How do you feel about family expecting to watch your birth video?

xaianjelx · November 2011

Hi,

I'm new to the board!

So the other day... I was having lunch with DH and SIL, and SIL asked if we were taking videos of the birth, something DH and I hadn't discussed yet.

DH immediately said "Yes" and I gave him a look and said "Uhhhhh... Well... OK but these will be for private viewing right?"

SIL then asked me to define "private", implying that she was expecting to be able to watch said video.

I'm a little peeved that A - DH assumed that I'd be okay with videos of the birth (I think it will depend on the mood I'm in when I'm in labor) and B - SIL assumed that it would be available for semi-public viewing. I mean, if I wanted to let people watch me in labor, I'd just sell tickets to the main event!!!

DH claims he will make it tasteful, but that doesn't change the fact to me that I will probably not be in my best state during labor, and while I don't mind having a video around FOR THE TWO OF US, I would mind having a video that DH says he wants to also share with his family in China (whom I've never even met!)

I'm THISCLOSE to banning video, period, from the delivery room. Thoughts?

asyph107 · November 2011

IMO you should ban the video...eventually if you make it someone you don't want to will see it.

I could not imagine having a video of me in extreme pain and in one of the most vulnerable moments of my life...for anyone to see. Its best to take away the wonderful memories you create in your own mind of the moment.

mben1119 · November 2011

You and your husband need to be on the same page about this. Not just other people viewing it, but honestly, its your cooter, you have a say about whether or not it gets videoed. Personally, anyone who wants to record that can fuck_off.

NeenyW · November 2011

We will not be videotaping our birth, and even if we did, there is nooooo way I'd let anybody else see it besides me and my husband - no way. As a pp pointed out, once it's out there, you really don't have control of who sees it anyway.

JKB1986 · November 2011

I think I'm in the minority but I actually would have liked a PG video of DS1's birth. This time DH is going to be video taping from by my shoulders with the small flip camera and snapping stills at the same time. Should be interesting! As far as other people watching it, as long as it's PG I don't care. I don't know many people besides close female friends that would actually want to watch it though.

mjmcilmoyl · November 2011

I have no idea why people want to have videos of their births... It's weird... But whatever... If you are not comfortable with the idea, then definitely NO! It's not a video of your husband in pain, screaming, naked, etc.... It's you.... So this is entirely your decision!

icanhazbebe · November 2011

The most disturbing thing about this is that your DH seems to think he has the power to make unilateral decisions ABOUT you without DISCUSSING it with you first. I have to give you props for not saying anything to him in front of your SIL when he answered in the affirmative without so much as a questioning glance your way (assumedly). I would have jumped right down his throat; but then, I'm a little impulsive.

I think you guys need to back up here and actually have a discussion where you BOTH get to express your opinions and desires about this, and make a decision together. He sounds a little controlling, based on the way you've told the story; but maybe it's just a misunderstanding. Either way, make sure you are heard and understood. This could be a real violation of what should be a safe, protected space for you to give birth. And frankly, part of the Dad's job is to be the guardian of that space. Also, if he's holding the video camera, who's holding your hand?

rcanales · November 2011

Yeah.... IF and only IF I even let DH video record the birth, it certainly wouldn't be shared with family. Sorry, but if I was going to let them watch the video, why not just let them in the room.

I don't know about your hospital (unless you are doing home birth or birthing center) but the hospitals here won't allow a video camera in the delivery room anyways.

JessieJH · November 2011

I'm lurking since I shouldn't jump over to this board for another week, but your question really is interesting.

There is no way I would let a video take place in the room. I've been watching a lot of videos as part of my birth class and though I think birth is an amazing thing I don't want to have to see myself like that. I certainly won't let others either. I think a few still shots- where you can approve or delete them later are fine, but a video is something that's more difficult to edit and control.

iluvmylab · November 2011

No one would watch the video unless I wanted them to. End of story.

springplum · November 2011

Our families can expect to watch the videos all they want, but since there isn't going to be one, they'll be sadly disappointed.

cecilyandgautam · November 2011

I would not be ok with family watching the video or being in the room. My family would also have no interest in watching it so there's no controversy there.

