Does DH and BM both need to be at SD's dance practices?
Background: DH and my SD's BM have her 50/50 everything. They split the week in half switching every other weekend/nights so that they have SD the same amount of days/nights each week. I watch SD for the majority of their work week.
SD started dance classes in August. It's a 4 year old class one day a week. I have been the one dropping SD off to the class and always left once BM got there. DH couldn't go because he has softball. He told BM this when they decided to sign her up for a class, but BM insisted they do the class on that night and that she gets off work early enough to take SD. But ever since it started BM can never make it on time to drop her off. It's not a big deal, I don't mind doing it.
Anyway, lately they've been fighting and BM keeps throwing it in DH's face that he has never been there for SD at her dance class. Since this softball season ended last week DH was finally able to go and check out the class this week. He made me go with him, so I did.
Anyway, I don't understand the issue with DH not going to the classes. They have no seating for parents besides 5 chairs (standing for 1 hour with my preggo self was kinda hard) and they don't have windows or anything for parents to view inside the dance room. You can stand by the door and watch, but the teacher says they don't allow it because the children won't pay attention with all the distractions. So we all stood around the hallway for an hour peaking in the room now and again.
DH stayed the entire time and he was pretty upset by the time we left. He was frusterated because BM was sitting there the entire time texting on her phone, totally ignoring the class and everything around her.
Most of the parents left at the beginning on class anyway and came back towards the end.
Should he have to stay there the entire time? Starting this week he will bne taking her to every class. I told him he could leave when BM got there...but he said he felt guilty. SD doesn't even care, she is 4 and as long as he is there for the beginning and praises her and talks to her about her dance classes and shows interest in her activities I don't see why BM should make him feel bad about staying the entire time.
Anyway, what is the right thing for him to do?
Re: Does DH and BM both need to be at SD's dance practices?
Go and be there for all of it.Maybe he can't make every single one, but he needs to be there for every one that is possible.
SD still remembers how her dad showed up for her recitals and how he's come to school and have lunch with her. DH still laughs about his memories of her in a little tu-tu and smiling at him from the stage. He loves those memories too. And he's very much a masculine, big tough cowboy type. Recitals were not his thing, but looking back he's so happy he did all he could to attend everything as much as he could.
She is 21 now and those are the things she clings to in a very rocky relationship she has with both parents.
I totally agree about the recitals, both parents should be there. But the actual dance classes are not made for people to sit there and watch.
It's like her preschool, you drop her off and pick her up when it is over. You don't sit in the hall and wait until it's over. But you still go to her parent/teacher conferences and school plays.
I guess BM's behavior of ignoring the world besides her phone and throwing it in DH's face that he is never there just upset DH and I am trying to justify his feelings. This is why he wanted to have her dance classes on a night he could go.
I can see both sides. I usually take the boys to sports since DH travels. When he's home, I let him take them to practices most of the time. Not that he really NEEDS to be there, but we hear so much in BF about parents who don't show up for their kids. I know your DH doesn't fall into that category, and neither does mine, but, on the other hand, why not go? Not as a "have to" but because we have the privilege of being parents.
Leave BM out of the equation. Her crazypants antics should have nothing to do with whether or not he goes.
That makes sense. Thanks!
Let your DH decide what he wants to do. If he wants to stay, then what is really the harm? It is one day a week, and if he has to stand there for 1 hour, well it's not a huge sacrafice.
I personally wouldn't leave my 4 year old at the class, even if it meant that I wait in the hallway. Then again, I am a little on the over protective side.
I almost always agree with you, j+k, but I am scratching my head on this one. It is practice, parents are not encouraged to watch and it even seem like they are discouraged from watching. Why should DH be there to stand in a hallway? If we were talking a recital and her DH wanted to play softball instead I would totally say he needed to be there, but practice? Without a real window to even watch? No need.
SD's dance studio doesn't allow parents to stay at all for practices.
This is my 2 cents, take it for what it is.
When I was a kid my parents dropped me off at every practice and picked me up when it was done. So I thought it was weird when I started dating DH and both he and BM went to every.single.practice and stayed the whole time. Now we have a situation where, if they don't both go and stay, SD gets her feelings hurt.
I'm all for being involved in SDs life, believe me. But it seems to me that a lot of these activities, aside from teaching a sport or a skill, are meant to foster a sense of independence in our kids. Hard to do if you're always lurking on the sidelines or in the hallway.
I agree with pps, every game, recital, and event should be treated as something important. But I think practices are a time to let them learn and see what they can do on their own, away from mom and dad.
Oops. My mistake. "class" did not register as practice to me for some reason. I was thinking recitals. Sorry!
No. He does not have to be there all the time for practices, but maybe he can make a habit of being there on occassion and BM can stay home on a more regular basis. Maybe he can tell his wife when their daughter is on a sports team, he'll be there more and she can take a back seat if she prefers.
This to me is part BF issue and part changing times. My Dad never came to any of my softball games and I never expected him to although it would have meant a lot if he came once...my parents were married. I don't think that he needs to be there if BM is there but since it is a BF, I do think that it benefits him to go occasionally b/c it shows SD and the other parents/teachers that he is an involved parent and because with intact families the Mom can go and tell the Dad but in BFs if he does not go he does not know what is going on.
And I do not understand why he made you go, that seems to me like he is marking his territory by making sure you go.
He definitely should go to the recitals.
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When we can, DH & I both go watch DS at TKD practices. We just like to spend the time together and watch DS.
But when dinner needs to get made, DD is cranky, or something else intervenes, one of us takes him and we don't sweat it even for a second.
Sounds like BM is on a control trip. He should make the right decision of what's needed for himself and his daughter's relationship. Keep BM out of it. My SS's BM tried to hold on to so many aspects of control in my SO's life it was ridiculous. Down to trying to have joint playtime with just the three of them dictated in their decree and other ridiculous stuff.
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Being both a dance teacher and a SM my answer is NO. He does not need to be there. Kids get very distracted when there is people watching, most studios don't even allow parents to stay inside the classroom.
In my studio, we have big windows with blinds so the parents can watch from the outside. If there is a special day, when parents are invited for a special class or performance, then he should be there.
The kid won't mind unless BM says stuff like" why does your dad never come"?
I think it is hard for the teacher to teach every day with an audience and it is not helping the kids to pay attention or develop independence...