Update on my life to explain being MIA :-( Unfortunately long — The Bump
North Carolina Babies

Update on my life to explain being MIA :-( Unfortunately long

I've been peeking on the board, but haven't responded much, but it's been a crazy month to say the least. MH's mother was in the hospital for two weeks for C-Diff [highly infectious, much like MRSA] when normally people recover much quicker. While she was there, they discovered a "spot" on her liver. She chose not to have this hospital address the spot until she was discharged and go could to the same hospital she used when she had lung cancer back in February, and the same hospital that did a complete PET scan in August and declared her Cancer Free.

At the beginning of October, a week after being discharged, she had her appointment at the second hospital and was informed that it was terminal liver cancer, there was no use doing treatment because it had spread so much and she had six months to live! That's about when I posted last saying I was going on a road trip at 35 weeks pregnant up to NH.

On Monday, she got her diagnosis, went home and cried and sat on the couch and had a glass of wine and said she was too young to die. MH and I started making plans to drive up that weekend and stay for a week. 

On Tues, she climbed in bed and stayed there most of the time. I started packing thinking maybe we should commit to two weeks for sure.

On Wednesday, she stopped eating and only started taking in water. BIL thought she might make it four weeks more. I added to my packing list items needed in order to deliver the baby up there.

Thursday was the last day she sat upright. I tossed in a black dress and asked MH if he had packed anything for a potential funeral. He hadn't and I switched topics.

Friday she wasn't able to verbalize her needs very well and took to moaning and grunting and twitching her body to indicate where it hurt. As I was loading Katie into the car to start our 45 minute commute, MH called me sobbing. He was having a mental breakdown in the parking lot at work because the reality had started to hit him. I felt HELPLESS! I started driving to his work 60 minutes away to pick him up, the whole time trying to calm him down, call his boss and explain he wouldn't be in today, call my boss and say I'd be working from home, and then calling him back to reassure him some more.

We started our 14 hrs of drive time on Saturday and had planned to take it slow in 2 seven hr increments since I was 35 wks pg and shouldn't be making the trip anyway. Four hours in, we got the call that her urine was turning pinkish red and MH decided we were going to drive straight through. At 1am I made him pull over and it broke my heart but I just couldn't take the drive anymore. We slept for 4 hrs and got back on the road.

For the week and a half we were up there, she only opened her eyes twice. She couldn't communicate beyond moans but we knew she could hear us. The entire family was there [the other sister from NC with her kids made the drive days after us] and there were 11 of us living in a three bedroom house for several days.  For four days, the hospice nurse would tell us daily that she wouldn't make it another day, and yet she did. When the meds needed to be given every 2 hrs instead of 4 and the family was exhausted from that and the death rallys...is this her last breath?...they decided to admit her to a hospice house. She lasted another two days there before finally passing. I'm sad that she's gone, but it had been so tough on the family physically and emotionally so in that respect it's a relief.

The night she died is the night New England had the snowstorm that knocked out power for a week. MH and I were at his sister's house the night she died, huddled on the couch under a ton of blankets trying to keep warm. The next day, I realized that MH was having a really hard time processing his grief being in his sister's house [she played the martyr card one too many times] and then BIL snapped at him over something stupid because BIL was catering to his wife and her grief, which made me angry. MH's mother just died too, so he needed the respect and sympthy as much as SIL did. I made the decision that we were going to check into a hotel further down south where there was still power and get him out of that environment in order to properly grieve.

At this point, I was near my breaking point both physically, emotionally and mentally. I was doing everything I could to be there for him and lighten his burden physically and emotionally, but it was beginning to take its toll on me. I had about two sobfests of my own [thank you 36 week pregnancy hormones], and asked him if we could end our trip early and head home. We went over to her house, packed up any belonings and mementos of hers that MH wanted to keep into our mini-van and on Tuesday, we began our long drive back home. We were gone a week and a half, but it was utterly exhausting. I had one more melt down when we got home [poor Best Buy clerk watching a sobbing pregnant woman wrangle a naughty toddler in the middle of her store].

It's taken me a week to get back to a better state of mind, and now I can start concentrating on how uncomfortable I am physically. ;-) I'll be 38 weeks pregnant tomorrow, and I took pictures last night to compare my belly to Katie's pregnancy, and I am about twice the size this time at 38 weeks than I was to Katie's 30 weeks.

Thank you to those that were keeping up with all of this via FB and were sending me messages and texts. That meant so much to me!! I wasn't able to do much more than quick blurbs on there to update people, thus why I'm finally now on here posting the whole long story.

Thanks for reading this, if you managed to make it to the end. It was very theraputic to get it all out.

Katie, Duke Gardens, 6months

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Zach, Duke Gardens, 6months

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Photo courtesy from the amazing Ever You Photography!