A practical consideration with filming the birth: who would be the camera man? Your husband? If he wants to catch a few quick clips between contractions, fine, but his #1 job while you're in labor is to completely support you, help you relax & focus. 100% of his attention needs to be on you during labor, not on playing with a gizmo. If there's some one else who can catch the occassional video clip or picture, like a doula or your mom if she'll be in the room, it's up to you what to do with those captured moments later, but I really don't think it's a good idea for your husband to have other activities planned for the labor. He already has a big job that no one else can substitute in for.

authorofdreamz · November 2011

Well since I highly doubt your husband was planning on shooting the video from between your legs I don't see why it would be an issue. His family is overseas and he wants to be able to share this special moment in his life with them in the only way he can, I don't think you should take that from him. It is the birth of a new FAMILY MEMBER it's not all about you.

Personally, we wont be recording anything since anyone who wants to be there will but if someone were unable to because of being overseas or something and wanted to be there we would make a video for them or video-chat them or something so they could be there too.

BFab11 · November 2011

There will be no birth video. We have a few pictured from DS's birth but they don't show anything. There's me laying on the hospital bed, then DS's first picture on the scale, then a picture of me holding DS with DH standing by us. IMO, that's all that's necessary to share with family/friends. If I'm not comfortable enough to have them in the delivery room they sure as heIl aren't getting the full experience on video.

CupcakeGirl08 · November 2011

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your H about this and let him know you didn't appreciate him speaking for you in front of his family. I wouldn't be comfortable with a video camera in my face during labor or birth. That whole process to me is something special between you and your partner. Plus I would want him to be focusing more on helping me then on a video camera. If I did let my H video tape I still wouldn't let his family see it, it would just be too weird.

Ivana_Stolichnaya · November 2011

Simple answer - "No, the video won't be available for the public"

Leave it at that and change the subject. If she protests then call her out on being both weird and invasive.

amberdl28 · November 2011

We werent allowed to have video of the birth according to hospital policy. After the baby was out I thinkw e were allowed. I would not want a video being seen if we had one. Delivery can be very stressful and I would want my husband holding my hand not taping and worrying about where to point.

baloneydisc · November 2011

This is a non-issue for us because our hospital doesn't allow videos or photography during the birth, BUT if it were me I would ban the video. If you make it people will want to see it and if you let ANYONE else see it your whole family may want to watch. I'm with you, if I wanted people to see it they would be invited into the room for the actual birth.

BugsMommy2be · November 2011

If you are giving birth at a hospital I would double check and make sure that you can even take take a video, depending on your birthing center it may not be allowed during actual labor. We were going to video but come to find out its not something our hospital allows during the actual labor; and even if it was I am sorry but NO NO NO DH and I would be the only ones allowed to view it.. I haven't been able to see my own lady parts in weeks thus his family nor mine need to view them either.

Cleo29 · November 2011

We video taped when she came out, but the shot was taken from behind my shoulder, so it is not really graphic, I think the most you see is some pubic hair. Then H video taped her being weighed, cleaned up, etc. It was actually really nice and I love that I have it.

I have not shown it to people, but I would happily show it to my sister or my good friends.

You have to do what is most comfortable.

NoodleM · November 2011

authorofdreamz:
Well since I highly doubt your husband was planning on shooting the video from between your legs I don't see why it would be an issue. His family is overseas and he wants to be able to share this special moment in his life with them in the only way he can, I don't think you should take that from him. It is the birth of a new FAMILY MEMBER it's not all about you.

So just because they are related by marriage she has to show them a video of herself during one of her most vulnerable times? That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.

It is about her, it's about her comfort level and HER vagina. It's nice they want to be involved and see a video of all this happening, but if SHE is not comfortable then SHE doesn't have to show anyone anything!

It's all about individual comfort levels, you can't expect someone to be comfortable with something they are not. I'm sure they will get many pictures later on and that will be sufficient enough to make them feel involved.

