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Jeter1028
member
Newbie - Pregnant and going thru Divorce
Jeter1028
member
Hi everyone. My name is Crystal, 27 from St Louis MO. I'm 18 weeks into my pregnancy and within the past 2 weeks it has been decided that I am getting a divorce. This is unbelievably difficult for me - especially since I am pregnant with my first child. I never imagined in a million years that I'd be a single mother - but that is the way things are looking.
I guess I'm just looking to find people to talk to about the same things I'm going through now and what I'll be going through in the future.
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Re: Newbie - Pregnant and going thru Divorce
It's my first child and it was a planned pregnancy. We were trying to get pregnant for 6 months. Soon after we learned I was pregnant he freaked out and didn't want to deal with the house, wife, kids lifestyle. He wanted to be single and discover what he wants in life-go figure! Needless to say, it's been very devastating. I've moved out of our house (God knows who he brings in there now). We are only in touch through lawyers. He initially was calling me, emailing and threatening me to get an abortion. I almost did, given the change in my marriage, but then I remembered how much I've always wanted to be a mom. I waited 3 years for him to be ready to be a dad and when he finally said he's ready, I got off the pill and we started trying to conceive.
I thought we'd share the joy of this pregnancy together. We had bought a new house the year before and had the nursery room picked out. We were saving to upgrade for a bigger car in preparation for the little guy. It's been so different doing it on my own.
At this stage of my pregnancy, I've slowed down so much and don't have a lot of energy. I'm so glad I moved closer to family because I could not do this on my own. My brother helped me set up the crib and I go shopping for baby clothes with my sister.
I never imagined it this way and I have some really bad days because I'm still dealing with divorce lawyers and mourning my marriage (I'm sure the pregnancy hormones don't help either). Other days, I'm fine and just take it one day at a time. It's gotten better these last few weeks and I don't get as sad as before. There were days and nights when all I did was cry. I know once the baby gets here, I'll discover a new love and that will keep me occupied. Now, I think of it as more his loss. He lost a great wife and he's chosen to miss out on his only child's life.
I hope he finds what he's looking for in life because after everything he's put me and his unborn child through, I will never forgive him or go near him again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes, it's been very hard, but the first few months were harder for me than now. It's gotten better now because I've had time to wrap my head around it and come to terms with it. I had the hardest time between 18 weeks and 7 months pregnancy. It gets better, but you just have to do it one day at a time until it does.
Please keep yourself around those who care for you. That has made all the difference for me. It does get better.
My XH walked out of our marriage when I was 10 weeks along. We TTC for over a year, and this child was very much planned. First for both, married for 4 years, together for 10. My divorce was final two weeks ago. I am 31 weeks now, and we haven't spoken in almost 2 months. I didn't speak to him at the divorce hearing.
First, and foremost, PLEASE gather your support group around you. Your friends, your family, whatever you have been using while your marriage is failing. Two, I know it's said a lot here, but get yourself into therapy. It's a life saver. Three, probably most important, get a lawyer.
How am I getting through this? I don't think I really have a choice. You have to. Your baby needs you to. I see my therapist every two weeks, I have a fablous family, friends who are beyond supportive and I CUT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE outside of the child. That last one is huge. If he makes no effort beyond making you feel bad, there is no reason to speak to him until the baby is born. Work out a parenting plan with your attorney and once the baby is born, you will already be strong enough to deal with seeing him again- that's what the therapy is for.
Easier said then done, I know. Keep your eyes on the prize- you have to figure out what that means for you. For me it was getting XH to sign over 100% physical custody. In my case that was best. Figure out what's best for you, and then make sure all your actions are directed toward that.
Good luck. You can do this. You already are.