different since my sister had her parental rights taken, rather than voluntarily giving them up. She has also had 3 other children removed from her care and subsequently placed with two other family members aside from us.

In our household we don't keep secrets and adoption is just another piece of our family's story. We have adoption books, watch kids shows about adoption, and have lots of pictures of family, including my sister, in our house. My DD has a box full of letters with correspondence between my sister and I. We don't focus on it (i.e. you were adopted just like so and so), but we want to give her language and time to be able to ask questions if she has them.

She is just now starting to understand family relationships. A few months ago she finally understood that Grandpa is my dad, like she has a daddy. She recently asked about a little girl in Starbucks and where her brother is, like she has a brother Cooper. She also wants to see pictures of herself as a baby, but we only have pictures back to 8 months old when she came home.

Only recently when she started counting, she has 4 grandmas, and 2 grandpas, but only 1 mom and 1 dad, did I pause. I feel like she just a little too young to understand and the thought of 2 moms and 2 dads might be hard/scary for her since I don't think she can understand adoption vs. giving birth yet.

I'm guessing in the next 1-2 years we will get questions about my siblings, where babies come from, why we don't have pictures of her, etc. It's not easy, but I think our open door and honesty always policies will help tremendously.

This is SO similar to our situation, but we're still waiting for rights to be terminated and my SIL is completely MIA.

ETA: Question for you, Sally. Did you change your DD's name when you adopted her?

Sally J · November 2011

Ashleyyyyy:
Sally J:
My DD is also my niece since her birth mother is my sister. Kinship adoptions can be complicated and wonderful all at the same time. Our situation is a little different since my sister had her parental rights taken, rather than voluntarily giving them up. She has also had 3 other children removed from her care and subsequently placed with two other family members aside from us.

In our household we don't keep secrets and adoption is just another piece of our family's story. We have adoption books, watch kids shows about adoption, and have lots of pictures of family, including my sister, in our house. My DD has a box full of letters with correspondence between my sister and I. We don't focus on it (i.e. you were adopted just like so and so), but we want to give her language and time to be able to ask questions if she has them.

She is just now starting to understand family relationships. A few months ago she finally understood that Grandpa is my dad, like she has a daddy. She recently asked about a little girl in Starbucks and where her brother is, like she has a brother Cooper. She also wants to see pictures of herself as a baby, but we only have pictures back to 8 months old when she came home.

Only recently when she started counting, she has 4 grandmas, and 2 grandpas, but only 1 mom and 1 dad, did I pause. I feel like she just a little too young to understand and the thought of 2 moms and 2 dads might be hard/scary for her since I don't think she can understand adoption vs. giving birth yet.

I'm guessing in the next 1-2 years we will get questions about my siblings, where babies come from, why we don't have pictures of her, etc. It's not easy, but I think our open door and honesty always policies will help tremendously.
This is SO similar to our situation, but we're still waiting for rights to be terminated and my SIL is completely MIA.
ETA: Question for you, Sally. Did you change your DD's name when you adopted her?

Yes we changed her name. It didn't go over well with the family, but it was something we felt very strongly about. She will always know all of her names and if she chooses to change it when she is an adult, I will absolutely support her.

asreinholm · November 2011

My H and I are in the final stages of adopting a baby boy that was born to my sister. He came to us at 4 weeks old. He is too young to understand now, but we plan on telling him as soon as we feel he will understand. I too was adopted (by my father) and found out by mistake at the age of 9. My parents were waiting for the "right" time. I was devastated when it happened and will not let that happen to him. I believe knowing from an early age is important and much better than finding out later on, especially by mistake. At this point I am unsure exactly how we will tell him so I'm curious to see if any others post their experience(s).

Kougl Wife to Be! · November 2011

asreinholm:

My H and I are in the final stages of adopting a baby boy that was born to my sister. He came to us at 4 weeks old. He is too young to understand now, but we plan on telling him as soon as we feel he will understand. I too was adopted (by my father) and found out by mistake at the age of 9. My parents were waiting for the "right" time. I was devastated when it happened and will not let that happen to him. I believe knowing from an early age is important and much better than finding out later on, especially by mistake. At this point I am unsure exactly how we will tell him so I'm curious to see if any others post their experience(s).

Will your sister play the part of Aunt then? How does she feel about that? Is she an emotional mess? How about the biological father of the baby? is he in the picture?

Sally J · November 2011

Kougl Wife to Be!:
Will your sister play the part of Aunt then? How does she feel about that? Is she an emotional mess? How about the biological father of the baby? is he in the picture?

I know your questions weren't directed at me, but I thought I would chime in.

My sister is Auntie now in our family structure, but we also talk about the fact that she is more than that to my DD. She is her birth mother and she may call her Auntie, or by her first name, or some other special name, but I feel I have a duty to make sure my sister doesn't become 'just an aunt'. I don't know how to explain what I mean very well on this point.

Losing custody of her children, despite it being directly caused by her poor choices has been nothing short of devastating for my sister. She loves her children very much, but in her case she couldn't put them before the drugs. She has made terrible choices and has consequences to face because of those choices, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have real feelings about the situation. I think it is more devastating for her children because they had no choice. I feel a ton of anger and frustration since I cannot fathom choosing drugs over my children and continuing to have more children only to put them in the same situation!

In our case the bio father was not determined (tested 4 different guys), and I feel sad that I can't also give my DD that piece of her history.

asreinholm · November 2011

Yes, my sister plays Aunt. Although, she isn't around much. She struggles with it some days, but she knows it's best for him. She has made a lot of poor choices in life (and continues to) but giving J to us was the best decision she has ever made and she'll tell you that any day. As for the bio father- for legal reasons we tried contacting him, but he never came forward so his rights were terminated.