December192009 · November 2011

video footage of my vajayjay just isn't my style. Granted, I was present for the birth of my nephew- with my sister's overwhelming approval, but showing off my bits and pieces just isn't my thing. Baby will look cuter outside of delivery room for all to see.

Cleo29 · November 2011

Just to remind people, you can shoot the video without getting the entire vagina in the shot. You can still see the baby out and placed on mom's stomach, etc.

LuckyTraveler · November 2011

NoodleM:
authorofdreamz:
Well since I highly doubt your husband was planning on shooting the video from between your legs I don't see why it would be an issue. His family is overseas and he wants to be able to share this special moment in his life with them in the only way he can, I don't think you should take that from him. It is the birth of a new FAMILY MEMBER it's not all about you.
So just because they are related by marriage she has to show them a video of herself during one of her most vulnerable times? That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.
It is about her, it's about her comfort level and HER vagina. It's nice they want to be involved and see a video of all this happening, but if SHE is not comfortable then SHE doesn't have to show anyone anything!
It's all about individual comfort levels, you can't expect someone to be comfortable with something they are not. I'm sure they will get many pictures later on and that will be sufficient enough to make them feel involved.

Um, yeah, what Noodle said.

KatelynEA90 · November 2011

My SO is out of state for schooling and the only way it will be on video is if he doesn't make it in time. I have a history of pre-eclampsia and because of hypermobility joint syndrome, there's a chance I will have an early and very quick delivery. That video will be for his eyes only and I will probably never watch it myself. And anyone that thinks they are going to watch it needs to stop doing drugs and get a reality check.

sherpa · November 2011

Ew. No way. No video. You need him to stay focused on keeping you calm and happy, not filming your vagina stretching to unimaginable widths.

kerrymass · November 2011

My hospital won't allow you to video the birth. You can use a video camera for much of labor (not that I'd want to) and after the birth, but not during the actual birth. Maybe you'll be lucky and find your hospital has a similar policy.

Even if they didn't, my thought is that it's the job of our DHs/SOs to be in there supporting us while we labor. If you want a photo or video, then fine - but his priority should be you and your baby. I'd remind him of that and tell him you'd rather his energy be on helping you not watching or recording you.

authorofdreamz · November 2011

NoodleM:
So just because they are related by marriage she has to show them a video of herself during one of her most vulnerable times? That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.
It is about her, it's about her comfort level and HER vagina. It's nice they want to be involved and see a video of all this happening, but if SHE is not comfortable then SHE doesn't have to show anyone anything!
It's all about individual comfort levels, you can't expect someone to be comfortable with something they are not. I'm sure they will get many pictures later on and that will be sufficient enough to make them feel involved.

Um, no. It is about the baby and the baby is 50% her DH's so he should get some say too. Like I said I highly doubt her DH is planning on shooting the video from between her legs it is completely possible to take a PG-video showing no part of her vagina. My FI's parents have a video of his birth and I have seen it and saw nothing of his mother other than her face, shoulders, and stomach. It's about the BABY no one is going to be intimately filming her vag. No one care's about the mom during delivery it's all about the baby. People do things they are uncomfortable with all the time for their spouses, it's a part of marriage. If it is important to her DH she needs to suck it up and deal with it and just make sure the video is appropriate for other people to see.

chrisjsbride · November 2011

authorofdreamz:
NoodleM:

So just because they are related by marriage she has to show them a video of herself during one of her most vulnerable times? That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.

It is about her, it's about her comfort level and HER vagina. It's nice they want to be involved and see a video of all this happening, but if SHE is not comfortable then SHE doesn't have to show anyone anything!

It's all about individual comfort levels, you can't expect someone to be comfortable with something they are not. I'm sure they will get many pictures later on and that will be sufficient enough to make them feel involved.

Um, no. It is about the baby and the baby is 50% her DH's so he should get some say too. Like I said I highly doubt her DH is planning on shooting the video from between her legs it is completely possible to take a PG-video showing no part of her vagina. My FI's parents have a video of his birth and I have seen it and saw nothing of his mother other than her face, shoulders, and stomach. It's about the BABY no one is going to be intimately filming her vag. No one care's about the mom during delivery it's all about the baby. People do things they are uncomfortable with all the time for their spouses, it's a part of marriage. If it is important to her DH she needs to suck it up and deal with it and just make sure the video is appropriate for other people to see.

