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Attachment Parenting
Have I "spoiled" her?
For the past few days, DD screams and cries whenever I leave her sight, and more often than not, I have to be physically holding her. She's perfectly fine as long as I'm holding her.
I know it's not teething because when she was teething, it didn't matter whether I was holding her, the only thing that would help was teethers and teething tablets.
I feel like I have a newborn again! Help! Is this a developmental phase, or did I create a monster by responding to my child? I can't get anything done, and she even objects to being in a back carry. All I wanted to do was make sure DD knows I'm here for her, by responding to her cries- did I do something wrong?
How do I help her feel secure knowing that I'm there if she needs me, but not have to be in physical contact with her all.the.time. I seriously can't even pee without her screaming bloody murder. And how long is too long to let her cry if I have to do something?
It's ridiculous that I only have one child and I still can't manage to have dinner ready when DH gets home, and yesterday I didn't even get to shower until he got home. I'm so overwhelmed. When DH got home yesterday, he took DD for a walk, told me to take a nice long shower, and ordered some takeout. I just cried and cried in the shower.
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Re: Have I "spoiled" her?
You CANNOT spoil a 7mth old.
It sounds like she has hit the seperation anxity stage.
https://www.positive-parenting-ally.com/baby-separation-anxiety.html
This link has some great tips. It sounds like you are doing a great job. Your daughter loves you so much that she wants to be with all the time.
It gets better.
Spoiling is buying her a new car when her tires get bald.
Loving is what you're doing and she wants it 24/7 and it won't hurt a darn thing in the world.
"How long is too long to let her cry if I have to do something?"
That depends. Is she fussing or in distress? Can you give her something to hold or play with while you're busy? Can you talk to her from wherever you are?
I heard a saying once that I love, "If parenting is easy, you're doing it wrong." Big hugs for your shower cry. I'm so glad that DH is understanding and supportive. There will be more shower cries to come. It's hard being a mama and feeling like you're spread too thin. Don't push yourself to the point that you're raving mad. It will get better. I promise. DS1 is 19 mo and more often than not, I can't catch him for a snuggle and he used to be just like your DD.
No, she'd do the same no matter what. It's the age. And the separation anxiety will come and go over the next two years. In my house it comes back every day when it's time to cook or when I'm trying to get everybody dressed and out of the house.
It's ok if she cries while you pee. It's ok to stick some noisy obnoxious toy in front of her if it'll entertain her for 60 seconds while you pee. It's ok for her to sit in the bathroom with you while you pee. It's ok for her to sit on a little potty (naked or fully dressed) while you pee so she can pretend along with you. Whatever works - and they'll all work on different days and none of them will always work.
Can you take her in the shower with you? Once DS was a steady sitter, I would put him in the corner of the shower stall out of the direct spray while I had my shower. He still showers with me almost all the time, but now he gets wet and plays.
Getting dinner cooked is the hard part. I wasn't willing to babywear while cooking, but I did it while prepping for dinner. But actually cooking dinner doesn't take long and can be done after DH gets home. It goes fast if you can get the prep work done ahead of time - which might mean prepping your veggies, chopping onions, marinading meat, etc, the night before (so after the kids are asleep I sometimes prep tomorrow's dinner), or doing that work during naptime or whatever time baby is happy to be alone even if that's 10am or 3pm and not your normal work on dinner time.
But honestly, I think having DH take the baby as soon as he gets home is awesome. That's what we used to do. He'd take them to the park, or do bathtime, or just keep them out of my hair so I could cook or clean or just be alone. He's been away from them all day, so he wanted to be with the kids and I just wanted 10minutes by myself even if I spent that 10 minutes cleaning the litter boxes or washing diapers. And yeah, I think most of us have also spent some of that time crying in the shower. Some days are like that.
Meh I think its probably separation anxiety BUT honestly? pee by yourself. Put her somewhere safe and pee by yourself.
