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Military Families
mamastich
member
Single mama - beautiful baby - learning to live
husband cheated and left me, advice
mamastich
member
I wont go into deals but my LO is 7 weeks old and last week DH told me he cheated when i was 7 months pregnant, with a girl on his ship. the next morning he told me wanted a divorce, and theres no changing his mind. Im going to legal on base tomorrow but im nervous...
is there anyway he can make me stay? (we in VA and im going home to CA next month)
can he get anything if we divorce? the baby, our dogs, savings?
is there any questions i should ask legal?
im nervous what this could mean for alot of reasons. tia
Single mama - beautiful baby - learning to liveThis discussion has been closed.
Re: husband cheated and left me, advice
Oh my friend I am so sorry this happened!!!
I would be nervous that he could make you stay until a court decides custody.
Beings that he is the one that was unfaithful and wants the divorce I dont think he can say all that and then put conditions on it but I've never been through this and have no clue honestly.
Just make sure you get him for child support and alimony if it applies.
Make a list of questions as you think about it no matter how silly you may think it is and ask away. Be prepared!!!
Again, I'm sorry!!!!
TBH, I have no idea about what he can/can't get. I'm sure savings would be something that's split, especially if you aren't working.
BUT, I will put in this advice. My mom cheated on my dad soon after I was born, my dad caught her, packed up and moved us all to WI. We lived in FL at the time. Until 8th grade, I lived between WI and FL moving every year or 2. It sucked. My mom always lived in FL, my dad in WI. For the sake of LO, I would recommend living somewhere closer. Maybe not the same state, but somewhere where he can have easier access to his child. If this is all he wants, and you fight it, the custody battle may be harder. Even if he did something horrible to you, if he is a good dad, don't take that away from your LO.
I grew up going through custody battles constantly. Try to make things easy as possible for you guys as parents and your LO.
I do wish you the best of luck though and I'm so sorry!!
3rd cycles clomid + Ovidrel = BFN
4th cycles letrozole/Ovidrel + IUI = BFN
IVF #1 = BFP! Twins due 2/5/2014
You can go to legal but just a heads up that they won't actually represent you in a divorce hearing. They can tell you some advice but that's it. Also, you'll have to make sure if he goes there as well that you two aren't seeing the same attorney. They should figure that out a head of time but just make sure.
I'd print statements off from all shared accounts and if he'll be civil, open an account and transfer half for you to live off of. I've heard that typically in these cases, the spouse is given only BAH from the SM's pay check until the divorce is finalized so that the YH can't just leave you and baby high and dry. That goes for credit cards, savings, cars, whatever you have, print copies and get proof so he can't go rack up thousands in debt and/or empty your account.
I'd try and write out a custody agreement with him, if he won't do it then go to the courthouse and ask for sole custody and get it in writing. He can't make you stay(per se) but if you leave with LO and you don't have a custody agreement in place, he can be a super huge douche and want LO back.
Also, I'm guessing LO is already his dependent in deers but you may look at getting a paternity test to confirm it's his child so that you can have proof for child support.
I rarely, rarely, rarely, ever say contact your service member's chain of command but this is one time I'll say to call them. This becomes an issue if your servicemember becomes depressed, starts skipping work, etc. They will also ensure that he is doing right by you(typically) and will help ensure LO is taken care of.
Also, I'm not an expert so I could be wrong but I've been in for a while and that's the best of my knowledge. If you go over to Military Nesties on the Nest there are some other ladies that can be extremely helpful. Best of luck and I'm sorry you're going through this.
CJ 05/29/2013
You're a grown adult, so he can't force you to stay, but he is entitled to see his daughter, so that could be an issue if you intend to take her with you.
Contact VA Legal Aid Society in addition to going to the base legal office.
The other questions you asked are all very case specific and it's impossible for any of us to answer them.
I'm sorry your H is a douche.
I'm sorry you are going thru this! This has got to be a really difficult time for you. Its supposed to be the happiest time!
I agree with everyone else about talking to base legal. The only thing is like others have said they wont file any paperwork for you or go to court with you. If he has already gone to base legal they will not see you. No one in their office will be able to see you. Another thing is you can go after him under UCMJ due to him having an affair!!! No I'm not kidding either! Yes he can make you life living hell if you leave the state with the baby. Here in CA when my parents split up my mom couldnt take me across the state lines without a written note notarized by my dad until I was 18 years old! That is something you really have to look into...as I dont want you to end up going to jail for taking the baby back to CA!!!
A few thoughts working in the legal system. First, I am very sorry this is happening to you.
1) Legal will provide you some very basic resources. Divorce is a civil matter so dont' go in expecting them to rush to your aid.
2) Unless a court order is in place you can't kidnap your own child. So if you take off and go to CA. Unless a court order is in place he can't force you stay anywhere.
3) Military members are required to still assist their dependents until the divorce is final as far as BAH goes because they are collecting the with dependent rate.
4) Depending on your state some things like savings etc are split 50/50 but any client that would ever come to me I would tell them if you name is on the account withdrawl your half and open your own account. Don't wait for your spouse to do the right thing.
5) Divorce can get expensive with assets and children involved. Find a lawyer that specializes in military divorce. Making sure your child is taken care of with Tricare, you have clear outlines on visitation, etc.
