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May 2012 Moms
fyziksgirl
member
How do you tell people to back off of names?
fyziksgirl
member
DH and I do not want to tell people our baby names because I really don't care about their opinions. However, almost no one is respectful of this, and they keep pushing and pushing when I tell them we haven't decided yet or that we don't want to share. I have social anxiety disorder, which means I'm very susceptible to bullying, so I have a hard time standing up to them. The first time someone did this I gave in and spilled the fourth time they asked in 10 minutes, and then I was really upset afterwards.
So, my question of you ladies: How do you tell people that you're not going to share your names and make them believe it?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How do you tell people to back off of names?
Tell them you haven't decided or just flat out tell them that you and DH are keeping the names to yourselves for personal reasons.
Unfortunately, you are going to have to learn to put your foot down with some people. For some reason people seem to think that everything about a couple's pregnancy is their business. I'm having the same trouble with my MIL who is VERY pissed that we are not finding out the sex or sharing names. Oh well...it's our decision.
And what if you tell them you're really stumped and then ask them for names instead?
OR ... do what my husband's cousin did. She told everyone the baby would be named Stanislaus.
I know how you feel, I also have social anxiety disorder which has made being pregnant very difficult in some ways because so much attention is on me and I am put in situations that I might not normally have to deal with, not to mention dealing with new people such as my doctor and ultrasound technicians. I can't answer the phone, it's one of my problems and suddenly everyone is calling me! Doctors, in-laws, friends. It's all very scary anyway, but even more so for someone who suffers from severe anxiety.
I also have a similar problem with people asking me if I am going to find out the sex. THey just don't back down, no matter what I say. If I say yes, they tell me "Oh no, you shouldn't it's the most wonderful surprise." If I say no, they tell me "Oh you should, we did!" And if I give some non-committal answer they try to bully me anyway. And I can't tell them to mind their own business and let me make my own decision because I am too anxious and afraid to do so. So I end up telling everyone the answer I think they want to hear.
I'm pretty vague....."you know we are tossing a lot around but haven't really narrowed anything down."
So far though the only one who's been obnoxious about it is my mom lol, and it's easy enough to tell her to back off thankfully.
Ditto FyreFlye. We're telling people we aren't finding out the sex and haven't even considered names yet-- and we won't decide until baby comes out.
People respond better to "I don't know" than "I'm not telling," so maybe that will work better?
I know it seems so intrusive that people are bugging you, but another way to see it is that they're just really (maybe overly) excited for you and just want to be a part of the excitement... It's very likely they don't realize they're bothering you, so if you politely tell them it stresses you out when people ________, they'll very likely back off and apologize.
Good luck!
...............the papeete blog...............
I don't like the name discussion either because (a) I don't really care what other people think and b) we haven't really decided and won't decide until we meet the baby.
For now, we just tell them about (b) and/or make up fake names. Our last name is Spear so I tell people it will be either Britney or William Shake. If they get the joke, they laugh and I change the subject. If they don't get the joke, that ends the conversation as well!
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
This exactly. My mom was the worst when I was pg with DS. Sometimes the most direct answer is the best, it gets the point across and with the exception of my mom no one esle brought up names again with us.
Think of this as a chance to help overcome your disorder in some way. Honestly, no matter what you say (yes, no, I don't know, I don't care) people will have an opinion and the WILL share it. Some of them are just excited about the prospect of pregnancy and want to take part in the fun and start up a conversation about it.... and then some of them are just being bullies. If their being nice about it and just offering opinions just say something like "yeah thats a good point." (even if you really don't think it is... they just want to be heard.) Or just smile and nod and eventually they will start feeling awkward and go away. lol.
If they are being a bully just give your answer or shrug your shoulders and then walk away or start a conversation with someone else... Don't let them have the control of the conversation.. that only gives them a chance to bully you more.
Most of all... don't let them make you feel intimidated... its not worth it. Every choice you make from this point forward will be questioned so its time to start finding YOUR way of making that no matter to you. Your child, your decision. Thanks everyone for your opinion but get off my back.
Good luck!
Make a pregnancy ticker
4th BFP-August 2014- Due May 12, 2015
BFP 9/22/10, mc confirmed 10/31/10
4 month break from TTC
BFP #2 3/17/11, CP confirmed 3/22/10
BFP #3 9/7/11 Stick, baby, stick!
People don't respond well to 'we're not sharing' because they hear "We know and you won't find out, so there." DH and I have decided to never say that we have even thought about it because we don't want to go there.
That being said, if people you are dealing with are as difficult as you imply, say something like "Well since you are so insistent it sounds like you have some really strong feelings about it." Chances are, they will see that their behavior is ridiculous since it isn't their baby.
If they don't realize that, they might just be stumped for a response. Option 1 is saying yes, they do have strong feelings, in which case they would be trying to name your baby for you. Bit odd. Hopefully that would make them see it is not up to them.
Option 2 is saying they don't have strong feelings about it, which means that they shouldn't be insisting on finding out information. Instead, they are just being nosy and annoying.
GL!
You could just tell them you haven't picked out names yet!
My husband and I are not revealing names either, and it's surprising that people really tend to get annoyed by this! I mean some have gotten seriously peeved! Hello, it's our baby!! We do it mainly because we know of several people who have "stolen" baby names when told and we don't want that to happen with us, we want ours to be unique. Plus, we really want it to be a surprise for when the baby is born...so that's what we tell them, "We just really want to keep it a surprise until birth". It's amazing how pushy some people can be. In the end, it's your baby and your business, not theirs!!
Ooooh, I love this! It responds to them in saying you're not going to share, but then acknowledges I still respect their input and am happy to talk about their opinions (which is really what they probably want anyway). If they're uncomfortable sharing their opinions out of the blue, maybe they'd get that I'd be uncomfortable, too
Thanks!
And thanks for all the responses! I have tried fake names, I have tried saying we haven't thought about it, I haven't tried saying we aren't sharing directly b/c I figured ppl would get annoyed. Unfortunately, with an anxiety disorder, there's only so much "deciding to stand firm" you can do (just like with a heart disorder there's only so much "deciding it will pump right" you can do), so I need to come up with an angle that will bolster me so I can stand behind it. I think this one might be perfect, and will work all the way up until I am ready to pop!