I agree with Noodle. If she is not comfortable having the birth filmed, then she doesn't need to suck it up and do it for her husband's family. Yes, the birth is about the baby, but it is also about the mother. She is the one going through labor to deliver this baby. Birth is a very intimate moment, and like some people say, if they weren't there when the baby was conceived, then they don't need to be there for the delivery, in person or on video. Some people like the idea of the video, many women don't. But it's the mother's decision on if she wants to, and shouldn't have to answer to anyone if she doesn't want to, plain and simple. Like Noodle said; the family will get pictures and maybe even a video of events after the birth, that would be sufficient enough to make them feel involved.

lildevil968 · November 2011

We videotaped DD and DS, but DH was at the head of the bed, and not the foot. You couldn't even see the goods, all you say was them emerging from far away. It really wasn't that bad.

cikangell · November 2011

Most Dr's and hospitals don't allow filming these days anyway (lawsuits, etc.), so it's pretty much a moot point. Check with your hospital.

Liz1485 · November 2011

My DH is bringing a camera to film parts of it. The camera will either be off during delivery or up by my head, DH doesn't even want to see what goes on down there. Neither of our families can be here for the birth so we thought it would be nice to share parts of it with them. Plus, since I'm so scared of pooping DH wants to make sure to immortalize that moment, if it happens, to make fun of me for the rest of my life.

Also, I've read that a lot of women forget a lot about their experiences in labor and delivery so I think it will be fun to have that video to look back on and be embarassed at how much profanity came out of my mouth during that time or how much I yelled, the look on my face the moment I meet LO, etc. It's an exciting time and I don't want to forget it. Now, in the moment I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune. "Turn that fvcking camera off or it's going in your a$$!!!!!!" I can almost hear myself saying those exact words so we'll see what happens.

NoodleM · November 2011

RachaelA:
authorofdreamz:
NoodleM:
So just because they are related by marriage she has to show them a video of herself during one of her most vulnerable times? That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.
It is about her, it's about her comfort level and HER vagina. It's nice they want to be involved and see a video of all this happening, but if SHE is not comfortable then SHE doesn't have to show anyone anything!
It's all about individual comfort levels, you can't expect someone to be comfortable with something they are not. I'm sure they will get many pictures later on and that will be sufficient enough to make them feel involved.
Um, no. It is about the baby and the baby is 50% her DH's so he should get some say too. Like I said I highly doubt her DH is planning on shooting the video from between her legs it is completely possible to take a PG-video showing no part of her vagina. My FI's parents have a video of his birth and I have seen it and saw nothing of his mother other than her face, shoulders, and stomach. It's about the BABY no one is going to be intimately filming her vag. No one care's about the mom during delivery it's all about the baby. People do things they are uncomfortable with all the time for their spouses, it's a part of marriage. If it is important to her DH she needs to suck it up and deal with it and just make sure the video is appropriate for other people to see.
I guess I missed the memo that said I had to be uncomfortable just because I got married.
Thankfully my DH would never ask me to do something that made me as uncomfortable as showing my ILs a video of me in labor.

Yeah, I don't remember anything in my wedding vows about 'sucking it up and dealing with it' just to make my husbands family happy.

If my husband said it was important to him and I was still uncomfortable, I know he loves and respects me enough to let me make that decision.

What kind of things do you suck up and do for your husband that you don't want to? I mean we're not talking about fighting over who's turn it is to do dishes.