Re: Update on my life to explain being MIA :-( Unfortunately long

  • Oh my, I saw your FB updates, but just cannot imagine.  You have been in my thoughts & prayers. Big, BIG, BIG hugs to you.  I can't believe you are 38 weeks! Time has flown.  I hope that the next week(s) fly by for you and the birth of your little one brings everyone great joy.  Left Hug
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  • wow K, what a sad death for your MIL and the entire family.  It was so quick and must have been so devastating for everyone. I can only imagine how you felt.  I'm glad you are back and glad that you are better mentally.  That is a lot to take in and then being pregnant it just makes it harder.  Hugs. 

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  • That is excrutiating to hear.  I am so very sorry for your family's loss.  (((hugs)))
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  • I'm so sorry K. That is an absolutely devastating loss. Lots of hugs & prayers sent your way. 

    I can't believe you are 38 weeks! I agree with PP, a new baby will bring a lot of joy to your family when its needed most! 

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  • I am so sorry for your and DH's loss.  I remember those last 10 days with my mom while she was in hospice house.  And her husband was the jacka$$ to us... Death is so hard.  Glad you are home and baby should be here soon!
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  • I have been thinking of you and your family. I am glad your MIL is at peace and I am sure the new baby will just be a wonderful new start for everyone. Hope you are feeling better yourself (mind and body).

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  • Oh wow, I saw your FB updates too, but I knew there was a lot more going on that you couldn't share. :hugs: Your family has been through so much. I just can't imagine what it was like for you going through all that at almost full term! If you made it through with just a few sobfests, you should be proud! I'm so sorry for the loss of your MIL. :( I hope your H is doing okay.

    Like others have said, I hope that baby boy will bring joy to the family after such a difficult and sad time.

  • I'd been following you on FB and thinking about you guys.  I'm glad you made it back to deliver here. 

    What an awesome wife you are for pushing through all of that.  I know you didn't really have a choice but you were also severely limited in what you could do.  ((Hugs)) to you and your family as well as his.

    On another note, it always makes me wonder how strong a positive mental outlook is with those things.  How crazy is it that she died right after getting her diagnosis?

    May she RIP.  My heart goes out to you all!

  • I'm so sorry for your loss!  It sounds like you were a very supportive wife for your husband in his time of need.  {{hugs}}
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  • My heart breaks for you and your husband.  Glad you are in a better state of mind now - I can't imagine how difficult this was for you with a toddler and so pregnant.  Ugh!  HUGS!
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  • imageECUPirate04:

    On another note, it always makes me wonder how strong a positive mental outlook is with those things.  How crazy is it that she died right after getting her diagnosis?

    Exactly! To be told physically she could go six more months and then die within two weeks shows there is a strong mental component. I knew she wouldn't last the six months, because she didn't have a strong will to live to begin with [she missed her husband who died 12 years earlier].

    DH and I made a pact that if/when we get terminal diagnoses, the other one is immediatley going to blurt out "well then let's have one more big hooray. Pack your bags". I told him my hospice house needed to be overlooking the ocean in Hawaii. ;-)

    Katie, Duke Gardens, 6months

    ry%3D400

    Zach, Duke Gardens, 6months

    ry%3D400

    Photo courtesy from the amazing Ever You Photography!

  • imageMRSGOLABONTE:
    imageECUPirate04:

    On another note, it always makes me wonder how strong a positive mental outlook is with those things.  How crazy is it that she died right after getting her diagnosis?

    Exactly! To be told physically she could go six more months and then die within two weeks shows there is a strong mental component. I knew she wouldn't last the six months, because she didn't have a strong will to live to begin with [she missed her husband who died 12 years earlier].

    DH and I made a pact that if/when we get terminal diagnoses, the other one is immediatley going to blurt out "well then let's have one more big hooray. Pack your bags". I told him my hospice house needed to be overlooking the ocean in Hawaii. ;-)

    It has always been fascinating to me.  Also, I agree with your outlook :)  The good news is it sounds like your MIL is at peace now with her husband.

  • I am so sorry.  I can't imagine getting that terminal diagnosis, nor can I imagine a parent getting that diagnosis.  It sounds like it was a very rough almost two weeks for you.   Your poor DH.

    At least she is at peace now, though I know that is small comfort to those who love and miss her.

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  • So sorry about the loss ::hugs::
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  • Wow, you've both been through so much! I'm sorry for your loss and and the difficulties over the last few weeks. I'm glad you'll be home to deliver your baby. You're an amazing wife now time to take care of you. Hope you're getting some rest!
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  • I have been praying so hard for you guys while u were gone cuz i knew you had a lot on your shoulders esp. with the relationship between u and MIL. But knowing both you adn your DH well I know he really appreciated all you did for him to be able to be there and have that time with his mom! Lots of hugs to you and i plan to give you both some when i see you. but you are right that your lil guy will be the blessing your family needs and to bring happiness in your lives!
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  • Wow, I can't even imagine the stress you've been under! Going through that with a toddler, and being 9 months pregnant, and with the snow storm to boot! You are a trooper, and I'm glad you made it home before DS arrived. As others said, I hope the new baby can bring joy to your DH and you after these tough times!
    Rachel & Bill 9-10-05, Liam Andrew born 5-30-08 (formerly lakebride05)
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