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Family/friend reactions

GraciesueGraciesue
in Adoption

Anyone have a less-than-supportive reaction when they told people they were adopting? We are starting the process to adopt a daughter or a sibling sister group from Bulgaria. We have two bio sons and feel called to this...that's why we're doing it.

We've heard a variety of reactions, but the other day MIL tells me of a conversation with her friend and it was pretty apparent to me that this conversation was a "this is what my friend said but it's also really what I think" sort of a convo. Pretty passive aggressive if you ask me. She's been outwardly mildly supportive, but her questioning leads me to believe she doesn't like the idea.

So the friend said that she really thinks we need to go into this with our eyes open and that we need to talk to x, y and z because they either work in social work or they have had horrible, horrible experiences with adoption. She was not in favor of it at all.

How do you prevent non-supporters from discouraging you and questioning your decision? What do you say? Should I confront my MIL about her feelings?

I just told MIL that even though this is the first everyone has heard of the decision, it is something we have researched, prayed about and contemplated for months and months.

I'd also just like to add that I feel like God does not give you a calling only when the outcome will make your life easier than it is now. We know this is going to be really, really hard. We get that.

Anyway - thanks for letting me vent. I've heard of people reacting this way, but didn't think it would happen in OUR family. : )

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Re: Family/friend reactions

  • Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member

    I'm going to play devil's advocate and suggest that your MIL is dealing with fear of the unknown. She doesn't know why you'd want to adopt after you already have 2 beautiful kids. She doesn't know why you'd adopt from Bulgaria, especially when there are news reports like that woman who sent her kid back to the Russian orphanage. She doesn't know what the process is like, or what kinds of issues may be at play with whatever child(ren) you adopt. She doesn't know if they'll know English, or how long it will take them to learn. She doesn't know if they'll like you, or her. She doesn't know how your children will react.

    And she's probably under some peer pressure. You hear all the time about people who feel one way about something, but are easily influenced by people around them. That sounds like your MIL.

    I think you handled it fine. All of her fears may melt away when she meets her new grandkids. Or she may take some time to warm up to the idea and see what a positive thing it is for all of you.

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  • militarywife2bmilitarywife2b

    Our families were not crazy about my DH and I adopting 6 years ago but they had no idea of the journey we had been on trying to have a child and until we told them they just could not understand nor did they want to get behind us. Now they can't wait to meet our little addition. I agree with Dr. L she may be scared of the unknown maybe you and she can have a private chat to field what her concerns are. Wishing you the best on your journey :0)

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  • cadgirlcadgirl member

    We are pursing foster care, and my mom has made similar comments, but not necessarily hiding them behind the veil of a friend having asked them.

    Her comments have been that we should be talking to x, y, and z about foster care, people who have already done it, so we know what we're getting into.  I think it's a valid comment, and I know that if someone were to approach me after we are further along in the process, I would be open to telling my experiences, but it still feels kind of strange to go up to people that I hardly know and say, "so tell me about the joys and struggles you've had as a foster parent".  It sounds like I'm asking for all their personal, nitty-gritty details about things... and that is awkward!

    Foster parents turned adoptive parents :)
    Adoptive daughter born 08/07/13... growing so fast
    BM due again end of March 2015 so any day!
    Bloggy blog
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  • Art TeacherArt Teacher
    imageGraciesue:

    I just told MIL that even though this is the first everyone has heard of the decision, it is something we have researched, prayed about and contemplated for months and months.

    I think what you said was a great response...this is what you want to do for your family.  You feel called to do it.  You have researched it and you are not going into it blindly.

    If she says something in the future, I would repeat what you said and say you aren't looking for her to be discouraging; that you need her support. 

     

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  • Art TeacherArt Teacher

    BTW, when we told our MIL we were ending our infertility treatment and going to adopt, she had a very hard time with it. 

    SHE wasn't ready to give up the idea of what our family would be like (had we had biological kids.)  It took her time.  But she did come around.  I was very open with her and kept her updated on our progress each step of the way. 

    She's thrilled that we adopted now and can't imagine it any other way!

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  • GraciesueGraciesue

    Thank you! You ladies are so helpful and practical. You're absolutely 100% right about her wanting the best for us. That was a great reminder for me. And I'm sure she is afraid of the unknown. I'M afraid of the unknown!

    It's really hard to not get defensive when people question your decision.

    Thank you so much ladies.

    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers
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  • mommytoconnormommytoconnor member
    I think you handled her comment just right.  I met with the same type of stuff when I started the process of adoption.  After listening to their comments and trying to be all sweet and politically correct, I finally just said look this is my decision and you can either be 100% supportive or not be involved.  It's hard to get to this point, but you need to have support to get thru this challenging time and you need to make your choices known.  Perhaps if she keeps on being less than supportive, then have a heart to heart with her.  She's come around, but I know how hard it is to hear all the negative stuff when you have made your decision.  Remember it's your decision and not hers.  Good luck.
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