LuckyTraveler · November 2011

NoodleM:
RachaelA:
authorofdreamz:
NoodleM:
So just because they are related by marriage she has to show them a video of herself during one of her most vulnerable times? That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.
It is about her, it's about her comfort level and HER vagina. It's nice they want to be involved and see a video of all this happening, but if SHE is not comfortable then SHE doesn't have to show anyone anything!
It's all about individual comfort levels, you can't expect someone to be comfortable with something they are not. I'm sure they will get many pictures later on and that will be sufficient enough to make them feel involved.
Um, no. It is about the baby and the baby is 50% her DH's so he should get some say too. Like I said I highly doubt her DH is planning on shooting the video from between her legs it is completely possible to take a PG-video showing no part of her vagina. My FI's parents have a video of his birth and I have seen it and saw nothing of his mother other than her face, shoulders, and stomach. It's about the BABY no one is going to be intimately filming her vag. No one care's about the mom during delivery it's all about the baby. People do things they are uncomfortable with all the time for their spouses, it's a part of marriage. If it is important to her DH she needs to suck it up and deal with it and just make sure the video is appropriate for other people to see.
I guess I missed the memo that said I had to be uncomfortable just because I got married.
Thankfully my DH would never ask me to do something that made me as uncomfortable as showing my ILs a video of me in labor.

Yeah, I don't remember anything in my wedding vows about 'sucking it up and dealing with it' just to make my husbands family happy.
If my husband said it was important to him and I was still uncomfortable, I know he loves and respects me enough to let me make that decision.
What kind of things do you suck up and do for your husband that you don't want to? I mean we're not talking about fighting over who's turn it is to do dishes.

Yeah, this. Sheesh. It may be about the baby, but baby is coming out of momma and this is momma's body so it IS about momma and momma gets to choose. Hopefully, the couple is loving and mature enough to have a discussion about this, but I couldn't imagine marrying a man who thought I should "suck it up" and let him film me giving birth if I wasn't comfortable with it. No way.

preciousmetal · November 2011

When DD was born, DH took regular still photos. He took the card out of the camera and put it on a big 72" flatscreen at work for all his co-workers to see pics of our little bundle of joy. I was horrified when I realized that he showed pictures of her still coming out of my vagina on a big screen tv. That was just a still shot, I can't imagine how embarrassed I would be had it been video.

To me, that's not something I would really want everyone to see. Sure, birth is natural and beautiful. But I don't want to spend time sitting next to friends and family thinking, "Yep, you've seen my vag." I say ban the video.

tartaruga · November 2011

authorofdreamz:
NoodleM:
So just because they are related by marriage she has to show them a video of herself during one of her most vulnerable times? That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.
It is about her, it's about her comfort level and HER vagina. It's nice they want to be involved and see a video of all this happening, but if SHE is not comfortable then SHE doesn't have to show anyone anything!
It's all about individual comfort levels, you can't expect someone to be comfortable with something they are not. I'm sure they will get many pictures later on and that will be sufficient enough to make them feel involved.
Um, no. It is about the baby and the baby is 50% her DH's so he should get some say too. Like I said I highly doubt her DH is planning on shooting the video from between her legs it is completely possible to take a PG-video showing no part of her vagina. My FI's parents have a video of his birth and I have seen it and saw nothing of his mother other than her face, shoulders, and stomach. It's about the BABY no one is going to be intimately filming her vag. No one care's about the mom during delivery it's all about the baby. People do things they are uncomfortable with all the time for their spouses, it's a part of marriage. If it is important to her DH she needs to suck it up and deal with it and just make sure the video is appropriate for other people to see.

You are nuts, sorry. She is the one GIVING BIRTH here and it is 100% her decision about who gets to see any video of her doing so. If its about the baby, then people are welcome to see video of the baby AFTER he or she is born.

I seriously can't believe anyone would suggest she "suck it up" on this. You suck it up about going to your in laws for Thanksgiving. You suck it up about your DH's habit of hogging the TV. You suck it up about your MIL's well meaning but annoying comments about your pregnancy diet. You do NOT suck it up about who is and isn't allowed to watch you give birth.

ETA the irony and humor of an unmarried 20 year old lecturing people on what marriage is about is not lost on me.

AndMe08 · November 2011

When I was pregnant with DS my dad filmed for a little bit while I was in labor, but once I started feeling the urge to push my dad turned the camera off & it was just my mom & hubby in the room with me.

I would definitely put my foot down, that's a private experience & it should only be shared with the people YOU choose. It's your body, not anybody else's.

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