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Crazy MIL, DH who doesn't stick up for you?
::Raises BOTH hand::
Please tell me I'm not alone. I've had more discussions than I can count with DH about his Mom. They have basically no relationship except for DH calling her about once a month (she thinks it's the "child's" job to call the parent, even though DH is nearly 32 years old!). So it's not like he's a Mama's boy or something. But he refuses to stand up for me when she attacks me. I mean he sits in the corner and says nothing. He is very much a people pleaser, always has been, but I feel like he's trying to please everyone but ME when it comes to his Mom. She brings out the crocodile tears and makes him feel horrible, even though she's the one who caused all the drama to begin with. It's amazing to me how manipulative she can be. And how such an intelligent man doesn't see it!
She, thankfully, lives 3,000 miles away and only visits 3x a year. I know I could have it worse. We had a major issue during her last visit which ended with her screaming at me for 30 minutes and hanging up on me. And telling DH "maybe I was wrong but I'm not ready to apologize to Sara yet". Flash forward to this week and she's here again. She apparently still isn't ready to apologize cause she still hasn't. Well she laid into me again last night, this time with DH there. I mean she is a total nut-case. I could write a novel with the stories I have, but just take my word for it. She wants to never call DH or ask about DS the other 49 weeks of the year she's not here, but waltz into town on these visits and claim to be Mom/Grandma of the Year.
The biggest issue I have is the fights it causes between DH and I. It irks me even more than her personally. That we're letting her of all people come between us. I am a very strong willed person and was raised to stand up for myself. It's not that I *need* him to, it would just be nice. Or to at least have some back up when I'm standing up for myself. I can't seem to really get through to him. On one hand he'll admit she was 100% wrong and shouldn't treat me the way she has been lately, but then on the other hand would never tell her that.
Do I just give up trying? Is there something that's worked for you in a similar situation? I'm about to pull my hair out!!!
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Re: Crazy MIL, DH who doesn't stick up for you?
Would counseling help? Maybe a neutral 3rd party would help you learn how to discuss her without it being a fight, and give your DH the tools to confront his mom without it turning into WWIII.
And have you talked to him about why he doesn't stand up for you? Maybe he's never had anyone stand up to her. Maybe when someone did, they got it a million times worse than if they just shut up and put up with her, so he's continuing the pattern. Maybe he's focusing on the fact that, no matter what, she's his mom and he doesn't feel like he can say anything to her. Or a lot of other reasons?
My MIL is annoying as hell, but DH is aware of it and we usually discuss it before, during, and after visits with her. She's not mean though, so I have that to be thankful for. I know that my grandma was a b*tch to my mom, and my parents just tried to ignore her because they didn't have to see her very often.
GL to you. I'm starting to think a MIL that a woman likes is a rare thing indeed.
This is his point exactly. No one ever tells her she's wrong and when they have, it never ends up good. I even told her last night I was done trying to change her. She obviously believes the way she lives her life and how she treats me is more than ok. I wasn't interested anymore. I have an amazingly close and loving relationship with both of my parents, I don't need a relationship with her when it comes down to it. That was the only time she had not a single thing to say back to me. I have known her for over 13 years and she's never tried to get to know me or my family. And I thought having DS would make it better, she'd actually care if just for him. That never happened.
My DH and I are taking baby steps in this area. We've been to counseling for 18 mos because he prioritizes his mother over me, he takes her side in everything and if she wants something she guilts him into doing it. He even used to discuss big life decisions (that he and I needed to talk about) with his mother first. After the second time I told him if he continued to do that I was leaving and our counselor said he was way out of line and he finally got it. He is very much a mama's boy and always has been and I've often felt if push came to shove he would always choose his mother over me. He is getting better at realizing that DS and I come first and then our parents and siblings are second, but he has to be reminded often.
He says that he is going to stand up for me when MIL undermines me with DS, but that is unlikely to happen and I am probably going to have to put her in her place myself which will lead to a fight between me and DH. The bad thing is they live 15 miles from us so I can't really avoid them. Before DS I worked it so DH saw them whenever he wanted and I only had to see them about 4 times a year. Since DS has been born I've had to see them monthly and sometimes more.
I hate the DH and I fight about him not sticking up for me with MIL or him going along with her craziness and enabling her. It sucks. Counseling really did help us and I think we may be back to a place where we need to start going again. I despise my MIL and wish she would just go away. DH tried to escape her once and moved here (CA) from Iowa, well MIL packed up FIL and SIL and moved to CA (the same city we live in) 6 mos later even though they had already bought property in another state to retire in. She just can't let go and it's beyond annoying.
Long story short I can totally sympathize with where you are. Hang in there.
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
DH - DX Azoospermia - Sertoli Cell Syndrome
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E, I feel like we are married to the same person and have the same manipulative MIL. If you didn't live on the other side of the country I'd think they were hiding a brother from me ;-). Good for you for laying it out there for him!
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
DH - DX Azoospermia - Sertoli Cell Syndrome
DS-IUI #1-4 BFN IVF #1 - BFP! It's a boy!!!
It took me a long time to get DH to see that by not sticking up for me he was taking her side and making her feel justified in her actions. My situations were always different than what you describe though, my MIL is passive-aggressive and talked about me behind my back never to my face. But I did get him to understand that by staying out of it, when he clearly agreed with me, was the same as taking her side. MIL also used SIL to manipulate getting her point across to us, so I had to point out that MIL had SIL and I had no one, and that he is supposed to be on my team.
I'm not sure how DH would have acted if there had been some sort of blow up face to face that he witnessed. I would like to think that he would have taken up for me but I can't guarantee it. I finally got DH on my page a little over 2 years ago, I insisted that she is not the example of a functional family that I want to set for DS. DH and I's only fights were about her and I finally got him to see that it was not ok for him to set the example for DS that it's ok for her to talk about me the way she did or witness our dysfunctional interactions. I think what got through to him was that he didn't want DS to grow up seeing that type of dysfunction. We were going to insist that she go to some type of counseling and we could be involved depending on her preference/progress. Right around this same time there was an unrelated turn of events and she is no longer in our lives by her choice.
Since you only see her a few times a year I would concentrate on getting DH to see the importance of sticking up for you and being on your side. If he doesn't come around with a good sit down between the 2 of you then I would try to get him to go to a counseling session or two, an outside, unbiased opinion can be very helpful.
TTC #2 with PCOS since September 2009
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Boo Sara! I feel ya man! My MIL is a wack job. And mean on top of it. Counseling has worked well for us, but still not perfect. DH finally started standing up for me this summer, but it took her texting me, calling me a horrid name (starts with C, and rhymes with Hunt) ::shudders:: for him to say something, and that is because he actually read the text I think.
Anywho... Yes, stand up for himself. If it makes DH uncomfortable, so be it. He is making you incredibly uncomfortable by not intervening, and at this point, if he does not set the boundaries, you need to.