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Stay at Home Moms
Lauren436
member
Husbands reaction to considering being a SAHM?
Lauren436
member
FTM here, due in Feb. My husband and I were talking about the benefits of me working v. staying at home. He got pretty defensive when I would support many things on the staying at home option ? i.e. why does the woman get to stay at home and care for the child while he has to work his butt off to support the family. When I talked about how the women on this forum say their husbands are very grateful for what they do at home ? he was very skeptic. I got the feeling he would almost resent me for staying at home and not working. Mind you ? I would only stay at home until the baby is one then return back to work. He has this idea that stay at home moms sit around and watch soaps all day or that I would never go back to work ? which is not the case. I explained that my job would be to manage the home. We can afford to live on his salary ? granted I am bringing home a good chunk of our income, but we would have to budget and make some changes.
Did any of your husbands have a similar reaction or feelings when considering this stay at home option? Any advice that you can share with me to help him understand? I just want him to be open minded about this and see it from a different perspective so we can make a well thought out decision.
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Re: Husbands reaction to considering being a SAHM?
My husband loves that I stay home (and I don't plan to ever go back to work) and he's always said he would never want to be the stay at home parent. He says he's just not cut out to stay home all the time, but he's supportive and grateful that I want to.
Does your dh like his job? Mine loves what he does. If he didn't then I can see how it wouldn't be fun to go there every day while I stayed home with our kids.
Maybe this is a case where he needs more time to let it sink in. Maybe he didn't realize you even wanted to stay home. I know with me or my dh sometimes we're just caught off guard when something new is suggested. Once we think about it we realize that it's actually a great idea for us/our family.
Do you know very many people who stay at home with their kids? Most of the wives at my dh's office stay home with their kids so that also helps dh. It's really just the norm for his job. Maybe your dh just isn't used to SAHMs.
I'm in the "grateful husband" camp. If its important for you to have someone at home with your DC, would your H be willing?
I kind of LMFAO at people who think being a SAHM isn't a full-time job. And when I say full, I mean 24/7/365.
I will say that if my H EVER thought that all I did was sit around and eat bonbons all day, I'd tell him fine, you SAH and I'll go outside the home to work!
I'd ask your H what he's willing to do to keep you working. Is he going to split nighttime feedings with you? How about taking days off due to LO being sick? Doctor's appointments/well visits? Will he be splitting the household stuff with you? Cooking, laundry, cleaning, paying bills... all of it? While I do the majority of the cleaning, DH will step in and do things I don't have the time to do without me even having to ask. I do all the cooking and laundry because 1 - I don't like anyone messing up my kitchen (that's kind of "my room" and I'm pretty particular about it) and 2 - I don't mind doing laundry.
I think you guys need to sit down and look at the logistics of both of you working vs. one of you staying home, the expectations (I wouldn't expect a whole lot during the first three months or so, though, regarding cleaning - you're recovering from a major physical event (birth) and having to figure out this new little person in your lives).
If he wants to give it a go, have him take paternity leave, if its available, and let him have at it.
Bottom line is you guys need to write up a pros and cons list and work out what is going to get done by whom and when.
Your husband sounds like he has a real chip on his shoulder. (sorry if I'm misinterpreting his point of view) My husband is really proud that I can stay at home and knows that's the best care that our child can possibly receive.
To be honest, I'm slightly annoyed at your husband's opinion (why should it matter to me?) but I think he's completely missing the point. Instead of "what's fair" he should consider what's best for your child both emotionally and developmentally. I'm a FTM as well as couldn't have imagined how stressful it is to care for a child full time. There are days that every ounce of my patience is tested and I don't know any power on earth stronger than a mother's love for your child. I've sat there and sang to him, rocked him and kissed him when his behavior was so frustrating I wanted to walk out and slam the door. I truly, truly, truly believe that if you can afford to stay home that's the best option for your child. Who else on the planet is going to be better at taking care of your child than you as his/her mother?
I have friends who have returned to work and their children go to daycare. Obviously they receive good care but it's not the one-on-one, immediate attention and activities that my son receives.
Good luck in whatever you both decide. It sounds like you both have several heart-to-heart conversations before a decision will be made.
My DH always wanted me to be a SAHM, even when we were dating that's what we agreed on. After I had my DD, I didn't want to SAH, so I went back to work part time and worked part time until my DD was 2. That was a great balance for me. He always made it very clear that he would prefer for me to SAH.
I think your DH needs to be 100% on board with you SAH, or it will have a negative impact on your marriage.