Shower by yourself.
I personally don't think any great harm is done by putting baby in a pack and play so you can have a hot shower, a hot meal, or pee. She'll learn that you do come back and that she can figure things out for a few minutes while you're gone.
This.
I put my daughter in her bouncer when I shower, so if she does fuss then I can peak out and make silly faces at her. She's also pretty content to sit in her high chair so I can get stuff done in the kitchen, and I will even bring other work to the kitchen table/move her high chair to another room.
HTH & good luck. Hopefully this phase will pass soon! My daughter is almost at that age so fingers crossed. :-)
Thank you for all of your replies. They have made me feel so much better. When feeling overwhelmed, it helps to know that I'm not alone, and that this too, shall pass.
And it's great to have validation from like-minded parents that I'm not doing anything wrong. When I have brought it up to my parents, I just get a lecture about how I'm "spoiling" her, how she's "manipulating" me, and how all the attention I'm giving her is causing "bad habits". And that mindset just doesn't jive with my parental instincts.
I think we sometimes do confuse parental instict with insufferable guilt. I know I did. It is ok to not hold your baby while peeing.
If you have to repeat that mantra, please do. I think the pendulum can swing too far in the other direction.
I was someone who held their baby all the time and nearly went mental. What I called "instinct" was actually just guilt.
There is nothing wrong with putting your baby down for a few minutes to get something done, even if they cry for a few minutes.
I put my LO in her high chair with toys and a snack while I prepare dinner. She watches me I talk to her about what I am doing and if i stir something I let her "help". If you have small utensils that are safe give her those to play with as well as some small Tupperware type containers to play with.
I take LO to my room while I use the rest room, I sit her outside the door so she can see me. If I absolutely have to shower when DH isn't home I take her in there with me.
I always tell her "your okay when I walk away" when I come back and she smiles I put her on my lap giver a hug and kiss and set her back down and we play for some time.
You spoil a baby the same way you spoil fruit: put it in another room and forget about it.
We went through (and still go through from time to time) separation anxiety. It's normal. It's healthy - it means object permanence is kicking in.
I always remind him that I'm coming right back and then pop out to do whatever it is that I need to do - pee or grab my phone or stir or whatever.
And some nights you have sandwiches. Or take out. Or popcorn. Until they're out of the house it'll be like that. Because kids bring happy chaos. You are lucky to have a husband who can embrace it.
I make a point of getting a shower in before Husband leaves for work. it makes the day go a lot smoother.
And when Baz was that age, if I needed to start cooking, I threw him in the beco on my back and went to town. Now he stands in his learning tower and either plays/snacks or "helps."
you're right: it will pass, and you're not alone. You're doing an amazing job. Good luck!
Have you ever heard of The Wonder Weeks? I think it might help you better understand what your baby is going through at different points in her development. This is a clip from the section about from your babies most recent "mental leap". The last sentence really helped me get through this phase.
Mental leap 5Wonder Week 26:The World of Relationships
One of the most significant relationships that your baby can now perceive is the distance between one thing and another. We take this for granted as adults, but for a baby it is an alarming discovery, a very radical change in his world. The world is suddenly a very big place in which he is but a tiny, if very vocal, speck. Something he wants can be on a high shelf or outside the range of his crib, and he has no way of getting to it. His mother can walk away, even if only into the next room, and she might as well have gone to China if he can't get to her because he's stuck.
https://www.thewonderweeks.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=64:mental-leap-5&catid=36:mental-development-during-first-two-years&Itemid=157
Oh, and I agree with PP- she will be fine. You do not need to hold your baby while peeing.
Sounds like she's experiencing separation anxiety.
DD comes into the bathroom with me. She goes everywhere with me.
I understand how you are feeling because even now at 15 months DD is the same way.
Can you wear her so you can cook?
Thank you for this quote! I'm going to use it the next time my SIL makes a snide comment about CIO to my 8wk-old.
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