So sick of the double standard!

Sharon21 · November 2011

Why is it seemingly acceptable for other women to tell me I am crazy when I say that I gave birth med-free but if I said anything even remotely judgmental about someone getting an epidural I would be the bad guy?

FTR, I am not judgmental about epidurals. I could really care less if someone gets an epidural and if that is what they want then good for them. I am just sick and tired of getting the "your crazy" response. I am crazy for doing it the way it has been done for thousands of years? I am crazy for letting my body do what it was designed to do? I just don't understand how giving birth without medication warrants a "your crazy".

Even though I have been told this on several occasion (three times this weekend) I still never know how the f*ck to reply. It just makes me so mad that what I want to say is "I think that you are crazy for getting an epidural" not because I actually think that (I totally understand why some women want them) but so they know how it feels for someone to say that kind of sh!t. But I know I if I did say that I would somehow be the bad person and then the double standard makes me even more pissed.

tash_rn · November 2011

I completely agree! I get even more mad when people who have had scheduled elective C-Sections say this to me! I'm the crazy one when you elected major surgery over letting your body do what it does naturally? Or without even trying to let your body do what it does naturally? Yeah, I'm definitely the crazy one here Confused

MsCat19 · November 2011

I'm not discussing the fact I'm attempting to go med free, nor am I telling people I'm switching to a midwife. It's sad, but I really don't feel like dealing with the judgement of others... I'm getting enough people being jerks because I'm not finding out the gender. I'm done with explaining my choices to people... DH and I discuss it, and that's as far as it goes.

Sharon21 · November 2011

tash_rn:
I completely agree! I get even more mad when people who have had scheduled elective C-Sections say this to me! I'm the crazy one when you elected major surgery over letting your body do what it does naturally? Or without even trying to let your body do what it does naturally? Yeah, I'm definitely the crazy one here

Yeah, one of the ladies that said it to me this weekend is having an elective c-section. I really had to bite my tongue!

Sharon21 · November 2011

MsCat19:
I'm not discussing the fact I'm attempting to go med free, nor am I telling people I'm switching to a midwife. It's sad, but I really don't feel like dealing with the judgement of others... I'm getting enough people being jerks because I'm not finding out the gender. I'm done with explaining my choices to people... DH and I discuss it, and that's as far as it goes.

I certainly don't go around announcing it because of this reason. But right now I know a lot of women that are pregnant or just had babies and they are asking me how my labor and delivery went so it comes up.

sschwege · November 2011

That is annoying! I actually remember thinking about the naysayers once or twice while I was in labor and thought about how I was proving them all wrong. I'm stubborn like that though

I think sometimes women feel threatened by the idea of someone choosing to go med-free. Like by preparing for a med-free birth we are saying that there is something wrong with choosing to have an epi. My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time and she kind of went into it with a 'wait and see' attitude and I had made up my mind that I wanted a med-free birth. She got an epi and I did not. Awhile later we were talking and she admitted to me that after I had my DD she felt 'wimpy'. She felt like if I could handle it why couldn't she?

Sadly women in our society are very hard on themselves and each other. Just try to remind yourself that it is their insecurities they are expressing when they make comments like this.

redheadinlove · November 2011

I'm just 13 weeks but I had someone tell me their biggest piece of advice "GET AN EPIDURAL" honey, you don't even know what natural birth could be like because you got epis immediately for both kids! I just didn't reply at all, I went on to something else.

BakerMommy · November 2011

I totally agree! A while ago there was a post on another board about someone sending a mom-to-be and email saying she knew she could go natural, she was strong enough, etc. Everyone was saying how inappropriate it was of this mom to "force" her views on natural birth on the MTB. What if it had been reversed? Would people be up in arms, calling someone a b*tch if someone was telling a MTB that she should have an epidural? No. Double standard? Yes.

VMichonski · November 2011

Yup I've gotten the "your crazy" speil before. I not only get it for wanting to go natural but for wanting to BF and CD.

julesjarvais65 · November 2011

VMichonski:
Yup I've gotten the "your crazy" speil before. I not only get it for wanting to go natural but for wanting to BF and CD.

This. People tell me I'm gonna stop CDing as soon as I start. I just wanna ask if they've tried it and when they say no tell them to shut up. Sorry, a little harsh, but I'm so sick of people at this point (not that hormones help lol)

There have been a few people that I've asked why they are so set on getting an epi and not even trying it without and most can't give an answer other than, oh if I can go without pain, why not?

My sister said that she thinks I should get it in case I need a c-section. Then I feel like I am preparing for a c-section, which, obviously, I'm not. She has since learned that she just needs to support me.

Bluescarf · November 2011

sschwege:

That is annoying! I actually remember thinking about the naysayers once or twice while I was in labor and thought about how I was proving them all wrong. I'm stubborn like that though

I think sometimes women feel threatened by the idea of someone choosing to go med-free. Like by preparing for a med-free birth we are saying that there is something wrong with choosing to have an epi. My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time and she kind of went into it with a 'wait and see' attitude and I had made up my mind that I wanted a med-free birth. She got an epi and I did not. Awhile later we were talking and she admitted to me that after I had my DD she felt 'wimpy'. She felt like if I could handle it why couldn't she?

Sadly women in our society are very hard on themselves and each other. Just try to remind yourself that it is their insecurities they are expressing when they make comments like this.

I was thinking this too. When people ask me about my birth experience and found out I went med-free in a waterbirth, they jump into the story of why they had an epi or c-section. Okay, they're sharing, that's fine. Except...it sounds more defensive and like they are trying to justify why they did these things, even though I never questioned them or made them feel like they needed to. I have to admit though, when someone tells me they felt the same thing I did because their epi "wore off", it does piss me off a little. However, I get why people make different choices. I made my choice for myself and my baby, not anyone else.