My DH LOVES me being a t home so I'm no help to you. But I am answering because I was wondering if it is possible that he is jelouse because he would like to be the stay at home parent? We have a family that we are friends with who have a SAH dad and the mom works and they are very happy with it. I ask because he mentioned that he was upset when he felt he was being discounted from being the SAH parent just for being a dad and in the end they decided to switch rolls and are very happy about it. My DH would love to be the SAH parent,, but he does not resent me for it because he also loves his job.
On that note I don't think I could be a SAHM without DH's "blessing" on the matter. Our marriage is a team effort and we have to both agree on the big decisions. Also I could not handle someone being mean and thinking that I don't do anything all day. Being a SAH parent can be hard work and I need my husbands support just like he needs mine.
I would talk to him more and ask him why he feels this way. good luck!
My H was more in favor of me SAH than I was in the beginning.
However, if he wasn't 100% on board with it, I wouldn't do it. It just seems like that could lead to a lot of resentment and skewed division of labor
You will need his support and understanding 100% to be happy SAH. I would discuss expectations and his reasons for not being ok with it. Maybe he isn't comfortable with making lifestyle changes and living on less money or is worried about savings?
DS 3.12.08
DD 7.11.09
DD 8.01.13
It's all pros and cons, benefits etc, not what's equal or fair. Maybe it would help him to look at it that way?
For example, DH had an hour long stress-free lunch everyday while I was SAH with a fussy baby stuffing whatever ready-made piece of food I could find into my mouth 3 hours after lunchtime. Equal? No. lol
I hope he can look at both sides objectively and you can agree on what's best for your family. GL!
MH never had any negative feelings about it. At 1st he just wanted to understand what it meant. ie what would be my role/responsibilities and what would be his. Maybe have that discussion w/ your husband will help him understand what an important and busy job SAHM is.
A part of my husband thinks I'll go back to work once the kids are in school. But the way things are now, I'll be busier when the kids are in school compared to not, since MH picked up a HS coaching job, so I really don't see that happening.
Noel - August 2010
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My DH doesn't care what I do, as long as, I am happy.
He also doesn't have much time to devote to childcare. I was lucky, I had a year leave of absence, so I didn't have to quit, until after I had a chance to explore first hand being a SAHM. Nearing the end of the year, it became obvious it was the best choice for us. It has done a lot to further DH's career, and he can see the benefit in that.
He would not be in the position he is in, if I didn't stay at home, and our kids would have suffered if we did not see them for the time I would have been working in my former position. Two people can work and raise kids, but for us, the long hours were not worth the trade offs, and one of our careers would have had to be subjugated.
My DH was supportive about me staying home.
I wonder why your DH thinks that stay at home moms sit around and watch soaps all day? Taking care of a house, cooking, cleaning, laundry and trying to raise a child is not easy.
I'm just curious, how are the household duties divided up in your home right now? Is it equal, and that's why your DH doesn't understand why the "woman" gets to stay home?
And by all means it's not always the "woman" who "gets" to stay home. There are many men out there who are stay at home dads. Sometimes staying at home is the best option as a family can't afford the cost of child care.
I often find that men have a better understanding of caring for a child when the child shows up and someone has to change it's diaper, feed it, change the diaper genie and make dinner. If they don't get it immediately, try letting them run things for a while and then ask them how much soap watching they got in.
DH wasn't crazy about me staying at home at first but overtime as we discussed it he saw the many benefits to it. I was quitting the job I was at regardless so we pretty much agreed that I'd stay home for 12 weeks and we'd reasses. Once DH saw everything he didn't have to deal with since I was home he quickly decided he liked it far better than me working.
I'd say keep discussing it and ask him ti really think about it. If you're only going to be home for a year, what's your job situation?
Are you taking a leave or will you be looking for a new job. If it's a leave could you take 12 weeks and reasses and change to a year if at that point it's working?
I think your husband may change his perspective once the baby arrives. When we discussed me being a SAHM my hubby would say well why can't I stay home. Now that I am home 24/7/365, he has changed his perspective. It definitely is an adjustment for both, it's very challenging emotionally to be home alone all the time. You get no me time, but you get the best reward.
I really think once the baby arrives, and your hubby sees how hard it is, he may change his mind. Plus, I'm sure he'll get used to the cooked meals ready for him after work
I will say that I do sit around quite a bit but it's because you can't get much done with an infant attached to your hip or hanging on your leg. Good luck making dinner with an infant attached to your leg!
So you "get" to SAH while he works his butt off? He is seriously skewed if he thinks SAHMs just sit around eating bon bons and occasionally paying attention to their children. DH knows how much work I do at home, and has had DD for a few weekends alone where he realized it even more. He's probably sometimes grateful he gets to go to work and be able to chill out for a few moments here and there instead of constantly needing to know where a toddler is and what she's doing.