Ashleyyyyy · November 2011

Sally J:
Ashleyyyyy:
Sally J:
My DD is also my niece since her birth mother is my sister. Kinship adoptions can be complicated and wonderful all at the same time. Our situation is a little different since my sister had her parental rights taken, rather than voluntarily giving them up. She has also had 3 other children removed from her care and subsequently placed with two other family members aside from us.

In our household we don't keep secrets and adoption is just another piece of our family's story. We have adoption books, watch kids shows about adoption, and have lots of pictures of family, including my sister, in our house. My DD has a box full of letters with correspondence between my sister and I. We don't focus on it (i.e. you were adopted just like so and so), but we want to give her language and time to be able to ask questions if she has them.

She is just now starting to understand family relationships. A few months ago she finally understood that Grandpa is my dad, like she has a daddy. She recently asked about a little girl in Starbucks and where her brother is, like she has a brother Cooper. She also wants to see pictures of herself as a baby, but we only have pictures back to 8 months old when she came home.

Only recently when she started counting, she has 4 grandmas, and 2 grandpas, but only 1 mom and 1 dad, did I pause. I feel like she just a little too young to understand and the thought of 2 moms and 2 dads might be hard/scary for her since I don't think she can understand adoption vs. giving birth yet.

I'm guessing in the next 1-2 years we will get questions about my siblings, where babies come from, why we don't have pictures of her, etc. It's not easy, but I think our open door and honesty always policies will help tremendously.
This is SO similar to our situation, but we're still waiting for rights to be terminated and my SIL is completely MIA.
ETA: Question for you, Sally. Did you change your DD's name when you adopted her?
Yes we changed her name. It didn't go over well with the family, but it was something we felt very strongly about. She will always know all of her names and if she chooses to change it when she is an adult, I will absolutely support her.

We're thinking about changing the spelling of LO's name. My MIL and FIL don't seem to mind it, but I worry about how SIL (BM) will end up taking it if she ever comes back around. I personally have a hard time doing certain things that feel like I'm overstepping my place. Maybe because we're still waiting on parental rights to be terminated. But we have been parenting LO for the last 11 months and SIL has very obviously chose to continue using drugs. Would you mind if I sent you a PM sometime?

Ashleyyyyy · November 2011

Sally J:
Kougl Wife to Be!:
Will your sister play the part of Aunt then? How does she feel about that? Is she an emotional mess? How about the biological father of the baby? is he in the picture?

I know your questions weren't directed at me, but I thought I would chime in.

My sister is Auntie now in our family structure, but we also talk about the fact that she is more than that to my DD. She is her birth mother and she may call her Auntie, or by her first name, or some other special name, but I feel I have a duty to make sure my sister doesn't become 'just an aunt'. I don't know how to explain what I mean very well on this point.

Losing custody of her children, despite it being directly caused by her poor choices has been nothing short of devastating for my sister. She loves her children very much, but in her case she couldn't put them before the drugs. She has made terrible choices and has consequences to face because of those choices, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have real feelings about the situation. I think it is more devastating for her children because they had no choice. I feel a ton of anger and frustration since I cannot fathom choosing drugs over my children and continuing to have more children only to put them in the same situation!

In our case the bio father was not determined (tested 4 different guys), and I feel sad that I can't also give my DD that piece of her history.

We would want BM to be Auntie in the future too, if she were to come around again, but my H is on the fence whether we should talk about her actually being the BM right now or not.

Sally J · November 2011

Ashleyyyyy:
Sally J:

Kougl Wife to Be!:
Will your sister play the part of Aunt then? How does she feel about that? Is she an emotional mess? How about the biological father of the baby? is he in the picture?

I know your questions weren't directed at me, but I thought I would chime in.

My sister is Auntie now in our family structure, but we also talk about the fact that she is more than that to my DD. She is her birth mother and she may call her Auntie, or by her first name, or some other special name, but I feel I have a duty to make sure my sister doesn't become 'just an aunt'. I don't know how to explain what I mean very well on this point.

Losing custody of her children, despite it being directly caused by her poor choices has been nothing short of devastating for my sister. She loves her children very much, but in her case she couldn't put them before the drugs. She has made terrible choices and has consequences to face because of those choices, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have real feelings about the situation. I think it is more devastating for her children because they had no choice. I feel a ton of anger and frustration since I cannot fathom choosing drugs over my children and continuing to have more children only to put them in the same situation!

In our case the bio father was not determined (tested 4 different guys), and I feel sad that I can't also give my DD that piece of her history.

We would want BM to be Auntie in the future too, if she were to come around again, but my H is on the fence whether we should talk about her actually being the BM right now or not.

We changed Charlotte's name from day 1. I think it's important to be honest with the child and if it's just what they've always known, then it's not shocking or different for them--at least IMO.

You are welcome to PM me or email me at ladyace2078 at gmail.

g00dg0llymsm0lly · November 2011

I am adopted, and have a close friend whose adoptive mother is her biological aunt. Like my parents, her family chose to tell her the truth from a young age about being adopted, and in her case with phrases like "Aunt K was your birthmother, and we are your Mommy and Daddy" and "You grew in Aunt K's tummy, but in Mommy's heart."

I think the best thing to do is be honest. Adopted children regard their Mom and Dad as their "real" parents even when they know they are adopted. Love is so much more powerful than blood, and there's no reason to keep that information from them, IMO.

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