ILoveRunning · November 2011

I honestly don't care what other women (or men) say about natural childbirth. I figure that everyone is entitled to their opinion and that most of them are just commenting on it because they think it is crazy to have to deal with the pain when there is ways to manage it. What DOES bother me is when you have medical professionals making comments on it, or anyone else involved in labor support (spouse, mom, etc). It didn't happen to me, but I can't stand it when I read about women who have basically been taunted by someone they had thought they could trust.

veganxvictoria · November 2011

I defiantly think it's because people feel like if you are right for doing it med free it means they were wrong so they try to prove to you and themselfs that it's crazy and they were right. I have to hear it all the time from my coworkers also how my life is basically gonna be terrible now that i'm having kids i usually just laugh it off but the other day i was feeling quite snappy and spun around and told on coworker the reason i didn't want to use meds was because i would never forgive myself if something happened to my baby and because we were to high from pain meds he couldn't fight for his life all so i could be comfy that shut them up real fast. Also like someone else said i've heard endless critsism about breast feedding, cloths dipiars and being vegan.

cros8380 · November 2011

Oye. This is such a frustrating thing to have to withstand, but part of me still thinks that it is important (depsite the reaction) to let other women know that you are planning to do it (or did it) med-free. In a culture where it seems that everyone has an epidural (in person, on TV, in movies)...the percentage of us who buck that system do need to let ourselves be known! Maybe, just maybe, there is one person we tell who might think twice about choosing an elective c-section or epidural because they think it's "what everyone else does".

julesjarvais65 · November 2011

I actually had someone at work tell me I was stupid for not wanting the epidural today. Like wasn't just joking around, actually looked at me with a weird look and said "Your stupid". Made me want to punch her in the face. Screw her. Just because she decided not to do it doesn't mean I'm stupid for making that decision.

Done venting. Sorry.

HSartteach · November 2011

This bothers me as well. I don't let too many people know that we are using a midwife, a birthing center, or going med-free. I just don't want to deal with the looks and the comments about not getting an epi. And I am really bothered by the fact that it is okay to give me crap about not getting one, and I can't give crap about someone else getting one.

In the end, I really don't care what others do...I wish you (the general you) didn't care about my choices.

caitlindenise · November 2011

I was excatly one of those women who was going to get an epidural because "everyone else does it". I spoke with a friend who did natural childbirth and she completely changed my mind. I want to do it because it seems so much better for the baby and also for me. And yes my husband and I are keeping it to ourselves because I don't want to hear other people's opinions. If they ask we're saying "I/my wife haven't/hasn't really decided yet.

mstroud23 · November 2011

This is very annoying. DH tells everyone who asks about us having kids that we're going natural when we do and how proud he is be married to such a strong woman. It seriously makes me happy. I don't tell anyone, so he gets the comments. At work yesterday someone told him he shouldn't support my reckless decision. I guess he went straight to his boss and asked to work in another dept for the day because he was so upset by this person.

I think people don't know better. I told DH he shouldn't be so easily upset by that, and instead he should find out why this person thinks going natural is reckless and use it as an opportunity to educate someone.

[Deleted User] · November 2011

I definitely encountered this a lot more when I was pregnant. I would usually just smile and say "we'll see" whenever someone gave me the "you're crazy" or "you'll be begging for an epidural" line. I didn't like to talk about it much before, but now that I've done it, I feel better standing up for myself and explaining why it was the right decision for me.

Of course, I still haven't seen most of my friends since before the delivery so if they know I went med-free, it's because they heard it through the grapevine. If anyone asks me why I didn't get an epidural, I'll probably tell them that I didn't think the pain was ever bad enough to outweigh the loss of freedom and the medical risks that come with an epidural. Which is true.

If they think that makes me a judgmental b!tch, then so be it. They brought it up.

nonoemily · November 2011

I found a trick to this conversation that works for me!

I explain that I really wanted to go with a certain midwife/birth center and the epidural isn't an option.

I never get into the politics of medicated vs. natural birth. I just say, "Oh, you know I hate doctors and hospitals. I love my midwife and the birth center is like a bed & breakfast! It's gonna be great, you guys!"

Of course, this doesn't work if you plan to go med-free in hospital, but I just thought I'd share what I've been working with.

JNoelleE · November 2011

Bluescarf:
sschwege:

That is annoying! I actually remember thinking about the naysayers once or twice while I was in labor and thought about how I was proving them all wrong. I'm stubborn like that though

I think sometimes women feel threatened by the idea of someone choosing to go med-free. Like by preparing for a med-free birth we are saying that there is something wrong with choosing to have an epi. My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time and she kind of went into it with a 'wait and see' attitude and I had made up my mind that I wanted a med-free birth. She got an epi and I did not. Awhile later we were talking and she admitted to me that after I had my DD she felt 'wimpy'. She felt like if I could handle it why couldn't she?

Sadly women in our society are very hard on themselves and each other. Just try to remind yourself that it is their insecurities they are expressing when they make comments like this.

I was thinking this too. When people ask me about my birth experience and found out I went med-free in a waterbirth, they jump into the story of why they had an epi or c-section. Okay, they're sharing, that's fine. Except...it sounds more defensive and like they are trying to justify why they did these things, even though I never questioned them or made them feel like they needed to. I have to admit though, when someone tells me they felt the same thing I did because their epi "wore off", it does piss me off a little. However, I get why people make different choices. I made my choice for myself and my baby, not anyone else.

I don't think we have to say anything to make them feel defensive. The truth is, they choose to numb the pain, and we are choosing, or chose, to embrace it. I don't have any problem with people deciding to do what they think is best for themselves, but I do understand why they would feel that way. Probably the same reason we feel proud of ourselves for not getting one. It just is what it is.

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