I agree that if he's not 100% onboard, there will be problems.
My DH wasnt 100% on board, but he knew how important it was to me so he was ok with it. After DD was born he became more supportive than I could have ever imagined.
I really am not trying to sound snarky, really...
Is this the first time this conversation came up? How long did you date, were you engaged, have you been married? I don't understand how couples never have the "when we start our family" conversation. Even if this pregnancy wasn't really planned, surely you guys had talked about it?
DH and I talked about our values, how important a family was, and lots of other stuff before we were ever engaged. I knew that I wanted to be a sahm and DH supports that and agrees that is best for our family.
I held down a full time job for 12 years before having DD and I will tell you that being a sahm is much harder than any other job I had.
All that said, there is no way I could sah and have a healthy marriage if DH wasn't 100% supportive.
your husband may just want some more balance than him working and you sah would create. personally, as someone who works pt as a hs teacher (30 hours a week)...i get why the working parent can feel some of what your husband feels...granted you don't portray him in a very favorable light, but still! the part about him working his tail off/you not working may not seem balanced to him. i love that we both contribute financially, we both take care of the house, and i love that even though i'm working, i still have time to keep a clean house, volunteer at both my children's schools, make dinner on most nights, etc... for the most part, everything is a joint effort. it feels like we have more of a partnership than we would if i were with the kids all the time and him making all the $...it seems that in so many sah situations, people are barely making it, or they have tons of $, but they rarely see their husbands! i'm sure that there's a middle ground, it just seems like that's what i hear about on here the most. and i have to say, all parenting, moms or dads, is 24/7/365! there are sacrifices and rewards whether you stay home or work.
i have a grateful husband as well - he LOVES that i'm home with H. He has a hot dinner when he comes home and the house is tidy and our son is happy, healthy and loved by his mother. i know it's not possible for everyone but it was our choice to have our baby and for me to stay home. for us we'd rather sacrifice financially or make compromises with everything than me go back to work and after day care costs bring home just a little each month. i plan to stay home and not go back.
if he resents you for wanting to stay home and raise your child he needs to be told what a mother does in a day or better yet...SHOWN! have him take a week holiday when the baby gets here and you two do EVERYTHING together and he'll realize we don't have time to shower let alone sit around watching soaps and eating bon bons!! haha
good luck with convincing him but i would even start taking counselling or something before baby comes so he won't resent you.
you have to be on the same page because when your baby is screaming all night and you haven't slept in days your husband won't be a help as he feels he's working full time and you just sit around so you should be doing it all! that's not fair.
Honestly, no. DH loves that I stay at home. We had decided that I would be a SAHM before we even had a child.
Sounds like he just needs some more education. He may change his mind after the baby is born and he realizes how much work is really involved.
My advice would be to not make any decisions until after the baby is here. The "idea" of being a SAHM seems interesting to you now, but I really think you have to wait until the baby is actually here and you are taking care of him/her 24/7. Lots of people think they are "cut out for it" - only to regret the decision. And, of course lots of people love it too.
I'm not sure why your husband feels this way, but he could be concerned about your financial future. The economy is scary right now and maybe he just doesn't want the pressure of providing for everyone on his shoulders. I certainly wouldn't. Maybe he's afraid of living paycheck to paycheck? Maybe he doesn't want to make budget sacrifices - no more eating out, vacations, etc.
I would sit down and make a list of all the pros and cons. And, take a look at your future. If you both want a bigger house, another car, family vacations and it will take two incomes to do it - than the both of you need to work. If you don't care about all of that, then maybe SAH is the right decision.
Good luck!
DH wasn't always in love with the idea, but he very much enjoys the benefits of it. His job rotates hours and there's pretty much no way we could make that work with a traditional daycare situation. We are able to start our days at our on pace. There is no rushing to get the kids fed, dressed, and out of the house in the morning. We can spend more of our weekend doing stuff as a family and less on getting chores/errands done. If you have any friends/family members who are SAHMs have them talk to your H. It's a rarity that I get time to goof off during the day.
My husband and I fully intended to both be working parents and toured daycares when I was pregnant. Then she was born and my husband decided she couldn't go to daycare so one of us was going to stay home with her and we'd just make it work. He didn't care who did, just that one of us did. I ended up being the one to quit and stay home because of my work situation (not the best) and because he gets paid overtime and I don't. So I didn't have to do much convincing of it, but I would suggest taking an honest look at your bills and your savings goals together and see how comfortable you would both be being on one income.
If it is possible that would give him something tangible to look at. Also put together the numbers for daycares and see how much that would end up costing. I think most people's reluctance with having one person at home is just money related. It's hard in today's world to make it on one income and it can cause a lot of stress thinking about.