6) You can try to push for a no contact order between your husband the the girl he cheated on you with, but honestly you need to take care of yourself and your child. If you are set on not getting back together I wouldn't waste your time and energy on the no contact until you have taken care of yourself.
Good luck.
I hope you have a great support system with your family. You don't deserve this at all 
If he cheated on you while on active duty he can be in some serious trouble as will she. I know he is your husband, but make sure he gets what he deserves. Who does that to his wife and new baby!?
I am so sorry for you! My heart and prayers go out to you! Be strong!
Make a pregnancy ticker
Personally, I wouldn't leave the state without a WRITTEN, NOTARIZED letter from him authorizing you to take your child out of state.
There have been stories in the past of during divorces, one parent takes the child home just to visit grandparents, etc, and the other parent calls the police saying that the child was kidnapped. Because you cross state lines it becomes a federal matter and then can look bad during a custody hearing.
The only thing that makes this different than a civilian divorce is the military aspect of it - he violated UCMJ so is automatically at fault and the military will punish him more severely for that. Also, if you get awarded child support in the divorce (which you should), it can be automatically deducted from his pay and deposited to you, so you never have to worry about him forgetting to pay. If you choose not to do that, and he weren't to pay, you can actually contact the military and they will get you your money deserved.
Also, your child will always be eligible for TRICARE and other dependents benefits just like a married couple. I'm not sure if it goes away should you remarry, but there is nothing he can do to take away those rights from your child. You will lose your benefits, but at least you won't have to worry about your child.
So sorry you're going through this...
That's awful, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Just a few pieces of advice--
- Go and find a civilian lawyer. Base legal can't help you very much, if at all.
- You file for divorce where you currently live, NOT where you were married. Most states have residency requirements for divorce filings. If you're still a resident of California, then you can file there. VA has annoying divorce laws.
- Most states have no-fault divorce laws, so it doesn't matter that he cheated or that he wants the divorce. Of course, if he wants the divorce HE might me more amenable to an agreement with you, and judges will usually just stamp agreements in amicable divorces. But a judge won't "punish" him by giving you more money or something just because he cheated (not a good judge following the law of most states, anyway).
- I would actually AVOID getting his command involved. I'd avoid them finding out about the cheating. Sure, you might be angry and want to punish him. But if he gets in trouble, the first thing they'll do is knock him down on rank. Do you really want him to have less money available for child support? Think about your baby before revenge. And by the way, YOU can't go after him under the UCMJ. His command can, and will. Once his command does that, there's nothing anyone can do about it.
I suggested contacting someone just to make sure he's ok and doesn't start disappearing. If he starts having a poor work performance or not showing up, the first person they will call is her. Most 1SGs (I'm not sure the Navy equivalent) I know have an open door police and would want to know this kind of thing(including myself). All I'm saying is a call with "hey, Dh and I are having some issues. Just wanted to give you a heads up in case he starts to act weird." That's it. Or she could go to the FRG(Obudsman, right?) or chaplain.
CJ 05/29/2013
L. O. L. Definitely not a "true statement". YOU (aka the victim) cannot "go after him under UCMJ". If you've figured out a way, I'd love to hear it. You may want to familiarize yourself with Rule 306 before you come back with an answer. Oh, look at that, I just gave you the answer.
It's also not necessarily true that the legal office won't see you if your husband has already been there. Many offices have enough attorneys on hand that you can see an attorney other than the one your husband has spoken to. Those two attorneys cannot discuss your cases with each other.
PP's have stated that you can leave VA and go to CA but that's not necessarily true. My sister in law just went through this 2 years ago. My brother's oldest child is actually his step daughter. They had been planning to move from CA to Texas and the plans had to be put on hold because the biological father, who is a douche, said no...and he didn't say no because he actually cares about his daughter but because he didn't want to see his ex happy.
It took over a year in Court to resolve and the only reason he finally agreed to let them go was because the court said it was time to "re evaluate" child support because he wasn't paying enough. My sister in law made a deal with the ex that she wouldn't ask for more $ if he let them go.
I would not plan on moving ANYWHERE unless the courts give you a green light.
This board sure does have a lot of UCMJ experts. Do you have any idea what it takes to prove adultery or how often it's prosecuted? It's extremely difficult and it has no bearing on their civil proceedings.
As others have stated I wouldn't pursue the matter because in the end all that will happen is he will be busted down in rank which means he'll get less money which in return means less child support. He has to live with what he did so she should just move on and claim child support. I would only pull out the cheating card if he tries to take custody of the child away.
You will get your LO. He will be ordered to pay you child support and your LO will remain covered under Tricare until your husband is out of the military. As far as your dogs, that will have to be decided between the two of you.it you take it to court they are just going to say whoever paid for them takes them.
As far as savings goes, most of the time courts will reward half to each of you depending on the contribution to it. If your husband has been the only contributor he may be rewarded the whole thing.
I know for the Army the service member is required to pay the spouse half BAH until they are legally divorced.
Definitely as legal all these questions for more definite answers and also ask what else you are entitled to.
I'm really sorry something so awful happened to you and your LO. Keep your head up and stay as strong as you can.
I'm sorry to hear that! It's aweful at any point, especiall with a new baby.
I'm not sure what branch he is in, my hubby is in the marines. They do not have any tolerance for cheating spouses! When a marine cheats, they can get in trouble with command and get NJP. Talk to legal and possible a FRO (family readyness officer) can point you in the right direction.